high heels and a lacy apron

Before I had a baby, before I got married, I envisioned myself being like THE most put together mom. Like, milfin' it up with my hot ass baby all decked out in cool clothes. Avery would look like Suri Cruise with a perfect bob, and I would have bangles and earrings and nothing could upset me. I would be the envy of everyone.

I pictured waking up in the morning and bluebirds would greet me at my window and sing me a song. They may even fly inside and help me get dressed. I would cook a gourmet breakfast in sexy high heels and a lacy apron. I would feed my family a nutritious meal, and my husband would give me a kiss, tell me what a great wife I am, and walk out in his expensive suit with his really cool suitcase.

This is what my morning looked like:

1. Daughter wakes up at 5

2. I beg daughter to go back to sleep (this has never worked)

3. Husband and I fight over discuss who is going to find the remote so daughter can watch cartoons so we can sleep longer

4. Husband gives up and starts getting ready for work

5. While I'm trying to get in an extra 5 minutes of sleep, husband asks me where everything is as if I have some sort of map drawn up of every possession we own and where it is in the house

6. I grab daughter and stumble downstairs in my unsexy over-sized t-shirt I bought on clearance

7. I make breakfast, and husband makes comment that I'm not making the eggs right

8. I get mad because I'm PMSing and extra sensitive

9. Husband gets mad and leaves

10. Dogs eat husband's breakfast

Oh, and Avery looks like this:

Yes, we are SO fancy.