Monday, April 12, 2010


I decided to make a roast today because it's one of those thunderstormy stay-inside kinda days, so I went to the store early. Thanks to a sick child, I didn't sleep at all last night,  and have no energy today. 

When it was time to be store-bound, my hair was still wet from my shower and I had no make up on, so I did what I usually do when I look like crap, I unbuttoned the top few buttons of my shirt until enough cleavage was showing to make up for the wreck that was my head. 

As I walked in to grab a cart, Avery climbed into one of those ridiculous shopping carts with a big, dumb, bacteria ridden car on it. I really wanted to avoid the impending tantrum that would ensue if I transferred her to a regular cart She was so excited I couldn't bear to yank her out of the disgusting CARt and plop her into an even more disgusting regular cart, so she stayed.

I'm pretty sure I looked like an idiot pushing that dumb thing around, but at that point I'm also pretty sure my cleavage was still working to my advantage, distracting on-lookers from noticing that I had a child, let alone a child in a lice-infested germ-mobile. 

And not only did the CARt sound like its wheels had been swapped out for 4 dying cats, but that thing is effing hard to maneuver. I turned the corner after getting the produce I needed, and very ungracefully slammed into the displayed wine, which mercilessly rattled and clanked and instantly transformed me from lady with the big tits to the hot mess with a baby in a filthy CARt. 

It was at that moment when I looked up and made split-second eye contact with a guy, about my age, looking at condoms. I'm pretty sure the incident solidified his purchase, and we both knew it did. If he had any apprehension about purchasing birth control before, he certainly didn't now. 

And I totally don't blame him.