failed anorexia, relaxation, and a dirty joke

First, I know I have to change my page header... I know. I'm all over it next week.

So, not only did I eff up the BOD diet (see previous post) on account of my super duper husband's ridiculous steak chili with crazy good cornbread (from scratch- sexy.), but to make myself more disgusting, I realized, that at the end of my steamy caloric love affair, I had been dripping afore-mentioned chili upon my helpless 6 week old's bald head while I was gorging myself. He was laying on my lap as I was annihilating my first run-in with food in over 24 hours and the little guy didn't even flinch as the probably really hot amazingness pooled upon his perfect little forehead. He took one for the team, that baby-man. Love him.

 PS. Hate myself- I was thisclose to scooping the stew up with my bare hands and rubbing it all over my naked body. Like, eating it wasn't enough, I wanted to be "one" with the chili. 

Anyway. 

We all got a substantial break from Avery on Friday (thank you mother-in-law), much needed from both parties. I swear it's unhealthy to be around a two year old 24 hours a day for weeks at a time. And if you think that statement suggests a bad parent, you clearly have never been through "the twos" as a mom or dad. "The terrible twos" are legit. 

Regardless, the house goes into ultimate relaxation mode when our energetic little princess is gone. 

Exhibit A

Exhibit B (15 minutes later)

What else happened. Oh, today we went to Costco where we stocked up on groceries for the week while sampling the finest mini egg rolls and dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets  and heaping spoonfuls of Activia. Didnt think our experience could get any better until the grocery bagger lady warned me that my "meat box" (the box packed with all the chicken and pork and beef we will need for this week a year) was far too heavy for me to carry, and I would need my husbands help. 

 This fueled an entire car ride full of filthy jokes having to do with my "meat box"- my last input being so disgusting that it was no longer funny anymore.

BOD DIET UPDATE: Oh, I ate a hot dog today. It was unbelievableeeee.  Otherwise, I've been soooo good on my diet that everyone hates except my husband. Even passed out up Troy's caramelized brown sugar and banana pancakes this morning. All I had to eat yesterday was some vodka (I decided I needed alcohol to forget how hungry I was...) Go me.

I hope you and all your meat boxes had a great weekend! 

I'm dizzy.

Ok. I'm not even going to address how long it's been since I've updated this blog. Well- I guess I just did. Ok, but that was it.  Yeah.  Moving on... 

Soooooooo I had a baby! Ill share the funny story about how I shot the baby at the doctor another time. His name is Landon, he's six weeks old, and he is a perfect, darling, adorable, sweet baby boy. He's amazing and I'm obsessed with him. 

It's not uncommon to find me twirling him around making up songs about how he is made of bubbles and rainbows and duckies and fluffy pillows. Or how he fell from a marshmallow cloud that garnished God's delicious hot chocolate. Or something like that. He can do no wrong. I tell him he never cries as he's crying. I tell him he never poops as he's pooping. My husband thinks I'm crazy but what else is new. Oh, you want a picture of the valiant Prince Lan-man? My pleasure.

Then there was the two year old. 

Well- the 26 month old. Who I potty trained, thank you very much, whilst caring for a newborn. But that's besides the point... (if you want to tell me how awesome I am, I'm not gonna protest) 

Avery loves her baby brother (or as she says, her "baby butter") but hasn't taken too kindly to not reigning over my husband and me with the same power that she possessed in the olden days. She has been soooooooooooooooo effffiinnngggg a bit defiant and THE WHINING!!!! The sharp tone her voice takes as she complains about how the sippy cup I selected is the wrong sippy cup makes me want to punch myself in the face. It's cool though. It's just a phase (someone tell me it's a phase or I'm packing Landon in a suitcase and we're headed to Mexico- no...it's cool- my totally un-Mexican mom lives there with her totally un-Mexican husband- no seriously... ) 

Anyway, so that's happening. What else? Oh. I hate HATE having 20 15 10 pounds left to lose. It sucks. Soooo my twin sister and I (who gained a few while being sidetracked by the most intense art school in LA) have made up a diet. We shared our experiences and successful weight loss tricks in the past and came up with the BOD diet. Not "bod" like "hey check out my 'bod'", but BOD as in Brink Of Death diet. It's actually a really easy concept. You just don't eat. So basically, if we make it, we're gonna look fabulous. I think it's really gonna catch on. But in the mean time, we might die. Here's what our conversations look like lately:

Worried about my health? Don't be! My husband is totally supportive. And Avery's not worried about it either. Note a conversation I had with her yesterday:

Avery: "HAHA! Your tummy is making sounds mama!"

Sofia: "Yeah, because I'm starving"

Avery: "I wanna wear a pumpkin shirt"

1. This conversation really happened. 2. See! She could not be less worried! 3. I'm dizzy

To be continued...

Have a great weekend enjoying your breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. 

:(