Sunday, March 20, 2011

And that's why I hate the dentist.

Both my kids are sick.
 Avery has a respiratory infection and little Lan-man has a serious case of (who knows what) seasonal allergies (??).


So with a 2:30 dentist appointment on the horizon this past Thursday, I felt like I was counting down to a tropical vacation all day. Couldn't wait to detach from my whiney, snotty, miserable children (whom I love) (no seriously I do).

Finally, 2:15 rolled around, Troy got home from work, and I sprinted to my childless car. After the lingering Barney-induced ring in my ears  subsided, all I could hear was, well, nothing. It took me a while to pinpoint the euphoric feeling as "relaxation". Felt soo good. I found myself wishing that my dentist was located in a different state (country) so I could just steep in the silence of my car for as long as possible.

Anyway.

I got to the dentist, sat in the lobby, read a parenting magazine, learned nothing about parenting, then was called to the back.

I sat in the chair and in walked the dentist.

Dentist: Hey! How have you been? What brings you in today?
Me: Well, I need a cleaning and I need a chip in my front tooth fixed. The bond from a previous chip needs to be re-bonded.
Dentist: oh yeah? How'd you do that?
Me: I'm not gonna lie, I think I chipped it on a beer bottle last weekend.
Dentist: Ha!  Well, when did you chip it the first time?
Me: In high school. Maybe 16? 17?
Dentist: Oh yeah? How?
Me: Um. Well. On a beer bottle. I think? I could be wrong. (I wasn't wrong)
Dentist: Oh.

Then I started panicking because clearly he thought I was an alcoholic. For like, a long time. He was kinda weirded out and attempted to change the subject.

Dentist: So what else is new with you?
Me: ::shrug:: I just had a baby?

Then he left and called CPS.
Or the producer for "Moms Gone Wild"

Either way it was embarrassing.

But that wasn't even the worst part!
The cleaning. 

This nice Mormon lady who, while jamming all sorts of tools into my face, repeatedly asked questions that required full-length answers. I had to challenge myself to answer each question with one word, preferably an "uh-huh", even if that meant I was completely lying. 
For example.
(Keep in mind my mouth is packed with both her hands and floss or a pick or that little tiny mirror on a stick thing.)

Dental Assistant: Are you from here?
Me: Uh huh (not true)
Lady who talked too much: Do you plan on having more kids?
Me: Uh huh (not necessarily true)
Lady with Seven Kids: Who do your kids look like, you or your husband?

This is where I, again, started to panic. Because I knew I had to use a word at this point. AND she was using the air sucker thing so I was screwed. 
But, I went for it.

Me: Husb- 
And this is where my word was sucked right out of my throat by the saliva sucker tool. 

I just gave up and that point and opted for awkward silence.

And that's when I couldn't wait to be home again with my sick, miserable, kids. 

Couldn't get outta there fast enough.

Aaannndd that's why I hate the dentist. The End.


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