Saturday, February 9, 2013

There's a nap for that

I wake up each morning- let me start over. I am catapulted into jarring consciousness from dead sleeplessness each *debatably* morning but probably night and have high hopes for myself. First I assess the whole energy situation, and after seventeen cups of coffee, feel confident that I've got the drive to do it. I say to myself, "Self, today, when the kids assume their napping positions, you will mop the floors and completely prep dinner and scrub the floor boards, bathe the dogs, write fourteen blog posts and climb Everest. You will squeeze productivity out of every invaluable minute those children are not demanding every ounce of your physical and mental capabilities." And this is the time of the day where I set out to do everything that I need to do and it's actually, if planned properly, not unrealistic! I can probably utilize the two hours or so wisely and make a very big dent on satisfying my neuroticism. Well, ok, I could do everything except maybe the dog bath part. I don't do dog hair. I just... don't.

So we go about our day. Per the routine, we go to the gym, and depending on which day it is, I drop off and then immediately pick up Avery from school (which is exactly what half day preschool feels like), then we will all run some errands, come home, I'll make the kids and myself lunch, then we will all eat while they totally zomb out (like "zombie"? "Zomb"? New phrase- it'll catch on) to one of their shows. While I clean the lunchtime dishes is about the time when I take a read on the state of the kids' sleepiness. Is Landon punching Avery in the head yet? Yup! He sure is! Nap time! And we're off.

Throughout our trek up the stairs I organize my plan of attack on my "list". I decide, perhaps, that I'll clean the upstairs toilets after the first load of towels has been started in the wash. Or maybe I'll decide to dust the blinds after I vacuum the couch but before I give the dogs a bath. Just kidding- still not touching the dogs.

Yay! We've made it upstairs! Landon goes down without a hitch, though Avery always takes quite a bit of begging and bribing because, well, frankly she's been ready to give up the nap for like 40-something months but it doesn't affect her nightsleep either with or without the glorious midday snooze and, ummm, don't judge me? Anyway, they're both knocked out. And it's at this moment when it happens.

At this moment, what happens is, the house reaches a level of stillness and silence that has never existed in the history of the world. I can't. Move. I can't think about anything but closing my eyes. Through heavy eyelids, things that were once blaring reminders of my duties are now beginning to look only like sleep related things. The piles of laundry start to look like plush, soft clouds and my filthy dogs are fuzzy white sheep repeatedly jumping over them. All my limbs are seemingly submerged in quicksand and uncontrollably I'm heading in one direction and one direction only. I'm a moth and my bed is the brightest lightbulb hanging on a patio on the darkest night of all time. I have no choice. There is no other viable option for me. The words "chores" and "snores" start to sound eerily similar to me, and in my confused state I can't quite remember which if the two I needed to get done.
Then I'm out.
 Seriously. I pass out every time. Sometimes I don't even make it to my bed. One time I woke up on the floor in my closet completely unaware of how I got there. It's sad but I guess that's what four years and three months of shitty sleep will do. What's even sadder is that I have been convinced that I have hidden this from my husband and hidden it well. Truthfully I'm embarrassed about it. Sometimes, during my secret naps, my husband will have to unexpectedly return home and work from our home office. And in the past, when that unearthly silence has been broken by his arrival, I would frantically jump out of bed from deep sleep, and start throwing clothes around the room or just grab a bottle of Windex and begin spraying something, anything (is that a wall?), in my slumbering haze, sleep lines from my pillow still embedded all over my face. Sometimes I would just run to the bathroom and flush the toilet or turn on the shower or loudly knock something over in an attempt to deter him from suspecting that I was pretty much dead a minute prior.
Anyway, a couple days ago, Troy came home during my the kids' naptime, and, as he walked in, I so sleepily and sloppily grabbed the unplugged vacuum with my hair tangled and mascara smudged while blindly pushing the machine in some sort of direction that he just gave up and asked, "how was your nap today? You're seriously so weird." Just like that! And after all these years, I've been exposed and I think he's known it all along! Whatever. Being a slave to two midget dictators twenty four hours a day is exhausting. Hearing a blaring, "MAMA!!!!" coming from, definitely, one room and sometimes two rooms, multiple times every night is wearing.

So what I'm trying to say is, between the afternoon hours of 1:00 and 3:30 in the Beer household has officially been deemed "daily nap time". Mark it on your calendars, set your alarms, alert the local news, and someone, for the love of Christ, PLEASE tell the UPS guy.


  1. Love it! I have found myself falling asleep in the morning while my oldest is eating breakfast, and the baby goes back to sleep after eating. Luckily, my daughter always yells, "Wake up Mama!", right in my face so I don't get that precious nap.

  2. Aww! You work hard, lady - you deserve that time!

  3. Haha this is awesome! :) Enjoy the naps!

  4. Hahaha! I totally do the same thing and try to hide it like he can't tell that's so funny how he called u out! Whatever is right we deserve it!

  5. So this is what I have to look forward too? yaaaaay. ;) Loved this post, made me giggle ... gonna have to stop by more often i think! :)

  6. Hey there! I found your blog through a friend of a friend and I have to say, I LOVE YOUR BLOG! As a stay at home Mom (with a 4 year old and 18 month old) You are the voice of our people! Ha! Can I share your blog on my FB with my other Mom friends? Seriously, you are hilarious. You NEED to write a book!
    (: Tracey

    1. Hi! Glad you found me! Looks like we are in the same boat! Please share away, I always love new readers!

    2. And THANK YOU for the compliments!!

  7. Haha I LOVE this! When my son was a newborn I'd never sleep when he did cause I was obsessed with keeping the house in perfect shape. Now that he's an almost toddler, I nap when he does and sometimes it's twice a day (pathetic). Kids are exhausting to keep up with!


  8. This is ME! I have such high hopes for myself every day. But sleep deprivation is like the worst form of torture. It cannot be overcome. Great post. I'm putting it on my pinterest board.

  9. This is hysterical! I love your honesty! All mothers of mini-midget dictators should get a two hour nap a day, it should be the law :)

  10. So funny! I love your writing style. Also, adult naps are definitely allowed.