I'm olldddddd

I'm 25 now!!

Let me rephrase.

I'm 25 now.

I feel old. It's so bizarre how I'm definitely an adult now, like, there's no argument I could make against it.  Regardless of whether or not I eat Lucky Charms or like to watch Disney movies or can't sleep the night before Christmas because I'm so excited, I am almost 30 which means I am almost 40 which means I am almost 75. 

Speaking of trying to reverse the aging process, I started reading Twilight. I am half-way finished with the first book... annnd here's my half-book review:  The writing is mediocre at best, but for some goddamn reason I cannot put the goddamn book down. Maybe it's because I like to pretend a super-hot super-strong super-dangerous man is obsessed with me while Troy is passed out asleep beside me completely unaware of my shameless fantasizing. Little do I know, he is most likely dreaming about a super-hot super-unpregnant super-amazing woman who never complains and likes our dogs. 

Oh, and my 19-month old is suddenly a teenager as well. She calls Troy by name now. As we were leaving the house on Sunday, Troy was lagging behind and Avery looked over her shoulder and calls, "C'mon Troy!" Wtf? Additionally, I was hugging her yesterday and she pushed me off and says, "Go away, Mama." Just like that. I just stood there and could say nothing more than "ohhh kay?" Aaaand she started to call me, "Mom". And she got her driver's license and an "A" in Chemistry. WTF.

 My birthday was very nice, thankyouverymuch, and Troy got me my new iPhone which is what I wanted. So go, husband, go. Such an Edward-like thing of him to do, to surprise me like that. 

We will be gone a lot of July. Because we're fancy. Sorry.

Have a great month people! 

Oh no, poo poo!

Where have I been?

Not inspired to write any blogs, that's where.

Just feel like I have nothing to say and writing just because I feel like I have to is as uncomfortable for you to read as it is for me to write. So here we are. Hi? Hello. 

If this were a phone conversation, this is the part where I say, "So what's new with you?" 

And then you say, "Not much." 

And then I start to panic and pretend my Yiayia is calling and I get off the phone.

Let's view some pictures, shall we?

1.

Troy and Avery on Father's Day at lunch where I borderline made love to the most amazing BBQ chicken salad on the planet. No ranch, extra balsamic vinaigrette,  extra extra gawking from onlookers as I grunted (like a pig) in pregnant, food-obsessed, ecstasy while inhaling my lunch.

 Both munchkins are going in for some serious Daddy's Day kisses in this picture. He is such SUCH a good Dad. Like better than I EVER would have imagined and I always knew he'd be a great father. I feel lucky to be able to watch their constant lovefest. They're cute.

2.

Also on Father's Day, in the movie theater before the previews for Toy Story 3 began. 

She did AMAZING for a 19-month old who skipped her nap. She sat on my father-in-law's lap for the movie and all was well until there was a lull in the movie noise and Avery farted and then loudly exclaimed, "oh no, poo poo!" She's charming.

3.

My darling daughter sitting up on one of our barstools. 

I felt this picture was symbolic of how difficult it is to get a good picture of my toddler. The window of Avery looking presentable perfect is so small. If she hasn't pulled her pigtails out, there's pudding on her shirt. If she still happens to have an entire outfit on, she certainly will not be smiling. In this particular picture, she has pulled her pigtails out, there is pudding on her shirt, pants are gone, and, well, look at her face. 

Voila. This is what Avery looks like 90% of the time. Adorable?

4.

Avery's sexytime bath photo shoot.

I thought it was cute when Avery was pouring water on herself and then realized when I looked at the pictures it was thisclose to being inappropriate. 

After that was over, she managed to withdraw the cuteness from bathtime once again when she looked at me, furrowed her eyebrows, and promptly pooped in the bathtub. I screamed for Troy and he came to the rescue, thankfully. It is all a blur in my mind except for Troy yelling, "It's a floater! It's a floater!!" while both of us took turns gagging. 

Poor Avery was so scared by the whole thing, she just stood on the bathroom floor naked, shivering, with her teeth chattering wondering why Mommy and Daddy were yelling and screaming and gagging.

Oh the joys of parenthood!

Soooo. Wednesday is my 25th birthday so don't forget to get me something. 

I might be crazy.

104 followers?! I could totally start a legitimate cult! 

So. My mood swings are out. of. control.

I do NOT remember going through euphoric highs and I'm-gonna-shoot-everyone lows with my first pregnancy.  I feel bad for everyone around me. Especially my husband because I really don't think he REALLY thinks that hormones have anything to do with my pregnancy insanity. I think he is certain he is destined to a life of wifey wacko-ness. Like, "This is it. She's nuts. I'm screwed."

 I'm trying to tone it down and only go in public while I'm experiencing my manic episodes, but sometimes it just can't be avoided. And I act weird when I'm overly happy anyway. Soooooooo, Happy Father's Day, Troy? Have fun with the complete nut job that is one third of your family. 

Felt really good today, however, and Avery totally wetting her pants to the point of annihilating her romper didn't faze me. Just strolled her right on into the bathroom and walked her out with only a diaper on. That's not true, she had a Dora sticker on her knee and one on her foot, but for the  most part, she was letting it all hang out. Onlookers pointed and laughed at the absurdity of a completely unclothed toddler  in a store while I really was totally unfazed by it. Truly. I even walked "out" the "in" door which normally would force me to utter at least one curse word under my breath, but I  just kept smiling and slowly walked with my naked baby to my car as soccer moms in SUVs screeched in the parking as to not miss a sight of young stupid mother with her lil redneck baby. Because it makes them feel better about themselves. 

If this had happened on the other side of my mood swing spectrum, the Target where this scene went down would either have been burned to the ground by now (caused by me) or someone, somewhere would be walking around with a black eye and/or broken face (also caused by me). 

Just kinda interesting how one person could react to the same thing so differently. 

I might be crazy.

Happy Flag Day?

99 followers! Who do I think I am? Jesus?

Soooo....

I'm getting plump!

Notice Avery slamming the remote control into my leg so I'll turn on something she likes watching. Silly girl. Daddy's out of town so we're watching the news. Troy doesn't like watching the news. He likes to watch shows about how canoes or watches or microwaves are made. It's pure torture after a long day of Dora. I mean it.

So, some of my more snug jeans sadly do not button comfortably anymore, so I bought a BellaBand. Why the shit didn't I buy one of these when I was pregnant with Avery? Oh. I know. Because last time I completely grew out of my pants before I could finish peeing on the pregnancy test stick.

 Anyway, back off maternity jeans, there's a new sheriff in town... (can't bend down, sit down, or walk up stairs without my pants falling to my ankles, but still!)

Who watched the True Blood season premiere last night?! 

HOLY MANLY MANFEST MUSCULAR MANMEAT MADNESS.

If you haven't seen this show, do yourself a favor and watch it. Especially if you're a housewife with no social life sitting in your pajamas who has ever fantasized about anything that includes the teensiest bit of raciness and sexiness and sinfulness.  You deserve the eye candy. The show is, like, dripping with naughtiness. It's awesome.

If Eric gets any hotter I'm going to lose it. I mean. Wow. Bill and Sam? H-H-H-HOT.

I just died.


I'm back.

My twin sister is coming in town! I'm so excited! We like to get together and talk about Zac Efron and play scrabble and pretend like food doesn't have calories. It's like the best time ever. Might have to rent 17 Again... again.

Have a beautiful week, beauties. Happy Monday. Is it Monday? Happy Flag Day. I know it's Flag Day.

My husband is gone.

Not like, forever. Just for 5 days to go on his gaycation with his boyfriend. 

I've been celebrating by taking naps with Avery, leaving dishes in the sink for longer than an hour, watching tons of Keith Olbermann and Rachael Maddow, and sleeping diagonally in my bed. 

This is what Avery has been doing:

1.

shoplifting candy

2.

hanging out with old lady beads, crazy homeless hair, without pants, while eating bananas in a little chair next to a big purple ball 

(it's her favorite thing to do)

3.

writing messages to Daddy on her new chalkboard

(I had nothing to do with this.)

4.

having tea parties with her friends

5.

reading groundbreaking news articles in her local newspaper 

(PS. seriously?)

6.

conducting studies to see if those articles are true

(her timing was impeccable. Grammy and Mommy got to watch Jeopardy during this particular study)

Anyway, we're off to Target right now. Have a great weekend people. 

True Blood tomorrow WHAT!

Thankful Thursday and my husband's manventure

I am thankful that my daughter is so darn adorable.

She's mid-"cheese" in this picture.

Troy's out of town until Tuesday. He is on a fishing adventure in Idaho with his best friend. He has been calling it his "mantastic voyage", I have been calling it "Brokeback Mountain 2". 

They are so incredibly gay. We were all in the car on the way to the outdoorsy store yesterday for the boys to stock up on some lures or something. Troy was driving, Brian (my husband's boyfriend) was sitting in the passenger seat, and I was in the back with Ave. Ke$ha's "Tik Tok" then comes on the radio and both dudes at the same time quickly reach for the volume to turn it UP. Ugh. Gayness.

I pictured the scenario if I wasn't in the car. I pictured both guys reaching for the volume, then their hands bump together, they look into each other's eyes, and hold hands for the rest of the drive. 

Also, when we were at the store, Brian picked up the biggest, most penis-shaped package of salami and asks Troy, "Do we need this?"

To which I responded. "THERE IS NO REASON YOU WOULD EVER NEED THAT. PUT IT DOWN NOW."

Yikes. 

Happy Thursday, beautiful people.

Thanks pregnancy hormones!

The last time I was pregnant, I couldn't WAIT to "show". Couldn't wait to "look pregnant".

Little did I know that "looking pregnant" on my particular body would also include thighs that rubbed together when I walked, bingo arms, hands so swollen my wedding ring came off around month 5, feet so swollen I couldn't wear FLIP FLOPS, and a belly so big I was thisclose to not fitting behind the steering wheel of my gigantic SUV. Strangers started commenting, "you're about to pop!" around month 6, so you can imagine the horror on my husband's bystanders' faces when month 9 rolled (pun intended) around.

With that said, I am keeping my weight gain down (knock on wood), and am still wearing my normal sized jeans, but they are pretty snug. I'm pretty sure while I'm typing this, my eyes are bulging slightly out of my head, but, I'm going to try to hold out on maternity clothes as long as possible, nonetheless. 

And, like I have mentioned in other posts, my goal this time is to REALLY try my hardest to enjoy this pregnancy. Like be aware of my attitude and conscious that me acting miserable makes other people miserable which is what makes me feel the most miserable. And especially because I'm pretty sure this will be my last pregnancy, I am striving to be that glowing, healthy, smiling, preggy lady who genuinely makes pregnancy look as beautiful as it really is. I am trying to remind myself that I am a mother and it is my job and my honor to willfully sacrifice my selfish tendencies for the well being of my children. And I probably could have achieved that during my last pregnancy if I wiped the ugly scowl off my face for a second.

Sadly, there is a conniving group of bitches trying their hardest to keep me from achieving my awesome goal. Who would ever do such a thing? My goddamn hormones.  They're all unbalanced and angry and determined to make throw me off course. Jerks.

This morning Avery knocked over a $40 candle that I bought at Anthropologie last week. It shattered and fell apart almost as badly as I did. I cried for a solid hour. Like sobbed. Like, fists in the air screaming "Why?!!" followed by fetal position on the couch, talking to myself, while crying like a crazy person. My mom came over who said, "It's just a candle." To which I responded, "NO. It's representative of the one thing I enjoyed buying this month that wasn't diapers or groceries that is now destroyed. My life is over. I've missed my youth." To which my mother responded, "It's actually just a candle." To which I thought, "She's right.", but said outloud, "NO! You don't understand! Waaah waah waah"

I had a similar episode last night, which my poor mother also had to witness. The saddest part? While I was going on and on about god-knows-what nonsense while crying like a baby, my dear darling Avery toddled over to my mother, took a paper towel out of my mom's hand which she had been holding, walked over to me and offered it to me while saying, "oh no, mama.", accompanied with the saddest puppy dog eyes I've ever seen. 

So, while my mom, and even while I, recognized the selfish, histrionic, unnecessary drama of my tantrum, but kinda let it go on anyway, my sweet, innocent daughter doesn't know that I am reacting to a perfect storm of  a serious hormonal overload, and she just wanted to offer me a tissue because she wanted her mommy to feel better. She was scared and confused. It was awful. I am hoping to come through this period easily and happily and with no additional regrets and no permanent scarring on my sweet angel baby.

As for now I am having distinct good days and bad days. Like super manic ups and depressing sad dark down days. So basically, I'm biploar right now.  Thanks pregnancy hormones!  

Get it together, woman!!

Let's end with some baby pool olympics, shall we?

Troy likes to throw Avery up in the air as high as possible just to scare me. In the pool, I can watch, over concrete, not so much. Aren't they cute though?

Happy Wednesday people.  

fruit snacks, and iPhones, and goose eggs oh my

"NACK NACK NACK NACK NACK NACK!!"

Over the past few days my 19-month-old has wanted nothing to do with real people food, just fruit snacks ("nack"). And juice ("joo"). As much as I beg her and beg her and BEG her to eat healthy normal foods she just turns up her nose and says, "NO! NACK!" 

She used to try everything. Even liked vegetables (that's a lie). And after initial protest on my part, I end up giving in because she has to eat SOMETHING. Every instinct in my body is fighting to make sure she consumes something anything with some sort of nutritional value but I keep losing this battle. Does anyone out there have any advice? Part of me is kinda not worried about it because I hope to god know this is a phase, and I know that my husband and I are such good eaters that she's going to be wolfing down sushi in no time. But GRRRRR in the mean time. 

Although I have to say, it is a good excuse to polish off the rest whatever delish kid food Ave didn't eat. It's kinda like the pregnant gods are working in my favor, giving me the opportunity to eat more food without me leaving any evidence behind.

You know what else is working in my favor? New iPhone comes out June 24, and my birthday is June 23. Holler! On the same idea, Apple is the best. I water damaged 2 iPhones in the last 6 months, brought them into Apple, showed a little side boob, and they gave me brand new phones without any hassle whatsoever. Unbelievably awesome. The idea of living without my iPhone is almost too much to bear. I was considering offering my first born if they weren't going to work with me, but good for Avery, I didn't have to barter with her life.

On another note, Avery is still the victim of weekly head trauma. I'm surprised she can still see/talk/walk with all blows to the head she's been accumulating. If we ever need to get an x-ray of her head, I could picture the doctor walking in and saying, "You're not going to believe this, but your daughter actually has a bowling ball instead of a skull. See? Look. You can pop out the eyes and nose and voila! You've got finger holes and a perfectly legitimate bowling ball. Have fun, kids."  

I tried to take a picture of her newest goose egg (she's collecting them, apparently). The picture isn't that clear,  but said bump is kinda in the middle of her head to the left.

No, we are NOT working on ridding Averypants of myfuckinglifesaver her "shasha" (pacifier) yet. I'm not worried about it. My kid won't eat, remember? I got bigger things to worry about.

Happy Tuesday. If you are living in Vegas today, I'm sorry. It's so hot. One of those days where you say to yourself, "What did I do in my life to deserve this?" That hot.

whore of the world

So relieved to have outed my pregnancy yesterday. 

I have to say, I'm really enjoying this second time around much more than the first. Let's list the reasons why.

1. Troy didn't run upstairs and hide under the covers when I told him I was pregnant this time.

2. My father-in-law didn't silently trek to the freezer, take out a gallon of ice cream, and sit in the corner of his house without saying a word for hours when he heard the news the second time. (Can't even describe how scary this was- the man is nearly 7 feet tall and, like, gigantic)

3.  Don't have to plan a unbelievably huge wedding, or go to Europe and watch Troy sample the worlds most delicious beers while sitting, scowling at my husband, in my first trimester. (PAINFUL)

4. I know what to expect, which is indescribably amazingly awesomely priceless.

5. I understand that sleeping all day = no exercise = super huge weight gain = husband making tractor back up noises when I walk backwards = unhappiness all around. 

6. The words,  "I don't think I want to use an epidural" will NEVER leave my mouth.

7. I know not to register for a bottle warmer that can charge in your car (ridiculous).

8. I know to really enjoy these last 6 months of structure and routine before our lives are unrecognizable again.

9. Gained 4 pounds in my first trimester this time, triple double that last time. 

10. I know that no matter how hard the newborn phase is, it goes by really quickly, and I need to really revel in every moment. And I know that I will love baby #2 just as much as I love baby #1, because he/she will make my heart melt just like this lil ham 

(on the dining room table- don't judge):

And, I cannot believe how fast my body started changing with this lil munchkin. Here's my 11 week bump picture for all (two) who asked yesterday:

Isn't it cute? Disregard my make-up-less concentration face. kthnx. 

Ok, enough pregnancy talk. 

I went over to my mom's house yesterday because she made lasagna  to crash her old lady card club. Here's a preview:

The tea cup and corn nuts and sweet reading glasses on my mom's friend Sally, would suggest a tame game of canasta.  However, let's just say name calling with phrases such as, "whore of the world", and "crusty twat" were not in shortage.  

I am so glad I got to witness that.

Have a wonderful weekend, whores of the world. 

pregnancy round 2

So.

As promised, I will explain why I have been posting emotional hard-on-myself blog posts lately. Oh, and also I will explain why I haven't been posting as many. And why there are piles of laundry all over my house. And why all I want to do is eat everything within my reach.

Can anyone say morning (noon and night) sickness? Can anyone say first trimester fatigue? 

Congratulations, Self, you're pregnant!

Yup, I was waiting to hear the heartbeat to spill the beans (mmm beans), which I did this morning. I am about 11 weeks along with a lil munchkin, we are so terrified excited to expand our little Beer family trio. Might start a family band.

So, as you know, this toddler phase has been demanding, and noticeably more-so because I want to throw up and fall asleep at the same time at any point of the day.  It's like in nature when a predator will attack weakened prey because they are easier to take down, that's what I envision Ave and me like right now. She's the predator (clearly) and I am the weakened prey. Shame on me for ever complaining about being tired during my first pregnancy, because when I was tired the first time around, I would simply lie down and sleep all day. Which I totally took for granted. Now, if I want to lie down, 

forgettaboutit (<-I'm from New York so I can say that).

By the way, Troy and I are the most fertile people alive... we literally discussed having another baby and at the end of the conversation I was pregnant. Unbelievable. I did surprise him by putting this shirt on Ave when he got home from work though, he was really surprised and excited :

Note: Baby girl nearly polished off that entire tube of Chapstick in my effort to keep her still to take a picture. 

Anyway, that's that. Go easy on me, the last few months have been rough! Kudos to you moms who have been pregnant with young children to tend to. It is nearly impossible!

Moms are SERIOUSLY superheroes. Seriously.

PS. Avery is chasing my dog around trying to feed him a flashcard with an apple ("a-poo") on it. Hilarious.

cutting hair and teeth

Thhhee ttaannttrruummssssssss aarree ggoinng to bbbeee tthhee eenndd ooff meeeeeeeeeeee.

No Wednesday Wish list today. My wish list this week consists of an extra 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep per night, mexican food without calories, and a toddler that likes me.

I literally dragged my 18 month old through a parking lot yesterday kicking and screaming because she wouldn't let me carry her to the car. Kinda looked like this minus the leash with more pavement. 

So, because she's been like this everywhere all the time for the last couple weeks, I took her to the doctor again because I was certain they were going to tell me she has arthritis or an ear infection or migraines which would explain away the intense crankiness.

Listen up pediatricians of the world. The next doctor that says, "just teething, bye bye" to me gets a round house kick to the face. No joke. Does my daughter have, like, the most sensitive mouth on the planet? wtf? Why does it seem like other kids just drool a lot, but mine makes a pact with the Devil to be the most evil, mean, defiant human alive whenever she's cutting a tooth? Unbelievable.

I blame my husband. Because... Hmm. Well, it's just his fault, ok?

Anyway, Satan Avery got her first haircut today! 

She did SO well. She got 4000 jelly beans shoved in her face, which always works. It looks great, her head has achieved maximum blonde girly curl capacity which I'm hoping will detract from the screaming cry face which has been making a frequent appearance upon her noggin. 

Look at her contemplating new tactics on how to push my buttons. Can't you see the wheels turning?! Actually, I think she's just working on a jelly bean, or... is she? 

I've been feeling really down lately. It seems every fussy kid I've observed is so easily calmed by his/her mother. Like all other children need is a word or a maternal touch and they are eventually calmed. Avery reacts to me as if I am running towards her with my head spinning around in circles while my entire body is covered in fire ants and razor blades. It really hurts my feelings which makes me think I have no motherly instincts. My mom tells me Avery is "testing her boundaries" or some shit. I don't quite know what that means.

Anyway, stay tuned tomorrow. I got awesomeness for you, I realize I've been absent-minded for a while.