Monday, April 12, 2010

CARt

I decided to make a roast today because it's one of those thunderstormy stay-inside kinda days, so I went to the store early. Thanks to a sick child, I didn't sleep at all last night,  and have no energy today. 

When it was time to be store-bound, my hair was still wet from my shower and I had no make up on, so I did what I usually do when I look like crap, I unbuttoned the top few buttons of my shirt until enough cleavage was showing to make up for the wreck that was my head. 

As I walked in to grab a cart, Avery climbed into one of those ridiculous shopping carts with a big, dumb, bacteria ridden car on it. I really wanted to avoid the impending tantrum that would ensue if I transferred her to a regular cart She was so excited I couldn't bear to yank her out of the disgusting CARt and plop her into an even more disgusting regular cart, so she stayed.


I'm pretty sure I looked like an idiot pushing that dumb thing around, but at that point I'm also pretty sure my cleavage was still working to my advantage, distracting on-lookers from noticing that I had a child, let alone a child in a lice-infested germ-mobile. 

And not only did the CARt sound like its wheels had been swapped out for 4 dying cats, but that thing is effing hard to maneuver. I turned the corner after getting the produce I needed, and very ungracefully slammed into the displayed wine, which mercilessly rattled and clanked and instantly transformed me from lady with the big tits to the hot mess with a baby in a filthy CARt. 

It was at that moment when I looked up and made split-second eye contact with a guy, about my age, looking at condoms. I'm pretty sure the incident solidified his purchase, and we both knew it did. If he had any apprehension about purchasing birth control before, he certainly didn't now. 

And I totally don't blame him.


19 comments:

  1. Hahaha. I HATE those cart cars. Seriously hate. Usually I just pick up both of my girls... which is almost impossible and run inside before they see those stupid things. I'm terrified of germs, so me and the CARt don't mix.

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  2. I hate 'em too! Jack throws a mothereffin' fit though if we don't oblige his need to take that grime bucket for a joy ride. The person who invented them should be forced to a lifetime of only using those for a mode of transportation.

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  3. Erin: Im thinkin about smuggling some Lysol for my next trip to the grocery store, too much? I'm sure no one would protest.

    Amanda: Totally agreed. I would love to see some Playskool executive on the freeway in one of those things. I would totally cut him off.

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  4. Best post yet! Laughing with tears in my eyes :)

    P.S. Aves looks totally cute in that picture.

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  5. Liv: Thanksss isn't she just presh?

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  6. I will try working the top half when I have a crappy hair day and no makeup. Sound advice I say.

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  7. Same goes the other way, Suzanne, if I'm feeling fat I wear a lot of make-up... unless I'm pregnant and then I just give up all together.

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  8. I can attest that you look incredible WITHOUT make up-and even when your boobs were the size of raisins (like mine now!) you still looked amazing-you could walk around with a paper bag over your head the rest of your life and you'd still look beautiful. BUT sometimes it's nice to get all dolled up JUST FOR YOU- I'm sure you weren't there to impress anyone but yourself because you felt like crap. So whether you have to pop a button open, or curl your hair, it really does wonders if you've had a hard day. Last week when he was acting like Beelzebub-I TOTALLY curled my hair for no reason and felt like a million bucks. Then he smeared bananas in it later-Oh motherhood!

    btw-{I'M GLAD YOU CHANGED THE COMMENT SETTINGS!}

    Anyway-

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  9. Haha I love you Chels. You da best. Let's get together and eat. (because thats what we always do)

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  10. I refused to ever put my kids in those nasty things. It grosses me out even thinking about it.

    Thanks for the visit, comment and follow. I'm now following you back!
    Liz
    www.bellebeanchicagodog.com

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  11. I have no idea how I got here, but I'm very glad I did...funny and interesting! If you don't mind, I'm going to tag along.
    thanks!
    patricktillett.blogspot.com

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  12. Thank you for following me, Liz and Pat! Makes me feel way cooler than I really am.

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  13. LOL! I am your newest follower from ..http://motherhoodthetruth.blogspot.com/. Thanks for stopping by my blog. I can totally relate to this terrifying experience of these damn cart. My girls will go to battle if we do not get one of these contraptions. They are near impossible to maneuver and quite often I too am regarded as the
    hot mess with a baby in a filthy CARt...because I am usually so rattled when going to the grocery that I throw on a sweatshirt and forget all about using my tatas for any benefit. What ? You mean they are for something more than just feeding children?LOL Oh, the good ole days when my tits were an awesome asset and not just one more thing I had to take care of. I can say one thing, thank God you didn't have to endure the character carts with the music and movies playing inside them. Oh, those are fun and only $1. My girls have a special tantrum for those carts. But they do just as well with the regular car carts...yes, they beep those damn horns the entire trip through the grocery. I'm pretty sure my face is on a piece of paper hanging somewhere in that store as the Woman to get the hell outta the store.Happy Mothering!

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  14. Truthful Mommy: Seriously, I'm surprised someone hasn't made a superhero movie about a breast. Your response just made me think of all the cool powers it has. Not only can it hypnotize and summon men (and some women), or take the attention away from mommy hair, but it can feed and nourish and fly. Well, not fly, but boobs should win the Nobel Peace Prize. Clearly.

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  15. LOVE this post. Could have written it. Except for the cleavage bit. I'm pretty sure that, after three kids, my cleavage just isn't scoring me any points these days. Just sayin'.

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  16. oh man. Thanks for sharing this with me! We've had the CARt battle before, but it usually ends with Jackson running around like a crazy person through the store and me pushing a stupid CARt the size of a semi truck around the store with out a baby in it getting strange looks as I crash into things. Now, I just refuse to go to the store with out my husband.

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