Note to self: Don't allow newly potty trained two year old to wipe herself and then sit on your lap with no pants on- you WILL end up with skid marks on your leggings.
Ugghhh hate my liiifffeee.
Nah. Actually I don't.
Mr. Valentines-day-is-a-waste-of-time-and-money surprised me (Mrs. Get-me-stuff-or-I'll-assume-that-you-are-having-an-affair) with beauuuutiful roses this morning! And a VERY thoughtful card! Made me so happyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!
In other news, Valentine's Day is the worst...
possible day to start a fast.
Chocolates galore, people posting pictures on facebook of the gourmet meals they are eating, and my husband making parmesan crusted pork chops with roasted fingerling potatoes for what should have been "us"- torture.
I'm doing the "lemonade" cleanse, which I've done before, and the first couple days fricken suck. You know, the lemon juice + cayenne pepper + maple syrup + FML drink. I'm doing it until Friday. We'll see how that goes. I started this morning, so basically haven't had food in 24 hours.
I'm so hungry I could eat my baby right now. He's seriously sitting in his swing at this moment rocking back and forth, and looks like a glazed ham.
So, because I like to inflict pain on myself, I went to lunch with my husband, and our children, and his parents today. I watched while my family ate french fries and cheeseburgers and wraps and chicken fingers. I barely talked for fear that opening my mouth would result in me shoveling something (ANYTHING!) edible into my face.
And because my father-in-law eats slower than any human being on the planet, we ended up staying longer than I had anticipated, which meant Landon (the 2 month old) needed to eat, and Avery (the 2 year old) was up way past her nap time. I braced myself for the car ride home which would surely include all three of us melting down.
"Thank god," I thought, "for the cupcake."
My in-laws bought Avery a little cupcake for the ride home, which I thought might distract her from contributing to the shit show that was about to go down in my car. Unfortunately for Starvingpants (that's me) she didn't want anything to do with the delicious dessert (for which I would have sold my soul to eat).
Here's a quick peek into my car at a stoplight:
Note: What the hell kind of two year old screams "I CAAANN'TT!!!" while holding a cupcake? So strange.
Anyway, after I finished recording this, I reached out to my cupcake-traumatized toddler, who put the sinful treat in my hand.
And that was the moment when time and sound froze. I could hear no more screaming. I could feel no more immense children-induced stress.
The frosting had gotten on my finger.
I knew the only option I had was to lick it off. I considered other routes, like wiping it on the seat, or pulling over to get a wipe out of the diaper bag, but no. I had to eat it.
So I did.
I almost ate my finger along with it.
Whatever, I cheated. I didn't have a choice.
Happy Valentine's Day, lovers. Tomorrow should be easier-- stay tuned........