The last time I was pregnant, I couldn't WAIT to "show". Couldn't wait to "look pregnant".
Little did I know that "looking pregnant" on my particular body would also include thighs that rubbed together when I walked, bingo arms, hands so swollen my wedding ring came off around month 5, feet so swollen I couldn't wear FLIP FLOPS, and a belly so big I was thisclose to not fitting behind the steering wheel of my gigantic SUV. Strangers started commenting, "you're about to pop!" around month 6, so you can imagine the horror on
my husband's bystanders' faces when month 9 rolled (pun intended) around.
With that said, I am keeping my weight gain down (knock on wood), and am still wearing my normal sized jeans, but they are pretty snug. I'm pretty sure while I'm typing this, my eyes are bulging slightly out of my head, but, I'm going to try to hold out on maternity clothes as long as possible, nonetheless.
And, like I have mentioned in other posts, my goal this time is to REALLY try my hardest to enjoy this pregnancy. Like be aware of my attitude and conscious that me acting miserable makes other people miserable which is what makes me feel the most miserable. And especially because I'm pretty sure this will be my last pregnancy, I am striving to be that glowing, healthy, smiling, preggy lady who genuinely makes pregnancy look as beautiful as it really is. I am trying to remind myself that I am a mother and it is my job and my honor to willfully sacrifice my selfish tendencies for the well being of my children. And I probably could have achieved that during my last pregnancy if I wiped the ugly scowl off my face for a second.
Sadly, there is a conniving group of bitches trying their hardest to keep me from achieving my awesome goal. Who would ever do such a thing? My goddamn hormones. They're all unbalanced and angry and determined to make throw me off course. Jerks.
This morning Avery knocked over a $40 candle that I bought at Anthropologie last week. It shattered and fell apart almost as badly as I did. I cried for a solid hour. Like sobbed. Like, fists in the air screaming "Why?!!" followed by fetal position on the couch, talking to myself, while crying like a crazy person. My mom came over who said, "It's just a candle." To which I responded, "NO. It's representative of the one thing I enjoyed buying this month that wasn't diapers or groceries that is now destroyed. My life is over. I've missed my youth." To which my mother responded, "It's actually just a candle." To which I thought, "She's right.", but said outloud, "NO! You don't understand! Waaah waah waah"
I had a similar episode last night, which my poor mother also had to witness. The saddest part? While I was going on and on about god-knows-what nonsense while crying like a baby, my dear darling Avery toddled over to my mother, took a paper towel out of my mom's hand which she had been holding, walked over to me and offered it to me while saying, "oh no, mama.", accompanied with the saddest puppy dog eyes I've ever seen.
So, while my mom, and even while I, recognized the selfish, histrionic, unnecessary drama of my tantrum, but kinda let it go on anyway, my sweet, innocent daughter doesn't know that I am reacting to a perfect storm of a serious hormonal overload, and she just wanted to offer me a tissue because she wanted her mommy to feel better. She was scared and confused. It was awful. I am hoping to come through this period easily and happily and with no
additional regrets and no permanent scarring on my sweet angel baby.
As for now I am having distinct good days and bad days. Like super manic ups and depressing sad dark down days. So basically, I'm biploar right now. Thanks pregnancy hormones!
Get it together, woman!!
Let's end with some baby pool olympics, shall we?
Troy likes to throw Avery up in the air as high as possible just to scare me. In the pool, I can watch, over concrete, not so much. Aren't they cute though?
Happy Wednesday people.