Friday, January 25, 2013

Marriage is like a banana

I've been thinking about marriage lately.

 Troy and I are a few weeks shy of our five year anniversary, so, because I have no life, today I've been trying to come up with a marriage-y quote to take with me as the years pass. And maybe to have just in case I ever go into the bumper sticker business. Anywho, what I've come up with may have something to do with my refusal to partake in any carb-related activities with our impending Mexico vacay, and it defintiely has everything to do with what happened this morning, but, nevertheless, I've decided on the following:
 
 "Marriage is like a banana. The longer it ripens, the sweeter it gets. Then it gets really dark and disgusting and it's gross."

If I had had a naughty dream about a celebrity when Troy and I had been dating, say, I probably wouldn't have even revealed my nighttime tryst for fear of offending my troyfriend at the time. I would have locked it in a vault, and reprimanded myself for such an inappropriate subconscious romp. I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings by admitting that I so flippantly and promisuously thought of another man. It just wouldn't be nice.

Then you get married.
The idea of offending your significant other in seemingly small ways gets a little sillier as each day passes. The banana starts to get a little softer. (Stop it. This analogy is working in all sorts of directions now... I like it...) "Til death do you part," right? No one is going anywhere (fingers crossed)- what's an uncontrollable dream here and there, ya know? So, if presented with a similar x-rated dream situation, after the first year of marriage, maybe I'd feel comfortable enough to reveal the taboo dream to my husband. And he would respond with something like, "...Aw babe. Don't have dreams about other men. It makes me sad. You still love me, don't you?" Sad. Poor Troy...But, in reality, that's a good reaction! That means that there's a little healthy fear that exists that maybe someone might swoop up on his valuable spouse. It keeps you on your toes, one might say. It's the "sweet" part of the banana analogy.

But then even more time passes. Things happen. Maybe your husband watched you get so immensely swollen with child that the inner thigh section of your leggings actually began to disintegrate from such intense, high-heat rubbing. Maybe he watched you birth a living eight pound hair-covered thing out of your crotch - twice. Or perhaps he witnessed you half naked, post-baby fat rolls cascading down your front, as your gigantic baby-induced African tribal nipples are sucked and pulled and squeezed in and out of a milk-pumping machine. He may have even seen you black out and eat fourteen pounds of raw cookie dough after three months of hardcore dieting.... Or drink way too much and/or seen you scream so psychotically at his children that one of your eyes twitched and the other eye bulged out of your head simultaneously. This is clearly symbolic of the darkened banana. So dark. Scary, really.
 
Needless to say, marriage continues, years fly, that banana continues to ripen, and the thought of one's betrothed wife taking on a celebrity dream lover isn't so threatening anymore, let alone realistic. Because, let's face it, where at one point I may have been a glowing, mysterious, Greek goddess to Troy, I am now that one mom who is, like, always hanging around, and has been wearing the same work-out clothes for 36 hours. The self-consciousness and jealousies that may have made themselves known earlier in the relationship are much more scarce. And that's why this morning, while lying in bed, I call out to my husband who is in the bathroom getting ready for work, and the following progresses:  

 "Oh my god. I totally had a dream about Gavin DeGraw."

Then I started to dig. I wanted to get a response... make sure that  that "healthy fear" was still alive and well in my husband, I wanted get a read on the state of our banana, if you will,

 "...AND he totally wanted me, and if it wasn't for Landon waking me up 379 times we were totally going to get it on. Like... HARD."

Troy  pauses. I think, "Shit. Here we go. I went too far..." I feel bad. I wait a couple more seconds. Is he crying?! Why isn't he answering me. Now I feel really REALLY bad. Should I say something? I should say something. I'll tell him I was just kidding. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I take a breath to speak, open my mouth, then from around the bathroom's wall I hear, "Hey babe...? Come here and get this pimple on my butt, will ya?"

Wait.
What?

In his defense, he was very appreciative of my help ("...thanks so much, now I'll be able to sit down today...") and he DID make a comment that Gavin DeGraw surely has pimples on his ass too. I don't know how he knows that, but he seemed pretty confident about it. Point is, we haven't even reached the five year mark yet. What's next?  After ten years of marriage, I press him with a, "TROY! Zac Efron just dream-railed the shit out of me!," and he responds with what...? What could possibly be worse than the butt thing? The banana is so gross already, ya know?

I'm freaked out. It's just... I don't know... there's just SO much marriage left.

And it's bananas.
 
Marriage is bananas.

That's actually a way better bumper sticker, I'm going to have to remember that.



The moral of the story is don't tell your husbands your raunchy dreams anddddd ONE WEEK TIL MEXICO BETCHESSSS! 

14 comments:

  1. This is so funny! I can definitely relate!

    ReplyDelete
  2. This post has me cracking up, because I can TOTALLY relate. It's funny how you can really no longer offend your spouse with comments like that. My husband sells beer at a stadium as a side job in the summer, and when he tells me that girls hit on him, I always respond with, "Good for you!" :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! Such supportive wives our husbands have!

      Delete
  3. um, this is hilarious. you're hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks for stopping by my blog!! :) I look forward to reading yours. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Just loved this Sofia!! Totally relate! I always have to tell Tim about my naughty dreams because I'm so proud of the celebrities I've slept with in them! lol

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thanks for visiting my blog. I LOVE your writing style. You're hilarious. I can't wait to read more!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hahahahahahahaha that it hilarious!!!

    It's 6am here in South Africa and I'm stuck at work already - this was quite a fantastic pick me up to start the day with!

    Thank you!

    www.bohemianmuses.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thanks for paying my little blog a visit! I am so happy you commented because that brought me to your blog! Your blog freggin awesome! I'm not just saying that either. This post just gave me a really good laugh. Love your honesty!! You've got yourself another follower!

    xo
    Rachel

    ReplyDelete
  9. http://www.amazon.com/Hutzler-5717-571-Banana-Slicer/dp/B0047E0EII/ref=sr_1_1?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1358875901&sr=1-1&keywords=banana+slicer&tag=hydfbook0e-20&ascsubtag=US-SAGE-1356360221536-FWMIL

    The reviews on this are hysterical.

    P.S. I LOVE YOUR BLOG.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Omg I saw this a couple days ago and it changed my life!! Very funny. And THANK YOU for reading my blog!!

      Delete