Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I love birth control.

I began this morning optimistic about my first trip to the gynecologist with a 2-year-old and a 2 month old. 

I thought, "I see kids in the waiting room all the time, and they seem to be well behaved, what's the worst that could happen?"

Ohhh Sofia. You and your optimism. You need to stay where you are most comfortable- in a dark cloud of negativity. Yeah, that's it.

I got the kids ready and in the car without a hitch- smooth sailing. 

We get inside, Landon is sleeping, and Avery is LOUDLY sweetly saying adorable things like, 

"Doctor is going to take Mama's temper-chirp (temperature)?" 
"No shots for Avery. This Mama's doctor."

I think,"We can do this. We'll be in and out."

Then the receptionist informs me that "all the doctors are in delivery" and explains it's going to be a bit longer than I had anticipated.

I look at my well-behaved angels and agree to wait, it's going very well.

Another 2- maybe 3- year- old comes in and Avery immediately latches on to the poor little girl. She goes off into a corner with the ripped kids' books and 7-year-old issues of Highlights and I sit back and wait while feeling quite content in response to the behavior of my children.

I overhear a 30-something hot mess of a mom tell another equally terrifying mom how she likes to flick her son in the mouth when he talks back and how when she gives him a "spankin'" he laughs at her because he's such a brat. She goes on to explain how her husband had to give him THREE "spankins" until he agreed that it hurt. Because he's such a brat. (?!)

"No wonder her kid is a brat," I think, "his mom is an idiot." 

Then I glance over at my "much better-raised" daughter. She is throwing a book on the ground telling the little girl to "get it". Over and over. 


After a half hour or so of emptying the candy out of my purse and baby bag (at 9am) to get Avery away from further verbally abusing the little girl, we get called back.

All three of us go into the examining room which has the square footage of a Pop Tart. I, as instructed, undress from the waist down. 

Doctor comes in, Landon starts screaming as a result of starvation, Avery starts to lose it due to boredom. 

Doctor says, "You can hold the baby if you would like."

I thank her and agree to do so -- before I had realized that I'm going to have to walk across the room with no pants on and bend over to unbuckle and take him out of his car seat in front of the doctor. So, yeah, I did that and prayed to god no one was going to walk into the room while I bent over, bare-assed, while fiddling with the seat straps.

After the very disturbing couple minutes of soft porn I had just performed for the doctor, I lay down on the table and put my feet in the stirrups while I held Landon upright on my stomach. Avery then exclaims, "DRUMS!!!" and starts to pound on the biohazard trash can. 

I nervously laugh and apologize and the doctor begins to insert my IUD (SO I DON'T GET PREGNANT ANYMORE) while I beg and plead with Avery to relax. 

Then I hear a, "Mama's feet dirty! Yuck!"


"I have to go poo poo!"

and an extra loud, "I see Mama's pee pee!" 

I cringe and apologize and pray to everything ever to make the minutes go by quicker than usual. 

Thennnnnn I hear "I'm gonna lick your toe!" followed by, well, my toe being licked. (Extra awful because I couldn't see who was doing it-the doctor or Avery. Kidding.)

Anyway, we made it out alive and basically I have to change doctors now.

They sure are cute.... 

... but I'm cool on having anymore for a whiiiile. 
I love you IUD. <3


  1. Your kids are adorable and I'm sure gyno's have seen it all! I bet it makes for an interesting day when they look at crotches all day long! ;)

  2. Haha! Hilarious! I love your blogs!

  3. Oh sorry I forgot to sign it since I put anonymous. That other post was from Sarah :)

  4. Oh my GOD.

    I shouldn't be drinking when I read these things. Seriously. My poor boyfriend was startled (he was asleep) when I guffawed like a trucker at the idea of the doctor licking your toe. Sorry. :) I sure don't want kids but I enjoy hearing about YOURS. Also, there is never a dignified way for a man you're not intimate with looking at your bizness. Especially when they insist in prodding it and shining lights all up in there like they're looking for stray bats. At least dudes only have the cup and cough.

  5. brave. You are like the bravest EVER.

    2 year old plus gyno's appointment equals no fucking WAY. PLUS a baby...I'm pretty much speechless.

    I now bow to your superiority.

  6. hilarious. ;) avery always cracks me up.

  7. oh my, you are one brave woman. I don't even like taking my kid to his own doctor's appointments let a lone mine! It really is a wonder that people have multiple children.

  8. i know it's creepy to have a stranger comment on your blog, but i had to tell you i found this post particularly entertaining. so thanks.

  9. ZOMG. this story made me chuckle. You are an awesome mom! What sweet kiddos you have!?

  10. Sometimes I think you make this stuff up. Too funny!! Glad you made it out in once piece tho!! :)

  11. I loved my IUD (Mirena) and will most likely get one back in place after #2 has dropped it's landing gear.

  12. Oh my gosh! When I read the part of you being half naked, banding over to pick Landon up, I just totally lost it! I was laughing so hard, I had tears in my eyes! You crack me up! And seriously, you're SO brave taking a toddler AND an infant to the gyne office.

  13. I'm getting an IUD in May, and was told to get a sitter for the kids, as it wouldn't be a good idea to bring them. But, I did have to bring both to my postpartum checkup, and that was horrible...Xav couldn't sit still to save his life, and I had to basically corner him in the room so the doctor could do her thing, and he wouldn't be standing there asking "what are you doing? why are you doing that? what's that?"

    You're braver than I am :)

  14. Whew...let me just say that I'm glad I don't have to go through this layyydee stuff...hahaha

  15. This is a hilarious post. You are wonder woman for braving that with two little ones :)

  16. This reminds me: I need to buy more candy.