Thursday, February 14, 2013

Awww snap

How have I never noticed it before?
All these years and I had no idea. In retrospect, I guess all the signs were pretty clear all along, but I never took the time to put the pieces together. Maybe I knew, but didn't want to believe it was true, ya know? But after a lot of thought and self-realization, I come to accept that I, Sofia Beer, am extremely uncool.

I really hurt my wrist today.
 It's better now, but for a while there, I was concerned. And I wish I could tell you that I twisted it by revving a motorcycle engine too ferociously. I wish I could tell you the reason I fell to the floor in agony clutching my blown out wrist was because I saved a Himalayan village child from an impending avalanche or because I was break dancing or shredding on my guitar or parachuting out of an airplane. But I can't. Today, I injured myself by snapping. Like, yeah, snapping my fingers. And it gets worse. The REASON I was snapping was because I had repeated the phrase "it's nap time" over and over so many times to my children as they completely ignored me, that the words kinda started to smoosh themselves together and I, trying to be cool and make my daughter laugh at my wittiness, declared, "it's not nap time, IT'S SNAP TIME!," followed by dorky snapping session, then wrist breaks from excessive nerdiness aaaand mommy down. I mean... really? No one even appreciated my pun- Avery stood over me as I was sprawled out on the carpet in agony and she shouted, "I don't like sleepingggg!!!" at my injured body.
So that happened.

And then I was thinking about all the other things I do that I thought made me cool but absolutely do not. Like my kickboxing classes at the gym. Ask me about it yesterday and I'd have all douche-ily been like, "yeah, I partake in a little Muay Thai from time to time, but my jam is ka-rat-ay... Watch out!," followed by a mock karate chop to showcase my talents and I suck. Because in reality, after some thought I've realized that in those classes I'm really just bouncing around in an air-conditioned room, surrounded by other dorky soccer moms, punching at the air and wiggling our butts while a club remix of an obnoxiously tame Adele song blares in the background. And as much as I hate to admit it, I'm no cooler than the Asain woman next to me who has less rhythm than a wet blanket. And actually, sadly, I'm one of the ten moms who can't do the jumping-in-place track because it feels like my bladder will completely fall out of my body whole if I hop one more time thanks to the magic that was childbirth. And let's be honest, regarding the whole "combat" thing, if someone really wanted to fight me, I'd be fucked. These classes have prepared me with absolutely zero real life fighting skills. I'd be knocked out before I could finish my shuffle-right-back-kick-front-kick combo. Unless the person who wanted to fight would rather have a battle to see who could do the most consecutive high knees. Then I'd have a shot. Even though I might pee myself. See?? Uncool. Not to mention the whole freakishly weak wrist thing.

I also tried to write a really meaningful Valentine's Day card to my husband. I set out with intention of making my husband sob with my moving, deep, raw, and loving words, but instead, ended up with a rambling note about my appreciation for him not leaving me when I got really fat with my first pregnancy. So, I tried to over-compensate for the stupid inside with a pretty outside...

Not very smooth. Ever.

Anyway, happy Valentine's Day. Hope you all are having an awesome, super cool day, and I hope to god you haven't eaten as much chocolate as I have. 



  1. That whole snapping thing can be very dangerous! Kidding, happy valentine's day!

  2. I have carpal tunnel, so my wrists are always hurting. I can't turn door knobs without pain. I feel like an old lady.

    Love the fuck on the envelope. Ha!

  3. Good Lord woman u are funny. You made my lame-ass Saturday night a bit brighter! Love your writing !

  4. Hahahaa! You are hilarious! And I don't even attempt the abs classes at the gym anymore becaaaaause... I fall off those stupid exercise balls. It doesn't matter what type of ab move the instructor has us doing, the ball always slides out from under me and the instructor ALWAYS calls out "there's one in every class!" Ha!

  5. Oh, man, the bladder thing will get you every time. How is it possible to feel cool after the permanent reorganization of your lady parts? I just don't know. I hope your wrist feels better soon!! And good luck with nap time! I know YOU need your rest!

  6. Babhahahaa!
    I've felt the same way in my kick boxing class. ONCE, yes once we got to use one of those real boxing dummies, which made me feel super badass. Although I'm sure I was just as same as you described above.

    And that envelope. I DIE! too funny. Mine had a dinosaur on it, hand drawn, and equally goofy. :)