My first bribe

I successfully (kinda) bribed my daughter for the first time last night. I'm not really into the idea of bribing kids, but I thought I'd try it out. 

Tantrum Teething Toddler (T3) wouldn't sit down in the tub for bath time because she was such a JERKKKK defiant handful last night. She just clutched the side of the tub and screamed at me. Here's what went down.

Avery: "UP UP UP UP UP!! MAMA!!!! HOT HOT HOT!!"

(Side Note: The water wasn't really hot, she was being dramatic. Promise.)

Sofia: (lightbulb goes off) "Avery. If you sit down and let me give you bath, I will give you ice cream."

Avery: (stops crying) "ah-pween? num num num good?" 

Sofia: "Yes. I will give you ice cream. All you have to do is sit down."

Avery then pauses. 

Looks at me and clearly contemplates what her next move is going to be.

Then, she bends her knees and dips her bare tush into the very surface of the bath water and shot straight up again and said, 

"AH-PWEEN AH-PWEEN NUM NUM NUM!"

I mean, she DID do what I asked. I guess you have to be very specific with 18 month olds. No one ever tells you these things...

So, needless to say, she got a substandard (<-- theme of the week) bath and a lot of ice cream.

Have a great threeeeeee day weekend! 

substandardness and a night off

First of all.

I just got a comment stating that my blog isn't up to the standard it used to be and this person is concerned that I am going to lose followers. Or something. "Not to be rude". 

Hey, lady that doesn't know me, yeah, you know what? There's quite a bit going on my life right now including but not limited to: things I don't want to publicly share, a sick mommy (me), and a sick baby (kinda time consuming). I'm soooo sorry (sarcasm) I haven't been composing the works of literary art that satisfy the level of greatness you expect from my blog. 

I mean, your blog is just so beautifully written -- oh wait. You don't have one. Or an e-mail address for me to reply to you, hence the public response. 

Oh, and prefacing a statement with "not to be rude" doesn't negate it's rudeness. And pretending to have some sort of deep concern for the number of followers I have doesn't lessen the aforementioned rudeness either.

Now that THAT'S out of the way. grrrrrrrrrrrr

I got an ENTIRE night off yesterday! MUCH needed. I've had a rough couple of weeks. 

My hard-working hubba hubba husband took Avery to see Shrek and I went to Cougartown a birthday party my mother-in-law was hosting for her sister-in-law. It's funny, even when I'm without Avery, which is rare, I'll randomly experience pangs of complete panic where I'll subconsciously think, "SHIT! WHERE'S AVERY?! Is she drowning/playing with glass/choking?!" Relaxation is a weird feeling when you have a toddler, like it's so uncommon and foreign it's actually not even relaxing anymore. 

Troy has taken Avery out by himself a handful of times. Maybe 4 or 5 times. I have no idea how it went. An 18 month old in a movie theater! Eek! When I got home he acted kinda like he had just witnessed a murder or something equally traumatic. He was in the fetal position in bed when I walked in our room with his back turned to me and barely said a word. I'm thinking maybe he had to change a diaper containing the remnants of Ave's lingering stomach flu. He hasn't changed a "number two" diaper in well over a year, let alone a "number three" diaper. 

Anyway, spirits were high when the night started, he sent me a text that read "Daddy time!", followed by this picture:

... to which I responded:

"Mommy time!"

Slurpee + Backstreet Boys+ No sick baby = Hellooooo, Perfection.

And I got to watch the American Idol finale (which.was.amazing) uninterrupted by bath time or bedtime. For the record, I almost lost it when "Pants on the Ground" guy came out.  Here's a text between a friend and me during the epic performance. My text is in the green bubbles.

 Truth.

Well, my toddler needs tending to because she's sick, so I apologize if this post is substandard. 

You can't see my face, but be assured I'm rolling my eyes.

Happy Thursday! 

Wednesday Wish List

This designer was really hard for me.

It made me want to go shopping SO BAD. It also made me want to rob a bank so I could afford these awesome pieces.

Diane von Furstenberg, I love you. 

1.

DvF 

$595

If I had the uber long legs for this, I'd sell my daughter on the black market to get it. Lucky for Avery, I don't. Kidding. kinda

PS. Hey model, would you mind looking a little happier to be wearing this? And change your shoes. Yuck. Those shoes would look awesome with jeans, however.

2.

DvF

$325

What is with the butterface models, Diane? Anyway, love this with the huge gold bangles she's wearing and peep toe pumps. Such a great summer look! OMGGGG

3.

DvF 

$345

I just died and went to credit card debt. DO YOU SEE THOSE SHOES!? droooooooool.


4.

DvF

Cardigan: $425

Dress underneath: $425

 So basically, you're talkin $850 for this ridiculously awesome outfit, minus the belt and shoes. Yikes! I just want to look at it. Because that's all I can do. Sadddd.

5.

DvF

$325

Hot. This is so freaking fashionable I can't stand it. WANT.

6.

DvF

SALE! 273.75

Couldn't you just picture me yourself walking down the streets of NYC with this on? Love it with the bold pattern mini dress underneath. So hot. Meow.

Dessert:

Marc Jacobs

$1295

I would sell my soul. for. this. bag.

Ok. That is all. Happy Wednesday. 

Mom vs. Robot

ULTIMATE FRUSTRATION.

Me on the phone with the automated phone robot "lady" at Nevada Power yesterday:

Robot: "Please say your house number."

Me: "One.. Six..."

Avery: "AAAAAAH!!!!!"

Robot: "I'm sorry. I didn't get th--"

Avery: "AAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!"

Robot: "I'm sorr-"

Avery: "AAAAAAH!!!!!"

Robot: "I heard, 'Six 'X'', if this is correct press one"

Me: "NO! !!! I HATE YOU ROBOT!!!! 'X' isn't even a number! Why would I say 'X'?!!!"

Robot: "I heard, 'seven', if this is correct pres--"

Avery: "AAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!"

Me: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!"

Robot: "I'm sorry, I didn't get that."

There is nothing worse than those automated phone systems. Nothing.  Wouldn't they assume that most of the people who call in during the day are prrooobbably moms with kids screaming in the background? 

I mean, COME ON.

Not even an option to use my keypad?  

Give

Me

A

Break.

PS. My daughter is ridiculously adorable. Even sick with snot slugs creeping out of her nose all day. She just walked up to me and said, "hand?" just because she wanted to hold my hand while I was on the computer. Sure, it's taken me 45 minutes to type this with one hand, but could you pass up cuteness like that? I think not. 

PS. Want me to beat you in Words with Friends? My username is 'Sofia Beer'....

Happy Tuesday.........!

Abort o Subs

Avery and I love sandwiches.

When I was pregnant, the manager of the Port o Subs down the street from me knew my order by heart because I frequented the place so often. Since then, I have lost the 60 45 25 pounds I gained and no joke, the guy absolutely does not recognize me. Not surprised, Costco almost wouldn't sell me beer a few months ago because they didn't believe I was the same person as the 9- month- preggo monster on my identification. 

I digress. So, usually Avery is pretty damn a little restless in stores and restaurants, but we power through it and get it done thanks to juice or a pickle or something similar. Yesterday, in our lunch adventure, I happened to be waiting in line behind five 16-year-olds. Slow-speaking, gum-popping, Starbucks slurping, giggling teenagers taking their sweet time while my toddler had a complete starvation-induced melt down.

I promise this conversation really happened. Keep in mind, this is all being discussed while it was their turn to order their sandwiches, completely prolonging my high need to get the hell out of there:

Teenager #1 to Teenage #2: "Do you think Charlie is hot?"

Teenager #2: "Yeah. Super hot. But not, like, dating material."

Teenager #1: (pause) "Oh, because we're dating now!!"

Teenager #1 - #5: While jumping up and down, "Squeeeeeeeeal" "Ohmigod Ohmigod Ohmigod!" 

Sandwich maker artist to Teenager #1: "Ummm. Do you want tomatoes? Hello?"

Teenager #2 to Teenager #1: "OHMIGOD, why didn't you tell me?!"

Teenager #1: "I forgot!"

Me: under my breath, "Sure you did."

Teenager #4: "You're going to be the cutest couple in the school!"

Teenager #3: "Totally."

Teenager #5: "Let's go tanning!!"

Avery: (while clutching as many bags of potato chips as she can hold) "CHIP!!! MINE MINE MINE NO NO NO MIIIIINE!!"

Me: "I'm going to kill myself."

So. During this time, Avery had escaped my grasp and climbed on all the tables and chairs and knocked all the displayed potato chips down. I was cursing the sandwich gods, trying to find the quickest way to Abort o Subs but I was friggen starving so I got on my knees, grabbed Avery by the little shoulders, looked in her eyes and scolded her, which made me look like a total asshole because she's only 1 1/2.

What's worse was the idea that a bunch of high school kids thought I was a total moron. I could picture Teenager #1 whispering to Teenager #2, "get it together, lady,"  which I probably wrongly thought of many overwhelmed moms when I was their age, when I had no responsibilities and no concept of the frustration that comes with things not going my way. Sad. I felt old and lame and I ended up eating too much when I got to my destination. Oh, and to top it off, I shoved a bag of chips in my purse in the heat of the moment. So not only am I a super uncool adult, I am also a thief. Way to go.

Kinda on a similar subject, I love Justin Beiber. Hey. If Ashton and Demi can do it, Beiber's still fair game in my book. He's adorable. 

overflowing leggy cuteness

I'm sad.

I was just looking through little baby pictures of Avery. 

I miss her rolls and her toothless slobbery kisses and her sweet baby breath and her tiny clothes. My once super chubby edible darling little bald immobile monkey is now a tall, thin, energetic, fancy little girl with curly blonde hair. Which is great, but it's sad. Because those days are, like, gone... forever. 

I looooooooooved little Ave. I loved holding her little fat body and gripping her overflowing leggy cuteness (she had THE FATTEST LEGS- I often imagined CPS showing up to my house and being like, "ma'am, there's no reason why a baby should have legs that fat. Hand her over.") I mean sure, I had an affair with a marshmellow, but I'm pretty sure Avery is Troy's? What do you think?

  

Gah! I miss that. I feel like, while I totally enjoyed her babiness, that I also missed out on a cuddle here and there worrying about doing everything perfectly. It's like I didn't realize that the 'baby phase' REALLY ended as quickly as it did, even though experienced moms told me a billion times.  I will do things differently when the next lil nugget comes around. Which means more toe munching, less worrying about how much baby weight I've lost. 

 I mean, come on. Ps. Those are my father-in-law's hands, not mine. That would be weird.

I want to squeeeeze it! 

Anyway, my goal in my life right now is to really get the most out of each phase of my sweet daughter because it will disappear and then no longer exist quickly. 

Like, now, Ave has taken to putting on costume jewelry (ignore the wild hair thanks) and walking around the house like it's normal to wear 75 huge necklaces at once:

And I know someday I'm going to miss that too. Like a lot.

Happy Fridayyyyyyyyyyyy.

Wednesday Wishlist

I feel like Juicy Couture has a bad reputation. Especially in Vegas.

I mean, sure, it can be flashy, but holy moly there are some cute clothes.

And since I'm on the verge of death, this list is shorter than I'd like, but I am a giving person, so here. Enjoy.

Sooooo here's my Wednesday Wishlist, Juicy edition.

  Juicy Couture $228

La la looove the 70s short loose tunic-y thing coming back in style. It is redic. 

Want.

Juicy Couture

$248

a;klfh;ahs;lkaj;lsdkja;ksdja;djs mine

Juicy Couture

$198

I know this is like the last one, but I just wanna stress the awesomeness. I mean, imagine this all accessorized up with tons of bangles and one of those retro headbands that lay across the forehead (you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, you do.)

Juicy Couture

$698

Hellooooo overdraft fee. (worth it)

Juicy Couture 

$225

I. want. these. so. bad. I. can. taste. it. 

Juicy Couture

$42

It's always a good idea to ward off the evil eye... How hot and cool and "in" is this? 

PS. I'm sorry for my lazy posts lately. I don't feel good :( 

You can feel bad for me, it's okay. I like it. In fact, will you bring me a Diet Coke? Thanks. 

lessons from a toddler

I haven't been feeling so hot this week that's why I've been gone.

Anyway, here are a few things Avery has taught me the last few days.

Lesson #1

"If I can't see you, you can't see me."

Lesson #2

"Contrary to popular belief, I don't want to be in your bed all the time."

Lesson #3

"I have the cutest shoulders in the world."

Lesson #4

"When Mommy doesn't feel good, I can do whatever I want."

Lesson #5

"You don't have to actually get in the pool to get wet."

Lesson #6

"Turtle bands sound much better playing from the top of the stairs."

I hope you can apply these nuggets of wisdom to your own lives. 

Happy Wednesday!

You're never going to guess...

Ok.

So after a lot of thought, I'm just going to give in and tell you all about "it"...

First I'll let you guess what "it" is.

1. "It" has caused me to be super nauseous. Especially in the morning.

2. "It" has made me vomit.

3. "It" has made me unbelievably tired.

4. "It" has made it really challenging to take care of my toddler. I commend you moms who deal with this and take care of your kids, I had no idea how hard "it" is.

5. "It" was unexpected. Neither my husband and I thought this would happen so soon after the last one.

6. "It" made me lose my appetite completely. 

Ok... READY??

I got the effing stomach flu! 
You guessed it!

You're so smart.

Actually it only lasted 24 hours, and I woke up feeling amazing.com, so all is well.

But I seriously thought I was going to die, I used to secretly like getting sick when I was a kid (you did too, don't lie), it was an awesome excuse to lay around all day and be whiney and be waited on. Seriously sucks when you're a mom. SERIOUSLY. 

Anyway have a nice weekend! ;-) 

i'm soooo stylish.

Soooo.

I brought the monster to the doctor on Tuesday because I was convinced she was sick.

I dressed her in the cutest outfit ever, which included a couple patterns that didn't match, but did. Very fashion forward. She looked awesome. I pictured the staff and all the moms welcoming me into the waiting area with a standing ovation complete with happy tears in response to Avery's unbelievably chic outfit.

So, after that didn't happen, I walked back when they called my name, Avery had a tantrum because she remembered that this is the place where she got shots last week, and we finally made it to the room and waited for the doctor.

Doctor comes in. Takes one look at Ave and without hesitation says,

"Isn't it rough when they start dressing themselves?"

I mean, she thought the outfit was so horrible that there's no way the coherent adult could have ever come up with such an atrocity. Wow. To which I responded,

"I know! I can't believe she picked out those leggings with that skirt!" followed by eyes-wide open stare at the floor contemplating escape and switching pediatricians.

To which she responded,

"Anyway, it's just teething. She's not sick. Have a nice day."

To which I responded,

"Yeah, next time I see you I'll dress her myself!"

I'm pretty sure me over-doing it with that remark convinced her that I was the one who dressed her. 

Awesome.

By the way, Avery's not even old enough to dress herself. Wtf. Shouldn't doctor-lady know the development of an 18-month old? For example, she wanted to go outside, so she put on her own shoes to speed on the process. This was yesterday:

Note: Shoes on the wrong feet.

Anyway, I'm glad I posted my Wednesday wishlist yesterday and got positive feedback because I was seriously doubting myself...

Happy Birthday to my wonderful perfect Mommy today!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday Wishlist

I had a lot of fun doing this last week. So I'll do it again.

Makes me feel like I went shopping.

Except instead of feeling depressed because I spent too much money/feel fat, I only feel depressed because I can't have what I want. Which is easier to deal with.

And it doesn't make my husband mad sooooooo.

Urban Outfitters edition

aka Anthropologie's hot little sister. ... And you're in luck boys, she's cheap.

$14

Kinda did this one for my friend Chelsea, she loves little owls.  
How cute is this!

$58!

I mean, come on. That's insanely cheap for such a cute dress. 

I got one that looks identical at Juicy Couture last year for $175 on sale, like $80.

Pair it with yellow pumps and voila, you're perfect.

$78

Not the really weird onesie, the bag.

Do you have any idea how much shit I could fit in this tote?! 

I don't know about you, but this looks like a Marc Jacobs to me. 

 I actually REALLY want this for my birthday TROYYYY.

$58

Ok. Seriously. If I could design the perfect dress for me, I would draw something extremely similar if not exactly like this. 

How hot is this with like 400 gold bangles?! 

drroooool.

$68

I am INTENT on bringing back overall shorts this summer. Watch me.

Looks so cute with un-done hair like that, which I happen to be sporting right now. And mostly always.

$14

Yup. Loooove this headband. 

Urban online had a TON of incredible accessories. 

And her hair is awesome. Oh wait it's exactly like mine.  

$38

Ok. Hear me out. 

Yes, this is lingerie, and what a effing brilliant idea to make romper nighties.

I have a couple nighties and a really hate sleeping in them because everything is all loosey goosey down there and its not comfortable. 

I think this is awesome. And hot. 

$28

If I ever took my Tom's off, I would put on a flat like this.

Doubt it would be as comfortable though.  




Happy hump day.

*SNORT**

Every experienced mom has advised me to "enjoy your babies because they grow up SO fast." 

With each day, I watch my once immobile chubby monkey inch closer and closer to a becoming little independent kid.  With it, I experience a combination of pride, joy, adoration, love, but sadness too. A baby only has her first steps and first words once, then it's over. It makes me want to stop time and clutch my little toddler so she can't grow anymore, and then she craps her diaper and I can't wait until she's potty trained... 

So, I can't believe how freaking fast my daughter is growing up. I spied on her as she played with her little cow and pig yesterday morning in our bathroom. For the first time I saw her REALLY get these lil guys to interact with each other, picking them up and making them kiss each other... "MUAH moo-moo! MUAH (insert *snort* sound here, that's what she calls pigs)!" among other things. 

Here's the sequence of what happened:

1. (LISTTTTTTT!) 

She just finished tickling ("ticki-ticki-ticki-ticki") Moo-Moo, and now she is preparing to put them to bed.

2. 

"ni-nigh moo-moo" "ni-nigh *SNORT*"

3.

Snort goes for a swim.

(I love how you can see both sets of our feet just standing over the piggie staring at him and he drowns in toilet water)

4.

Tantrum when I take piggie out of his pool.

Yesterday was rough. 

Avery had tantrum after tantrum after tantrum because she's sick. I couldn't leave the house all day, and finally I decided I needed to go to the store. Once I wrestled her into her car seat, she had the biggest most ridiculous tantrum, which left me at the steering wheel in our garage bawling while she screamed bloody murder and our neighbors reached for their phones to call the authorities.

So, I forced placed Avery in her stroller and exploded inside real quick to slam my purse down and yelled something up to Troy (who was working) along the lines of, "I'm going to fucking kill myself," and set out to circle the neighborhood while Avery sweetly said "hi" to all the bugs and flowers and I called my mom crying telling her what a horrible mother I am.

THEN.

Troy

called

me

and

said,

"Why don't you come home and go get a manicure and pedicure, I'll watch Avery."

WHAT?! SERIOUSLY? Is it my birthday? I mean sure, it was my Mothers Day gift, but his timing was impeccable. 

I skipped home and hugged Troy and off I went.

Please a) notice the pretty ring, b) ignore the crooked pinky

Then, I returned home to a childless husband. His mom had come and picked up Avery while I was gone and we went to go to dinner and see Iron Man II. Dinner was lovely, movie was painful. I get super irritated with 99% of blockbusters like that. I love my mother-in-law, however.

Anyway, have a lovely Tuesday.

iPhone Friday

Might make this a Friday ritual.

Probably won't because I don't do the same thing the same way twice. Like ever.

Here are some photos I snapped on my soul mate iPhone this week. 

Enjoy

Hell, let's make a list out of it!

One.

The 18 month check-up.

 My little giant (true to her paternal side) is still in the 99th percentile for height. 

I'm so jealousssssssssss

Two.

At the park across the street from our house (lucky, I know)... 

That's Handsome Strong Buff Husband Man up top there with Avery (can't see her) crawling around up there teetering on abruptly ending edges while dad "watches" her. 

I didn't even have my eyes open when I snapped this picture. 

Three.

The sweater.

Please disregard the mom-wont-let-me-dump-my-juice-out-on-the-carpet induced tantrum.

Dude. My mom made that sweater. This is one of a bajillion beautiful sweaters and hats and booties she has labored over for her only grandchild. Mind you, she made a solid percent of my twin sister's and my clothes (that were gorgeous) when we were little. And she's perfect in temperament to boot.  Oh, and every single person who has ever met her is obsessed with her. Because she's an angel with never ending patience and grace and loveliness. 

How the fuck am I supposed to compete with that.

Four.

The Cinco de Mayo "party".

This is me watching Troy watch his fiesta-in-blender spin around. Just Ave, him, and I. I picture him thinking, "How did I get here?" as he envisions his friends doing shots of tequila of some hot chick's boobs at an ginormous party while shouting, "I LOVE MY LIFE!!" to each other over loud awesome music while hundred dollar bills fall from the sky. 

Actually he's really not a partier like at all. Side note: Doesn't he look like a nerdless version of Clark Kent? Sexxxy.

Five.

The "fat" jeans.

This is what happens when you pay your hair stylist in chicken wings.

 One of my BFFs, Jackie, is my hair stylist and I thought, instead of paying her in cash when she next cuts my hair, it would be much wiser to trade her services with like 450 chicken wings, and I'll eat them too, followed by a bucket-full of frozen yogurt. On the drive home, I had to actually completely unbutton my jeans to breathe. Notice the creases due to excessive pressure digging into my gut. Gross.

Six.

The halved nap.

Ok, obviously NOT a flattering picture, but I needed to get her half asleep on this one.

I'm cutting her nap in half in an effort to get her to sleep better at night.

 When I went in to wake her up:

Me: (softly) "Sweetie, you need to wake up."

Avery: (eyes closed) "no, no." (in whisper, eyes still closed) "nigh-night"

She told ME! I laughed so hard I almost fell over. She's so funny!

Seven.

The shoes.

Just another adorable example of Avery wearing Daddy's shoes and thinking its hilarious.

 She's dancing.

PS. Notice the striking resemblance to the Anthro skirt on my Wednesday Wishlist. Big differences include, I bought this one for $2.50 on clearance at Target and this one is a size 3T. The only time I ever fit in a 3T was when I was 3 and when I was 21 for a short amount of time. 

Have a beautiful weekend. I will be at the beach! 

Holler!!

Wednesday Wishlist

Uggghhh.

I'm giving in to the blog universe by posting this... next think you know I'll be doing a give-a-way and naming my new blog, "the rantings, ravings, and ramblings of a disgruntled mom" or something to that effect. If I start scrapbooking, someone help.

Seriously though, I want these things. 

Anthropologie edition.

Anthropologie $288. I love you.

 I'd love some brown woven gladiator sandles on my feet with this lil gem.

Anthropologie $58. 

Pair it with a solid v-neck thin tee shirt and skinny jeans? Get out. 

Anthro $68. 

Skirt? Jeans? Shorts? Yup, fantastic.

Anthrizzle $198

Hi. I know you would love a sweet little peach cardigan to go over you, lovely summer dress, and I don't blame you.

Anth $158

Dark wash tight jeans with a burnt orange blouse? I know... I know.

Anthropologieeeee $288

 I have the perfect peach tank top I would pair with you, sweetest skirt. Of course I would tuck it in. Duh.

TTROOOYYYYYYY!!!!! Just so you know, Mother's Day, our anniversary, and my birthday are all within 6 weeks. 

....Oh, and Im going to throw in these Louboutins for good measure. Troy. Pay attention!

They're only like a bajillion dollars.