Wednesday, August 27, 2014

The (MFing) Master Cleanse

Day 1
(written on Day 2)
  too. hungry. and. miserable. to. do. anything. but. be. hungry. and. miserable.

Day 2
 As I am writing this using my phone's keyboard I cannot help but to feel the weight of my phone between my hands and envision my thumbs supporting the shape of a fat, dripping cheeseburger instead of composing this little update, which, frankly, I am doing solely to keep me from pacing the kitchen (again). I keep alternating between swinging the pantry and refrigerator's doors open, and gazing longingly at all the little foodies that I am forbidden to touch for the next eight days. What exactly am I looking for?? Maybe I'm just hoping that behind one of the doors will appear a time machine that will teleport me ten days into the future. Everything looks good. Even the salsa that I'm certain expired 4 months ago. Gimme.
 Anyway, I ran three miles today. Well. I'm lying. I stopped at 2.89 miles because I swear I saw a raccoon scurry past my treadmill. Call me crazy, but when I start to hallucinate animals that are not even kind of native to this area working out in my gym, I slow down to a walk. But I did feel particularly euphoric afterwards. I'm thinking exercise may be the key to me successfully completing this cleanse this time. I've only finished one from beginning to end five years ago, I've unsuccessfully attempted this cleanse before, I think, twice.

Day 3
No time for exercise. School starts for both my little darlings in a few days and my schedule is bursting at the seams.
Today I have been obsessed with food all day. Not in that I want to consume it necessarily, which I do in waves, but I just want to be near it and touch it and look at it and caress it and tell it I love it.
I put my son down for a nap at 12:30 then sprinted to the kitchen where I busily started to throw together a gorgeous loaf of banana bread.
As soon as that cinnamon-y vanilla-y buttery gloriousness was out of sight and into the oven (side note: I just checked on it and muttered a "holy fucking shit it's beauuuuuuutiful" to myself, closed my eyes, shut the oven door, and backed away slowwwwlllyyy because I was in severe danger of jumping in with the golden brown butter/sugar sponge and shutting myself in, burning alive with a smile on my face. "Gruesome death by carbs..." my obituary would say, "she's in a better place now"...) I started browning some ground beef in olive oil and red onion and copious amounts of garlic. I'm making my mom's lasagna, baby. It's my favorite and I can't have a bite. I am so sensitive to each ingredient's scent too. I chopped a small bunch of parsley and have never smelled anything so magnificent. If it weren't so hot outside, I'd run through a field with it and make out with it behind a tree. Anyway, I'm gonna make myself another lemonade, all this parsley talk has gotten me all hot and bothered.
Day 4
First day of the salt water flush for me. It's a "natural laxative" drink composed of what feels like a gallon of luke-warm water mixed with sea salt. Except I drank it cold, which I thought may make it easier, and it made me throw up. It is the worst thing that's ever happened to me, I think, and I was nauseous all morning. Anyway, I thought I might have vomited too much up for it to be effective, but boy was I wrong. It cleans you OUT. I might as well have chugged a container of drain-o if you catch my drift. Anyway, I did a spin class today, felt great and had plenty of energy. I can honestly say I'm not craving anything in particular today, and processed food just looks gross. And meat! I have no desire to eat meat, and I am a self-proclaimed carnivore. Soooo, I've lost six pounds, which is great because I gained a couple poundies in Idaho at my Mom's house where she basically propped my mouth open with a stick and poured food and alcohol down my throat for seven days. So with the extra, I started at 125, weigh 119 today.

......(6:28 pm) (STILL day 4 ... HOW?!)
- I lied. Made dinner for Troy and the kids and I lied. I'm sorry. I apparantly lied when I mentioned that I have turned up my nose to meat. I just made linguine with sweet and hot sausage and sliced fennel and onions in a velvety tomato sauce and so much parm and all sorts of other deliciousness and ... I lied. I want to bathe in that sausagey concoction and smear it all over my face while simultaneously gulping it down in a bathtub made out of chicken wings. And Troy decanted a bottle of wine right in front of me. What a DICK. And it's raining, thundering, and lightening and ALMOST COLDISH and nothing, I mean NOTHING, sounds better than meat-doused pasta and wine right now. I'd stalk and hunt and kill one of the rabbits that eats my grass with my bare teeth at the moment .  Ughhhhhhhhh x 78 x infinity!!!!

 Day 5

 So today is the first day I'm dealing with a double dose of laxatives. The first being what I drank last night; the Smooth Move Tea, a euphemism if I've ever heard one, and the second being the salt water flush- which, drinking warm is a million times more palatable. Lesson learned. Anyway, as soon as I got the salt water down, things felt veeeerrrrrry fragile for a while below the belt. It can be assumed that I was scared to sneeze or raise my voice at the kids. I was gingerly whispering, "please don't punch your sister in the face," for fear that the force I put into being loud would push whatever was in my middle-region out, and my kids were confused at my super-odd behavior.  Either way, that weirdness ended, and I feel really good today. Not hungry, not cranky. I think I've gotten over the hump. My life has gone from "really miserable" to "just a little miserable" and I'm enjoying it heartily.

Ironic moment of the day: cashier at Walgreens complains of a headache because she hasn't eaten "aaaalll dayyyyy". HA!!

Day 6

Second day of the salt water flush, second day of feeling bloated. I lost six lbs by day four, gained two by day five, and am a pound down from that today. So. Five pounds in exchange for pure torture?! No thanks. Not to mention my weight can fluctuate five pounds a day anyway. Lame. Feeling discouraged. How the HELL do you manage to NOT LOSE WEIGHT on 600-800 calories a day?! Amazing. I can only assume the salt water is making me retain water. So that's out, no more of that. Spoiler alert: I won't miss it. It makes my insides feel like it's lined with bubble wrap.

Went to PF Changs with my mother in law and kids and watched my daughter annihilate lettuce wraps, sauce dripping down her chin and licking her fingertips after each bite. It's was like Chinese water torture without the water and extra Chinese. Little Avery could only finish half her California roll (she couldn't pahhhhhsibly finish it) and I very seriously contemplated swiping a crab wonton from a unsuspecting waiter's tray as he passed by, wafting the steaming dish completely level with my face while we were walking out. No one would have known. I shoulda done it.

Then we took the kids to get frozen yogurt. How much longer to I have?!?! Four days. I. Can. Do. It.

Thought of the day: While talking to a fellow mom in Avery's Kindergarten classroom I wonder, "God, I hope there's nothing in my teeth. No, there's not, Sofia, you haven't eaten food in SIX MOTHERFUCKING DAYS."

Day 7
I am soooooo over this, but I've made it this far, I'm going to finish it, for no other reason but to prove to myself I can do it. I'm waiting for the day when I will feel great (they say day 7 is the day...) but I only feel great in spurts-usually when I'm distracted from the ever-nagging urge to eat food. I do like feeling empty and have enjoyed not experiencing any guilt this week about over-eating or eating something I shouldn't. I'm not bloated today (skipped the salt water flush), and am back to 119 which I can live with.

Day 8
Feel comfortable in my smallest bathing suit today. Feeling thinner.
 I made lunch for my family today, stir fry with chicken, bok choy, carrots, haricot verts, sweet basil, garlic, and noodles with some peanut and teriyaki sauces. It smelled soooo good. And let me tell ya something. Watching my kids turn up their bratty little noses to healthy delicious, food that has wasted a sliver of my life to prepare, has always annoyed me into oblivion, but when Landon begs for me to "just give him Fruity Pebblesssss" instead of the very thing in the world I want the most in that moment is maddening. Needless to say, Little Boy went down for a nap with an empty tummy. Hungry Mommy don't play. Fruit Pebbles?! I will CUT a preschooler. Try me.

 Hoping Troy takes the kids to dinner tonight. I can't go through another torturous meal prep. It's been a week of abuse. Doing this cleanse with a family to feed is SO incredibly challenging. I would imagine I could do this cleanse for a month if I were single. And jobless. And had a personal lemonade chef. And had anesthesia that didn't wear off for thirty days. But yeah, this way is hard... Two more days... Two more days...

Day 9
Feeling really thin today. I am wearing leggings and a t-shirt because the shorts I had on earlier were falling off and my summer dresses are too loose.

 I was thinking a lot today about how lonely this cleanse has made me feel at times. I have only received a handful of positive comments in regards to this cleanse, whereas, for the most part, I have heard things like, "you're crazy" "you're going to gain all the weight back anyway" or "why would you do that to yourself" and the like. Would have been nice to have had a bit more support from my friends and family. But regardless, I am boundlessly proud of myself. This cleanse has taken a lot of self-control and discipline, and I can accredit the intense focus it has taken to get this far to no one but myself. So, go me! And, if nothing else, I have learned how being a supportive person can positively influence another. A good lesson for me to learn at a time when my daughter is starting school and will need unwavering support from me for a very long time. I need to remember how feeling unsupported in something that I felt was important for myself made me feel quite desperate at times.
I am looking very forward to eating again, eating with my family, and having a glass of wine. I am up for the challenge of keeping the weight off and taking advantage of my mind being sort of at "ground zero" in regards to food and eating until we leave for Europe in a little over a month, and hopefully long after as well. I feel good today. Only a day and a half to go. I can do it. I will do it.

Day 10 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Troy quote of the day: "You gotta get finished with this cleanse cz I can't keep drinking bottles of wine by myself anymore."

 Ok, Troy. Your wish is granted, I have made it to the end!!! I weighed in at 115.2 this AM! I'm drinking the lemonade drink up until dinner, then on to veggie broth for tonight. I can't waaaaiiiitttttt! I did it. I am SO proud of myself! It was so hard and there were SO many times I wanted to give up. I've lost ten pounds and can't wait to get back to a healthy diet and exercise schedule. I felt a bit too loopy and was too busy with school starting to work out the last couple days, I'm expecting to gain back half of what I lost fairly quickly, so I'm gonna enjoy the shit out of my 115. Get ready for some selfies, people.
SO, in short, it's been a challenging ten days, and I've come to the conclusion that my most favorite part of this cleanse was when it ended! And I'd like to never have any maple syrup ever again, thanks.



1 comment:

  1. i stumbled on your hilarious blog years back.. cant remember exactly how .. but im glad i did. ive always wanted to know what the MC was really like and holy crap am i happy to find someone who documented it. forget other peoples commentary on doing it- i really feel as though when you choose to do something, anything really.. and follow through to the end and complete it- it sends an overall message to your kids. and kuddos to you for doing this while caring for 2 littles- more power to you!