The Brewery

Ice cream + The squish factory

2011-11-14T21:38:00.000-08:00

I never really eat ice cream.

Like, I guess, I kinda find the calorie intake overwhelming or whatever so I usually don't partake in desserting in general. I might have a bite of someone else's deal, but I NEVER eat sweets with no one around, mostly for fear of being walked in on by a stranger and then that person assuming that I always veg out. Although, if I'm home alone and someone unexpectedly walks in on me, it seems that I would have bigger problems. Like burglary. Or sexual assault.

My supertall and perma-thin husband, however, for the last 6 weeks, has been seriously binging on some Ben and Jerry's. Because he wants to. Because he can. So we have been fully stocked with all sorts of ridiculous frozen pints of naughtiness, and even still, I never give in, I just walk by and tell myself that my thighs will rub together if take just one bite. So I don't. Seriously never.

But toniiggghhhttttttttttt, my awesome husbandguy, has left me here alone. He went to the UNLV game without me and I started to feel kinda lonely, definitely pissed, sorta sad, and a tad vulnerable. All these feelings kinda bubbled over and I said to myself "fuck it. this is happening. now." and the next thing I knew I was nose to carton with the unthinkable. I grabbed my spoon, dug in, and very ungracefully flung a perfectly good mouthful of ice cream onto the floor. Then I said like 4 curse words, then I went in for the real thing.

ohhhhh mmmyyy gggoooddd

Apparently there is some sort of chemical flavor explosion reaction when one is mad and depressed and sad and eats Ben and Jerry's banana split ice cream. I seriously entered into some sort of head trip Utopia dream place and the next thing I new, my spoon was scraping the bottom of the carton. Thankfully, there was just enough left to disperse around and cover the empty crater, and then I panicked and shoved the carton back where I think I took it from
THEN

I
WENT

FOR
THE
PEACH
COBBLER
BEN AND JERRY'S

AND
IT
WAS
RIDICULOUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Then I decided I needed to tell as many people as possible, so here I am.

I'm confessing.

Sooo there ya go.

In other news, I think it's really cute when Avery repeats all the flat-out weird nicknames I have give to ~~Squishopatomas~~ Landon, but it is mucho embarrassing when she calls him "Ling Ling" in public.

I mean, I'm sure there is someone somewhere in Henderson who, over drinks with a friend, recently said, "Weirdest thing. I'm pretty sure I saw an absolutely Caucasian baby named "Ling Ling" today." and then her friend gasps and then they go make really bad alcohol-related bad decisions and I'm jealous.

It's so hard not to say totally strange things to Boy though. He is soooo ccuuutteee and my brain doesn't work properly when he gets all squishy.

I mean....

Squishyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Ok! We are moving! Crazy fun fun fun! I'll blog about that eventually- its REALLY freaking hard to find a minute to do this blogging business. For realz

stealing french fries and emulating pumpkins.

2011-10-24T20:51:00.000-07:00

I thiiiink my kids are trying to make me fat.

Let me start by saying that I am relatively concerned with what goes into my kids' adorable little bodies. I mean, they are certainly not on an organic vegan diet, but my husband and I eat well and I definitely go through phases of neurotically counting calories. That said, they get their fair share of grilled cheese and toaster strudels but only because I fear the 3-year-old wouldn't be alive if it weren't for chicken fingers.

So yeah, the tendency to become ginormous is especially easy when you have little ones. For so many reasons. I mean, not only did birthing two babies annihilate my metabolism, but kid food is always amazing and it seems a portion of every kid meal seems to be covered in cheese and/or carbs. And, of course, Averystarvingface can't seem to gag down all of the delicious fried cheesy carby thingy I have prepared, so I feel obligated to stand up for all the emaciated children in Africa and spare no calorie-sprinkled crumb, which includes all completely untouched vegetables (that balances it out, right?). And whenever my kids are sick (which has been constant this month) I can't bring them to the gym. And and and and and McDonald's is soooooooooooo convenient.

Poor Avery. I would always secretly nosh on the fries in her Happy Meal while driving home until one time recently when I omitted the trans fat french fry fest while in a fit of disgust at my eating habits. When I got home and presented her with her "meal" she looked at me in wonderment and surprise and said, "Mama! They gave me so many fries today!"

Poor sweet kid thought Happy Meals came stock with 3 french fries. :(

So, now I get an extra order of fries for myself in order to be a better mother. (?)

And the girl loves her chocolate ice cream.

Exhibit A:

Which, in our climate, is constantly melting, which must be tended to by me personally by ingesting all chocolate drippings because a napkin just can't quite cut it, right? Right.

But, calories come in different forms. Let's not even get into what damage I do when I'm not with the kids in an attempt to enjoy my time without my kids.

Exhibit B:

That's me. And that drink in my hand surrrre isn't an unblended fruit smoothie, you can bet your buttons I didn't have just one.

On another note, look how happy I look! I was freakin' stoked to be having a drink at that moment after the 8 month sick-free run at our house tragically ended with virus after virus after virus for a month, alternating between kids and sometimes overlapping. Which means the lush pictured above hadn't left the house in a while which caused her left eyelid to twitch uncontrollably.

Can't WAIT to get back to the gym tomorrow. Finally have two healthy kids! And once October ends it's not cool to continue emulating a pumpkin. Actually it was never cool, soooo...

The end.

Jerk O Lantern.

2011-10-16T21:29:00.000-07:00

So, we went to the "pumpkin patch" today with the kids.

An interesting experience in Las Vegas, mind you. Not only is afore-mentioned patch o'punkins located in a Wal-Mart parking lot, it is still unbearably hot outside, therefore turning what classically thought of as an apple cider-worthy heart-warming seasonal family adventure into a kinda gray, sad, hay-covered, sorta pathetic excuse for someone to make a shit ton of money off imported gourds.

So, after the 10 month old started to show early onset signs of heat stroke, we decided to halve what funds were available from Avery's savings account and buy our four pumpkins to bring home to carve.

We got everything set up outside, and began. We gutted our pretty lil punkins and then I ~~all~~ ~~by myself~~ helped Avery carve her pumpkin. Then I let her take a Sharpee to it. (Which is every 3-year-old's favorite thing to do) Then she got bored with all the magical family bonding time and ~~demanded~~ requested to watch Dora inside while Troy and I continued.

Please note, carving pumpkins and similar activities are probably, like, the most fun thing ever to do according to my husband and me. So, we plopped the baby on the ground and got serious. For a solid 45 minutes, Troy and I absolutely refused to acknowledge that we had children, so we let Ave veg out hard core on the couch while Landon literally played with dirt and ~~probably~~ possibly ate it, while I, at one point, while intently staring at my pumpkin, muttered, very seriously under my breath, "I'm having so much f*(@#ing fun right now."

'Cuz I was. It was amazing. Anyway, at some point, my subconscious convinced me to be a mom again and I had to give up the disturbingly strong desire to bang out an award winning Frankenstein ~~template I printed from the Internet~~ artistic rendering on my pumpkin. Anyway, Troy got to silently finish his supercool carving and I had to hack away at mine with whatever clusters of seconds I was allowed while tending to the kidlets.

So after like 3 hours (definitely exaggerating) Troy showed off his awesome, 3D, sharp-looking pumpkin while he sympathetically looked over mine as if to say "Yup. I'm waaaay better at carving pumpkins."

He even posted a picture of his handiwork on Facebook WITHOUT mine and Avery's (GASP!) surely to spare himself the embarrassment. What the...?

I mean, give me 8 hours uninterrupted carving time just like you had and I'll freak you out, Mr. Husbandpants. Serious.

Anyway, here is a picture of his:

Really cute right?

Anyway, here are our Jacked Up' O Lanterns :(

Liiiike, it's embarrassing.

Anyways, I haven't written a blog post in 9 months... woopsies!

pictures for your viewing pleasure.

2011-03-21T08:13:00.001-07:00

I am constantly snapping pictures on my iPhone.

Here are some of the rejects/weirdness as of late:

...adorable shot of my two children

Question: WTF is behind that pillow?

Answer: Ah, yes. Tiny little creepy baby feet. Disturbing. Thanks for that Avery.

That's a real baby in that toy bassinet. No... really. Mommy's arms got tired having a hour-long morning tea party with the two year old. What?

I may think the sweetest boy is ready for the Bumbo. The little boy answers that gesture with looking pissed and flipping me off.

(see that cute little middle finger?! naughty!)

K that's it.

It's a cloudy, rainy, WINDY day today and I'm gonna need a couple hours of hyping myself up to get the kids dressed and to Trader Joe's.

Happy Monday? Is it Monday? Who knows.

And that's why I hate the dentist.

2011-03-20T09:48:00.000-07:00

Both my kids are sick.

Avery has a respiratory infection and little Lan-man has a serious case of (who knows what) seasonal allergies (??).

So with a 2:30 dentist appointment on the horizon this past Thursday, I felt like I was counting down to a tropical vacation all day. Couldn't wait to detach from my whiney, snotty, miserable children (whom I love) (no seriously I do).

Finally, 2:15 rolled around, Troy got home from work, and I sprinted to my childless car. After the lingering Barney-induced ring in my ears subsided, all I could hear was, well, nothing. It took me a while to pinpoint the euphoric feeling as "relaxation". Felt soo good. I found myself wishing that my dentist was located in a different state (country) so I could just steep in the silence of my car for as long as possible.

Anyway.

I got to the dentist, sat in the lobby, read a parenting magazine, learned nothing about parenting, then was called to the back.

I sat in the chair and in walked the dentist.

Dentist: Hey! How have you been? What brings you in today?

Me: Well, I need a cleaning and I need a chip in my front tooth fixed. The bond from a previous chip needs to be re-bonded.

Dentist: oh yeah? How'd you do that?

Me: I'm not gonna lie, I think I chipped it on a beer bottle last weekend.

Dentist: Ha! Well, when did you chip it the first time?

Me: In high school. Maybe 16? 17?

Dentist: Oh yeah? How?

Me: Um. Well. On a beer bottle. I think? I could be wrong. (I wasn't wrong)

Dentist: Oh.

Then I started panicking because clearly he thought I was an alcoholic. For like, a long time. He was kinda weirded out and attempted to change the subject.

Dentist: So what else is new with you?

Me: ::shrug:: I just had a baby?

Then he left and called CPS.

Or the producer for "Moms Gone Wild"

Either way it was embarrassing.

But that wasn't even the worst part!

The cleaning.

This nice Mormon lady who, while jamming all sorts of tools into my face, repeatedly asked questions that required full-length answers. I had to challenge myself to answer each question with one word, preferably an "uh-huh", even if that meant I was completely lying.

For example.

(Keep in mind my mouth is packed with both her hands and floss or a pick or that little tiny mirror on a stick thing.)

Dental Assistant: Are you from here?

Me: Uh huh (not true)

Lady who talked too much: Do you plan on having more kids?

Me: Uh huh (not necessarily true)

Lady with Seven Kids: Who do your kids look like, you or your husband?

This is where I, again, started to panic. Because I knew I had to use a word at this point. AND she was using the air sucker thing so I was screwed.

But, I went for it.

Me: Husb-

And this is where my word was sucked right out of my throat by the saliva sucker tool.

I just gave up and that point and opted for awkward silence.

And that's when I couldn't wait to be home again with my sick, miserable, kids.

Couldn't get outta there fast enough.

Aaannndd that's why I hate the dentist. The End.

cougars and schooners and loading OH MY!

2011-03-14T21:23:00.000-07:00

Oh my godddd can you believe that I spent YET ANOTHER weekend binge drinking without my children!

I swearrrrr this is not a normal past few weekends for me... I usually tend to spend my end o' weeks happily covered in spit up and pee and Spaghetti-O's.

Anyway, I went to Newport Beach for threeee days on a ~~milfs'~~ girls' trip with my mother in-law, aunt-in-law, and their long-time friends. I like to call them the "Cougar Pack" and they are awesome. The weekend may or may not have included the following things:

* A three hour stretch that absolutely no one can remember on Friday night- thanks to these beauties right here:

(...they are called "schooners" and they will end you.)

* All of us getting "Spice Girl" nicknames. Ironically I ended up being "Old Spice" but the others ranged from "Racist Spice" to "Strap-on Spice" (don't ask)

* Each of us consuming hundreds of thousands of calories a day (nachos, pasta, ham and cheese croissants, CHEESEBURGERS FOR BREAKFAST?!!) that we elegantly referred to as "loading" rather than "pigging out" or "gorging" or "doing everything humanly possible to get as fat we could in 3 days".

(That's me. And that's some legit pasta right there. SERIOUSLY I gained 10 lbs, not eeevveeenn joking. On the upside- I just had a baby (three months ago) and I'm still in the clear to use it as an excuse... SCORE.)

Ughhh I had so much fun! Even considering I couldn't chime in on any of the sex talk for fear that my mom-in-law would puke/run away.

Sooo what I'm trying to say is I hope I get invited next time even though I made them all grab my boobs at a bar on Friday night.

And how did my husband do with the two kids all weekend, you ask?

Amazing.

On Friday he took them to the Mirage to see the dolphins, then the next day to the Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay. Then super deep cleaned the house and did laundry and even cleaned and put away the dishes last night?!!

Say What?! Whatta man!

In other news, Avery found Barack O'Baby (<-- read this, it's funny) again. Look at her face! Apparently we still have some work to do!

Have a great week! I will be working on unloading.

My daughter is a lesbian vampire

2011-03-05T21:25:00.000-08:00

Was MIA this week.

Literally needed 5 days to physically and emotionally recover from my twinsie's boyfiend's epic 40th birthday party ever in LA.

Party included the following:

1. I partook in legitimate girlcrush on one of the guests.

2. Was so enamored with afore-mentioned crush de party guest that I allowed and encouraged Troy to flirt with another girl. Like stood behind them giving Troy two thumbs up while winking my eye with my tongue hanging out in a "go-get-em-tiger" sorta way... side note: he swears she was flirting with him- I asked him if he happened to mention that he was married and he said, "no... nope. Didn't come up...?" haha!

3. Drank 35 Red Bull/vodkas (BECAUSE IT WAS PAST 10 AND THATS EFFING LATE FOR ME!) and fell down the stairs onto Troy who then lost his balance and tripped over someone's nightstand. Then Troy's wingman (that's me) took a 10 second nap sprawled out on top of her husband before getting up again because she deemed it an appropriate time to do so.

Anyway, back to reality. I should have been blogging all week because a lot of hilarity happened. Like, my two year old sexually assaulting me, for one. I was standing at my in-laws kitchen island (which is actually the size of an actual island- their house is gigantic) holding Avery to my side. She then starts rubbing and groping my boobs to which I say "Avery, don't do that! Quit it! It's creepy!" Avery then replies with, "I want to touch your boobies. I want to. I have to." soooo I say, "Stop it seriously you shouldnt do that!"

Avery then squints her eyes and says in a threatening whisper, "I'm gonna touch your pee pee too."

WTF!!! Of course in front of my in-laws. Of course of course of course. Goddddd so awful and embarrassing. Like, I'm happy she is talking so much but I didn't realize the potential creepiness that could spill out. I mean, I get it, she knows those things aren't to be touched and she put that together. I get it. She didn't mean to be a creeper. It's cool. Sorta (?!!?)

What else what else. Oh. My daughter also told me she wanted to "drink my veins" while running her finger along the top of my hands a couple days ago. She then proceeded to enjoy this a little too much yesterday:

But the good news is my 10-week old thinks my little lesbian vampire is hilarious. Observe pajama iPhone photoshoot:

Gahhh they are adorable! That's a pretty smiley 2 month old, no?!

Oh! And someone tried to steal our super nice brand new double stroller last night! Crazy. We were eating dinner at Yardhouse, finished gorging ourselves, then went to go claim our fancy shmancy stroller only to find that it had been apparently thrown over a cliff, ran over by a train, shot out of a cannon, and set in the same spot we left it. Cupholders missing, half a seat missing, filthy dirty, f*cking covered in glitter (?!). We (I) bitched out the manager who was mortified, and then we walked outside only to see some trashy lady pushing her trashy kids around in our brand spankin' new, clean, beautiful stroller. I ~~passive-agressively~~ politely asked for our stroller back and she pretended that she didn't notice and offered lots of oh-my-god-what-a-coincidence's. Whatever.

GRRRRR.

I love birth control.

2011-02-23T16:39:00.000-08:00

I began this morning optimistic about my first trip to the gynecologist with a 2-year-old and a 2 month old.

I thought, "I see kids in the waiting room all the time, and they seem to be well behaved, what's the worst that could happen?"

Ohhh Sofia. You and your optimism. You need to stay where you are most comfortable- in a dark cloud of negativity. Yeah, that's it.

I got the kids ready and in the car without a hitch- smooth sailing.

We get inside, Landon is sleeping, and Avery is ~~LOUDLY~~ sweetly saying adorable things like,

"Doctor is going to take Mama's temper-chirp (temperature)?"

and

"No shots for Avery. This Mama's doctor."

I think,"We can do this. We'll be in and out."

Then the receptionist informs me that "all the doctors are in delivery" and explains it's going to be a bit longer than I had anticipated.

I look at my well-behaved angels and agree to wait, it's going very well.

Another 2- maybe 3- year- old comes in and Avery immediately latches on to the poor little girl. She goes off into a corner with the ripped kids' books and 7-year-old issues of Highlights and I sit back and wait while feeling quite content in response to the behavior of my children.

I overhear a 30-something hot mess of a mom tell another equally terrifying mom how she likes to flick her son in the mouth when he talks back and how when she gives him a "spankin'" he laughs at her because he's such a brat. She goes on to explain how her husband had to give him THREE "spankins" until he agreed that it hurt. Because he's such a brat. (?!)

"No wonder her kid is a brat," I think, "his mom is an idiot."

Then I glance over at my "much better-raised" daughter. She is throwing a book on the ground telling the little girl to "get it". Over and over.

Awesome.

After a half hour or so of emptying the candy out of my purse and baby bag (at 9am) to get Avery away from further verbally abusing the little girl, we get called back.

All three of us go into the examining room which has the square footage of a Pop Tart. I, as instructed, undress from the waist down.

Doctor comes in, Landon starts screaming as a result of starvation, Avery starts to lose it due to boredom.

Doctor says, "You can hold the baby if you would like."

I thank her and agree to do so -- before I had realized that I'm going to have to walk across the room with no pants on and bend over to unbuckle and take him out of his car seat in front of the doctor. So, yeah, I did that and prayed to god no one was going to walk into the room while I bent over, bare-assed, while fiddling with the seat straps.

After the very disturbing couple minutes of soft porn I had just performed for the doctor, I lay down on the table and put my feet in the stirrups while I held Landon upright on my stomach. Avery then exclaims, "DRUMS!!!" and starts to pound on the biohazard trash can.

I nervously laugh and apologize and the doctor begins to insert my IUD (SO I DON'T GET PREGNANT ANYMORE) while I beg and plead with Avery to relax.

Then I hear a, "Mama's feet dirty! Yuck!"

and

"I have to go poo poo!"

and an extra loud, "I see Mama's pee pee!"

I cringe and apologize and pray to everything ever to make the minutes go by quicker than usual.

Thennnnnn I hear "I'm gonna lick your toe!" followed by, well, my toe being licked. (Extra awful because I couldn't see who was doing it-the doctor or Avery. Kidding.)

Anyway, we made it out alive and basically I have to change doctors now.

They sure are cute....

... but I'm cool on having anymore for a whiiiile.

I love you IUD. <3

I ignore my daughter

2011-02-22T08:44:00.000-08:00

We went out on Friday night again.

Like, to a club. Like, tons-uh vodka.

Got home at 2, and my mom left (didn't know that would happen), then I had to wake up at 3 to feed the baby, then both kids woke up at 530 because they are trying to destroy me.

As Troy was sleeping in, I notified him of the unfair situation at hand to which he replied,

"I got home at 2 am! Im so tired."

Liiiiikkkee I ddiiddnn'tttt?!!!!

Anyway, he's off the hook because he let me go to a kid-free husband-free happy hour on Sunday night and he woke up to feed this little guy at 1:30 last night. Love him.

GAHHHHH HE'S SO PERFFFFFF

So needless to say, I'm glad this month is almost over. ONE more party- (In LA on Saturday) and then we are back to ~~boring~~ normal.

Anywhoooo, what this post was really supposed to be about was ignoring my daughter (which, interestingly, is what I'm doing right now and every time I update this blog).

I mean, it's not intentional, and I hate it, but it is necessary at times ~~when I need to change my Facebook status~~ while Lan-man is in need.

Thankfully she is at an age when she can start to exercise her independence. I've started to document the things she does when ~~I'm on the phone~~ tending to my two-month-old.

She plays with cleaning products.

She scares the shit out of me by putting Landon-esque babies in his car seat so that I have a heart attack and think I've left him in a car seat all day.

She tells me "I have to pump" and attempts to express breast-milk from her belly button.

She dresses herself in snow boots, a beanie, and glow-in-the-dark

skeleton pajamas.

Side Note: It is hilarious to see a full-bodied skeleton of neon bones try to sneak in your bed in the middle of the night. If you have a nighttime bed-drifter, I highly suggest glow-in-the-dark pajamas.

Observe lonely emo photo sesh:

Poor thing.

I feel so bad. I know what it's like to feel left out, so I try my hardest to include her at all times, it's got to be so hard for a sensitive little girl's world to be turned upside-down by a new baby.

I'm working on it, it will get better with time hopefully.

Happy Tuesdayyyy

Starvation Documentation

2011-02-18T13:05:00.000-08:00

Fasting.

Sucks.

I started on Monday, lasted until the middle of yesterday, had some vegetable broth for lunch, then Chef Troyardee made corned beef and cabbage for dinner sooooo I ate some of it and felt like I swallowed an entire can of soup. Like, including can.

Pain.

Taking it easy today.

I thought I'd document the crazy things that fasting makes me do.

Evidence as follows:

I allow Avery to dress herself for Gymboree. Note: Tutu with skinny jeans.

I go to the grocery store and buy a completely inappropriate amount of potato chips (as a result of starvation-induced inability to make normal decisions).

Get my hair colored super blonde-ish and then take a Myspace-esque bathroom shot.

I have no energy to hold Sweet Baby Boy to feed him myself so I took the pillows off his swing and rig an Auto-Mom so I could sit on the couch and fantasize about food.

I allow Avery to eat lunch like this.

Fun Fun Fun. Going out tonight again! Can't wait.

I'm sure I'll have regretful stories about our belligerent night to share tomorrow.

Happy weekend!

Muhahahaha

2011-02-15T12:39:00.000-08:00

It's amazing to me what levels of fucked-upness I will stoop to with my two-year-old in order to get things done.

My iPhone is a life saver to distract Avery. She knows how to watch videos and play games and stream Barney on Netflix. Sure, she loves to get into my Words with Friends and forfeit my games because it makes me cry, but it's worth it.

Its the best thing ever ever ever. She especially loves interactive games, and especially loves Roby the Robot. Roby dances and repeats what you say in a creepy robotic voice and she loves him.

Roby really came through today when I discovered that you could type a message for him to repeat in afore-mentioned creepy robotic voice.

Perrrrrfect to trick an illiterate toddler into thinking the cool dancing robot is giving her orders instead of Mrs. Lame Boringmommypants (that's me).

Watch and Learn:

Muhahaha the power!

In other news, I am still fasting. Felt pretty good this morning, nearly chewed on my steering wheel driving home from Gymboree, and am kinda just existing right now.

Only 3 and a half more days... I can do it!

It's Valentine's Day and I cheated. Oops.

2011-02-14T22:12:00.000-08:00

Note to self: Don't allow newly potty trained two year old to wipe herself and then sit on your lap with no pants on- you WILL end up with skid marks on your leggings.

Ugghhh hate my liiifffeee.

Nah. Actually I don't.

Mr. Valentines-day-is-a-waste-of-time-and-money surprised me (Mrs. Get-me-stuff-or-I'll-assume-that-you-are-having-an-affair) with beauuuutiful roses this morning! And a VERY thoughtful card! Made me so happyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!

In other news, Valentine's Day is the worst...

possible day to start a fast.

Chocolates galore, people posting pictures on facebook of the gourmet meals they are eating, and my husband making parmesan crusted pork chops with roasted fingerling potatoes for what should have been "us"- torture.

I'm doing the "lemonade" cleanse, which I've done before, and the first couple days fricken suck. You know, the lemon juice + cayenne pepper + maple syrup + FML drink. I'm doing it until Friday. We'll see how that goes. I started this morning, so basically haven't had food in 24 hours.

I'm so hungry I could eat my baby right now. He's seriously sitting in his swing at this moment rocking back and forth, and looks like a glazed ham.

So, because I like to inflict pain on myself, I went to lunch with my husband, and our children, and his parents today. I watched while my family ate french fries and cheeseburgers and wraps and chicken fingers. I barely talked for fear that opening my mouth would result in me shoveling something (ANYTHING!) edible into my face.

And because my father-in-law eats slower than any human being on the planet, we ended up staying longer than I had anticipated, which meant Landon (the 2 month old) needed to eat, and Avery (the 2 year old) was up way past her nap time. I braced myself for the car ride home which would surely include all three of us melting down.

"Thank god," I thought, "for the cupcake."

My in-laws bought Avery a little cupcake for the ride home, which I thought might distract her from contributing to the shit show that was about to go down in my car. Unfortunately for Starvingpants (that's me) she didn't want anything to do with the delicious dessert (for which I would have sold my soul to eat).

Here's a quick peek into my car at a stoplight:

Note: What the hell kind of two year old screams "I CAAANN'TT!!!" while holding a cupcake? So strange.

Anyway, after I finished recording this, I reached out to my cupcake-traumatized toddler, who put the sinful treat in my hand.

And that was the moment when time and sound froze. I could hear no more screaming. I could feel no more immense children-induced stress.

The frosting had gotten on my finger.

I knew the only option I had was to lick it off. I considered other routes, like wiping it on the seat, or pulling over to get a wipe out of the diaper bag, but no. I had to eat it.

So I did.

I almost ate my finger along with it.

Whatever, I cheated. I didn't have a choice.

Happy Valentine's Day, lovers. Tomorrow should be easier-- stay tuned........

Ohhh Troy.

2011-02-12T22:42:00.000-08:00

So. We did it.

We went out.

Barely lasted until 12:30, drank enough liquor to offend David Hasselhoff, and hated our lives all day today.

Like, what happened? How old are we? I don't even remember how we got home. Well, I kinda remember- we took a taxi and I remember Troy chattin' up the cabby in the drunkest, grossest conversation.

Example:

What Troy Thinks He Sounds Like: "Hey man, how'd you get into the business? I'm having an excellent time getting to know you!"

What Troy Actually Sounds Like: "Heyyyyyy fs;oiaoigoiej ssssssluring mmmyy wordss"

Me: "zzzzzzzz"

(You know what I just realized? I don't at all understand why sleeping is represented by "z"s. No one actually says "zzzzz" while they sleep. It's really dumb. Like, how grape-flavored candy never actually taste like grapes, it just tastes like grape-flavored candy. Doesn't make sense.)

Anyway, yeah, we got wasted. It was gross and not cute and I hate myself. Shots? Really? After 9 months of complete sobriety, you really think something called a "breakfast shot" is a good idea? Times six? At one point, Troy disappeared and returned with a ear-to-ear smile and a free glass of whiskey that was given to him as a result of the whiskey tasting he had just been selected to do. Again-- really?

After what was supposed to be a full night of restful sleep away from the kids, but was actually just a couple hours of completely blacking out, Troy was supposed to meet a friend at 8 to go to an all-day rugby tournament and I needed to pick up our children.

I felt for him.

If he felt anything like I did, he was entirely socially retarded and any interaction with human beings would be extremely painful and awkward. We both stood up, begged one another to go downstairs and get water, laid back down and fell back asleep.

At around 10, we got back up, still pleading and begging and bargaining with each other to go downstairs and get water. This is when Troy informed me that I was missing an earring because he tried to be sexy and kiss my ear which resulted in him drunkenly biting the earring clear off my head and almost choking on it. (Awesome)

Somehow we made it to pick up my car, and I made it to my mom's (the much-better suited caretaker of our children for the previous night). I stayed with her all day, and, though shakey and nauseated, I played puzzles with our two year old even though I needed to lie down, and rubbed our newborn's back while he screamed with gas pains all while the sound of his cry jostled my brain.

"At least," I thought, "I'm not Troy right now, he must be having a really tough time out in the world right now."

Six hours later, and I drove my daughter and a screaming, hungry baby home while my head throbbed and rang and I think internally bled, all while thinking, "Gosh. Poor Troy. I hope he's doing okay. He hasn't even answered my texts, he must be really hurting."

As I turned into our driveway, I was relieved to see Troy's truck. I thought, "I bet he just got home. Poor thing."

Then I hauled my kids inside, where a freshly showered and completely rested Troy informs me that he had been sleeping all day and feels "soooooooooooo much better".

Again- I want fucking diamonds or Louboutins or something crazy for Valentine's Day.

Ohhh Troy. You're lucky I appreciate good blogging material....

A night (or three) off and the sexy dream girl

2011-02-11T08:21:00.000-08:00

MY MOM IS TAKING THE KIDS ALL NIGHT TONIGHT! HOORAY!

She is in town for two weeks and is taking the kids THIS Friday, NEXT Friday, AANNNDDD my mother-in-law is taking them overnight the Saturday after that so we can go to a party in LA! OMGGGGGGGGGGGG

My mom lives between Mexico, Idaho, and here throughout the year, and I'm pretty sure she feels guilty about living here but not "living" here while I am ~~losing my shit~~ taking care of two young children, so she offered to give us some time to feed our alcoholism.

Troy and I need a full night off. Let me re-phrase: I need a full night off. Usually we get a couple hours off (don't get me wrong- MUCH appreciated), then consume as much alcohol as humanly possible within said couple hours off, then I am not able to comfortably sleep off my drunkenness because I still have to tend to a newborn every 3-4 hours. Which sucks.

I can't tell you how exciting this is. I mean, the most thrilling thing I've done all week is pee in the guest bathroom. A night without constantly tending to people who aren't myself is just crazy talk. I'm into it. I like it.

On another note, Valentine's Day is coming up. I'm not sure how I feel about this "holiday". My intellectual side (7% of Sofia) tells me, "Stupid. It's just another day where florists and Hallmark make a shit ton of money off of dumb people."

My sensitive, insecure, girl side (93% of Sofia) tells me, "Ok. Here's the deal. If Troy doesn't get you anything ~~again~~ he is clearly having an affair or hates you or both. Seriously, no chocolates = cry about it"

And as I'm getting older my intellectual side in terms of this issue is winning over. I mean, Troy does a bajillion wonderful things for me and our children. Why would him not getting me flowers indicate that he doesn't care about me? How ridiculous. Doing everything he can to provide a comfortable life of us while working extra hard so I don't have to have a job is definitely the most generous thing anyone has ever done for me. And we get along 99% of the time, and I know that takes a lot of love from him because I'm really annoying a lot. So, that's that.

I was feeling really confident in my newfound maturity of letting Valentine's Day "go" until Landon's 3:00 am feeding last night. Here's what happened:

Troy talking in his sleep: "Hey beautiful. Put that down and come over here."

Ok. Now, I am not upset that he was dreaming about another person. It really doesn't bother me- it's not like I've never dreamt about other guys before. I have. Jake Gyllenhaal mostly but who's counting. And plus, you can't really control what you dream about soooo how could I hold that against him?

The thing that pissed me off was that I knew he wasn't dreaming about me because he addressed sexy dream girl with "Hey beautiful".

Soooo now I really want flowers. Something with a diamond in it wouldn't hurt either. Just sayin'.

Have a great weekend!

hot messiness + me = always

2011-02-10T15:17:00.000-08:00

I'm certain if Hell exists, my own personal Hell will include me being banished to fitting comforters inside of duvet covers and folding fitted sheets for all of eternity. There is no goddamn way to fold a goddamn fitted sheet.

Sooooo, seven weeks postpartum and I still have 15 lbs left to lose. I hate HATE feeling frumpy. And I adore being a mother, but I don't want to look like a "mom". I don't even want to be a cougar, or puma, or lion, or tiger, or bear ~~oh my!~~, I just want to be a smokin' hot 25 year old with bangles and a pedicure and high heels who- surprise!- has kids.

And, for the record, I can't even wear high heels anymore without walking like a newborn baby giraffe.

I'm not sure if I should blame Vegas, my age, or my vanity, but I REALLY miss feeling "done". Like, hair done, nails done, eyebrows done, toenails done, boobs freshly "done" before they took a Thelma and Louise-esque jump off a cliff. Unfortunately all of that wonderfulness costs money and takes time. Both of which are better suited for more important things. Like holding babies who don't like to be put down and making pretend roast beef sandwiches with pretend pretzels on them one... million... times... a... day.

Gay.

And not the good kind of "gay" that wants to go to a drag show with you either. (Love drag shows- Husband-man went with me once after hours of begging and vowed never to go back due to the doorless bathroom entry. Sad.)

So. to partially remedy this situation, I've calculated that the thinner I am, the more likely I am that people will be able to overlook my hot messiness. Like, "ew, she has spit-up on her sh-- Look at her ass! hot."And if you've read some previous posts, I've been on and off the BOD diet, and have recently started going to the gym again.

I love going to the gym. The only difference between working out pre- and post- babies is what "pumps me up". I used to listen to Britney Spears, now I watch Ina Garten slather chocolate icing upon a 40 lb chocolate cake.

Evidence:

(I freaking love you, Ina!!)

And just to clarify, I am not saying I dislike being a mom- it's the best thing ever and I loooove my little monkies and all that comes with caring for them-- I am just grieving the loss of the time I once had to groom my ego. I love you narcissism. I miss you. Kisses.

Have a good Thurrrrrsday! Starting the "lemonade diet" next week with my mom. Hopefully blogging through it will help me stick to it!

Things I've learned about motherhood...

2011-02-09T08:47:00.000-08:00

Soooooooo, mothering is kinda a "learn as you go" type of lifestyle.

These are some of the things I have learned in different areas of parenthood via picture interpretation:

1. Potty Training

Potty training is way more bearable when the whole family gets involved. Even the littlest ones. Avery calls on everyone to watch her poop and pee- including both dogs, Troy, the baby, and me. If you come over, chances are you're going to have to watch her too. Sorry.

2. Laundry

I've learned that getting the two-year-old excited to help me with things is waaaay more do-able than trying to restrain her to TV or activity while I scramble to complete the task at hand. Granted, a LOT more patience is necessary- it takes four times as long to empty the dryer, but it gets done (I mean- what else would I be doing anyway...).

And plus, she is hilarious. I mean, who demands an oven mitt to unload Daddy's "hot panties"?! Awesome.

3. Head Injuries

Happen. All. The. Time.

4. Picky Eating in Toddlers

Two-year-olds apparently eat like birds for 3 days and then binge on spaghetti. (Kinda like Mommy-

PS. I have looked exactly like this- like, recently)

5. Alcohol and Motherhood

.... is a necessary combination. Love when the cork has a message after a loooong day of being unappreciated. Good LORD you learn to be thankful for your own mommy after you have your own children. Unfortunately, I realize that this indescribable appreciation will only be paid back to me when my own kids have kids- it's cool though. Wine and vodka and beer will tide me over until then.

Happy Tuesday, yo. Tell your mom you love her today. No. Seriously.

awkward beer family photos dot com

2011-02-01T06:36:00.000-08:00

I can legitimately not get a good picture of my children together.

Let's take a look at the evidence, shall we?

aaaaand 4. (my personal favorite)

We're working on it.

In other news, ummm nothing.

I think I'm going to start to dedicate a day to Averyisms, because that kid says some funny ish. Some of it I'm not so sure I want to share on here- she is a sponge and repeats everything we say- good and bad. A couple months ago, she walked out into the garage at nighttime on our way out of the house, and said, "SHIT, it's dark!"

Not my proudest moment as a parent, but secretly one of my favorites... no worries, Mom, she hasn't repeated the "s" word since...

Also, I can never tell if Christina Aguilera is fat or not. It's really been bugging me lately. Does anyone have a verdict on this?

BYE!

failed anorexia, relaxation, and a dirty joke

2011-01-30T14:18:00.000-08:00

First, I know I have to change my page header... I know. I'm all over it ~~next week.~~

So, not only did I eff up the BOD diet (see previous post) on account of my super duper husband's ridiculous steak chili with crazy good cornbread (from scratch- sexy.), but to make myself more disgusting, I realized, that at the end of my steamy caloric love affair, I had been dripping afore-mentioned chili upon my helpless 6 week old's bald head while I was gorging myself. He was laying on my lap as I was annihilating my first run-in with food in over 24 hours and the little guy didn't even flinch as the probably really hot amazingness pooled upon his perfect little forehead. He took one for the team, that baby-man. Love him.

PS. Hate myself- I was thisclose to scooping the stew up with my bare hands and rubbing it all over my ~~naked~~ body. Like, eating it wasn't enough, I wanted to be "one" with the chili.

Anyway.

We all got a substantial break from Avery on Friday (thank you mother-in-law), much needed from both parties. I swear it's unhealthy to be around a two year old 24 hours a day for weeks at a time. And if you think that statement suggests a bad parent, you clearly have never been through "the twos" as a mom or dad. "The terrible twos" are legit.

Regardless, the house goes into ultimate relaxation mode when our energetic little princess is gone.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B (15 minutes later)

What else happened. Oh, today we went to Costco where we stocked up on groceries for the week while sampling the finest mini egg rolls and dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets and heaping spoonfuls of Activia. Didnt think our experience could get any better until the grocery bagger lady warned me that my "meat box" (the box packed with all the chicken and pork and beef we will need for ~~this week~~ a year) was far too heavy for me to carry, and I would need my husbands help.

This fueled an entire car ride full of filthy jokes having to do with my "meat box"- my last input being so disgusting that it was no longer funny anymore.

BOD DIET UPDATE: Oh, I ate a hot dog today. It was unbelievableeeee. Otherwise, I've been soooo good on my diet that everyone hates ~~except my husband~~. Even passed ~~out~~ up Troy's caramelized brown sugar and banana pancakes this morning. All I had to eat yesterday was some vodka (I decided I needed alcohol to forget how hungry I was...) Go me.

I hope you and all your meat boxes had a great weekend!

I'm dizzy.

2011-01-28T14:44:00.000-08:00

Ok. I'm not even going to address how long it's been since I've updated this blog. Well- I guess I just did. Ok, but that was it. Yeah. Moving on...

Soooooooo I had a baby! Ill share the funny story about how I shot the baby at the doctor another time. His name is Landon, he's six weeks old, and he is a perfect, darling, adorable, sweet baby boy. He's amazing and I'm obsessed with him.

It's not uncommon to find me twirling him around making up songs about how he is made of bubbles and rainbows and duckies and fluffy pillows. Or how he fell from a marshmallow cloud that garnished God's delicious hot chocolate. Or something like that. He can do no wrong. I tell him he never cries as he's crying. I tell him he never poops as he's pooping. My husband thinks I'm crazy but what else is new. Oh, you want a picture of the valiant Prince Lan-man? My pleasure.

Then there was the two year old.

Well- the 26 month old. Who I potty trained, thank you very much, whilst caring for a newborn. But that's besides the point... (if you want to tell me how awesome I am, I'm not gonna protest)

Avery loves her baby brother (or as she says, her "baby butter") but hasn't taken too kindly to not reigning over my husband and me with the same power that she possessed in the olden days. She has been ~~soooooooooooooooo effffiinnngggg~~ a bit defiant and THE WHINING!!!! The sharp tone her voice takes as she complains about how the sippy cup I selected is the wrong sippy cup makes me want to punch myself in the face. It's cool though. It's just a phase (someone tell me it's a phase or I'm packing Landon in a suitcase and we're headed to Mexico- no...it's cool- my totally un-Mexican mom lives there with her totally un-Mexican husband- no seriously... )

Anyway, so that's happening. What else? Oh. I hate HATE having 20 15 10 pounds left to lose. It sucks. Soooo my twin sister and I (who gained a few while being sidetracked by the most intense art school in LA) have made up a diet. We shared our experiences and successful weight loss tricks in the past and came up with the BOD diet. Not "bod" like "hey check out my 'bod'", but BOD as in Brink Of Death diet. It's actually a really easy concept. You just don't eat. So basically, if we make it, we're gonna look fabulous. I think it's really gonna catch on. But in the mean time, we might die. Here's what our conversations look like lately:

Worried about my health? Don't be! My husband is totally supportive. And Avery's not worried about it either. Note a conversation I had with her yesterday:

Avery: "HAHA! Your tummy is making sounds mama!"

Sofia: "Yeah, because I'm starving"

Avery: "I wanna wear a pumpkin shirt"

1. This conversation really happened. 2. See! She could not be less worried! 3. I'm dizzy

To be continued...

Have a great weekend enjoying your breakfasts, lunches, and dinners.

The guilty baker

2010-09-21T22:05:00.000-07:00

What a strange feeling.

I'm all alone in my house.... overnight... aaaand it's ~~terrifying~~ awesome.

My angelmotherdarlingpants offered to watch my 22-month old overnight, so I jumped on it.

"Where is your husband...," you ask?

Well! My caring, doting, dedicated husband up and left his seven-months pregnant ~~complete basketcase~~ emotional wife and acted on a ~~totally unnecessary~~ one-in-a-lifetime trip to Europe with his brothers. Yeah yeah yeah, chill out Sofia, it's not like he went to a week-long drinking party while you are sitting pregnant at home!

Oh wait. Yes. Yes he did. He went to Oktoberfest.

Uuuggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Seriously hope he's having fun because I love him and I like it when he's happy. Truly. I mean it, I get it. And I trust him, he's a good man- he works hard and he deserves it. Plus, he knows if he does anything stupid I'll cut off his schnitzel.

Regardless, my eye kinda twitches and I look like a crazy person when I sit and think about him drinking beer with hundreds of unpregnant people while I sit here and admire the early stages of my impending 'bingo arms' as my pregnancy progresses.

Sooooo... I am watching "The Biggest Loser" because it makes me feel good about myself. And rest assured my husband is going to buy me a killer pair of das boots when he gets home. Serious.

Now look at pictures of my family.

1. my husband, the guilty baker.

My husband started to feel bad about leaving and did the following things to say "I'm sorry" without saying "I'm sorry": went grocery shopping, vacuumed, changed a #2 diaper (it's been a LONG time), loaded and unloaded the dishwasher (this is a huge one), cooked dinner AANNNDD cleaned up the mess (even cleaned the stovetop...), and did his own laundry. I even snapped a picture of the peculiar behavior because I knew no one would believe me- here he is caught in the act of baking cookies (!!) .

2. my child, the weirdo

Generally, young children demand to take a doll, blanket, or even toothbrush with them when they leave the house. My daughter insisted on a freaking pink bike/bus as we left the house. Interesting.

3. my child, the weirdo part 2

And she also insists on wearing snow gloves in the house. Strange even without the knowledge that the weather here is still in the near hundreds.

4. 27 Weeeeeeks!

Took this today. Some websites say I'm in my third trimester now.

Fact: Second pregnancies go by waaaaaaay faster than firsts. Insanity.

Don't be mad because I haven't blogged in a month. I'm not a machine!

pregnant people are supposed to like pickles

2010-08-30T15:37:00.000-07:00

We went to the OC fair/swap meet awesomeness while we were visiting California this past weekend.

I had never been before and was amazed by the thousands of trinkets and gadgets and clothes and dog leashes and kitchen utensils. Avery got a gigantic ice cream cone, a lemonade with too much sugar, and some kettle corn; I got nothing; and my husband, who is not a fan of spending money on "unnecessary" things ("unnecessary" in quotations because you never know when your dog might need a khaki baseball cap), bypassed all of the nifty fishing lures and designer impostor colognes and walked out with exactly what he wanted and nothing more.

We spent a couple hours sifting through all of the "As seen on TV" type paraphernalia, made fun of weird people, then we hauled our purchases back to our car and I snapped a picture. What did my picky husband walk out with, you ask?

Picky husband picked a pair of pickled pickles.

That's right, out of the the uncountable number of possible items we could have brought home and thrown out 6 months later, we walked out with two pickles.

They were pretty good though, I have to admit, and I'm not just saying that because pregnant people are supposed to like pickles, they really were delish.

Oh, and Ave brought home a couple kernels of kettle corn. I mean, she didn't know they were stuck to her butt, but they made it to the parking lot regardless.

I love my family. They are funny even when they aren't trying to be.

Weekend Photossszzz

2010-08-23T09:04:00.000-07:00

Troy: "You wanna go find a new bed for Avery?"

Sofia: "Yeah, thats a good idea, we're going to need to put the crib back together for the new baby and move it into his room."

A couple hours later, we are the proud new owners of the biggest most awesome couch ever.

We bought a couch about a year and a half ago. We also had four dogs at that time. It was literally destroyed the first time we left the house, our youngest dog chewed a hole in the side of it within 2 hours. It was awesome.

Needless to say, we now have two dogs and our couch looks like this when we aren't sitting on it.

(Aerial view)

Yup. Those are three sheets, and aluminum foil covering our new beautiful couch. Notice disgruntled boston terrier sleeping on HIS BED (!!!) in the corner.

We've had some good times on the couch already. Troy took a three hour nap on it yesterday before his soccer game, and Nakie Avery got pissed because she couldn't watch Yo Gabba Gabba on the laptop while Daddy was chillaxing:

And I've discovered I love absolutely everything about my iPhone 4, except that it makes Avery look like she's wearing lipstick. Ironically I took this picture, because I put CLEAR lipgloss on her, but iPhone had fancier intentions.

I also learned that Avery is not quite ready to walk around the house and successfully feed herself chocolate pudding.

Oh, and you want a picture of big mama at 22 weeks? I posted this on my facebook, but I'll put it on here too...

I didn't think I gained that much weight, until last night when my husband woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me he couldn't sleep because I was snoring so loud and could I please turn on my side.

This is a trademark problem of a fat person.

I wish I could write more, but Avery is destroying every part of the house right now. BYE

Don't be my friend, I'm weird.

2010-08-17T17:02:00.000-07:00

With a little help from a conversation with my Dad, I have realized that being a stay-at-home mom has made me entirely socially awkward. Like, complete with social anxiety and stuttering and painful shyness all while being completely devoid of conversational strategy.

I was at Gymboree (the play gym, not the store) and a young mom (like me) came up to talk to me. I've seen her before here, but have never talked to her. Gymboree; my brilliant idea for meeting loads of young moms to hang out with. Yeah.

Friendly Normal Mom: "Hey! How's your pregnancy going?"

I say: "Good."

I think: "Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

What do I say now? I should ask a question.

I. have. nothing. to. say.

Blankness.

Bye bye new friend opportunity."

Then, I make a face to the normal human being in front of me that says, "I'm sorry" without me saying it out loud, and walk to the opposite side of the play gym, absolutely mortified.

This seems to be happening a lot lately. Sure, it could have something to do with the notion that I've gotten 3 hours of sleep in the last month (thank you 2 year molars that haven't even broken skin yet) but I can't figure out how to engage strangers, or even friends I've had for YEARS in interesting, easy-going conversation. I have entirely forgotten how to relate to anyone who doesn't crap her diaper or have a tantrum in Albertson's. And, shit, let's be honest, I can't relate to her in conversation anymore than I could successfully chat up a toaster.

Have any other stay at home moms gone through this?!

i'm scared.

2010-08-13T07:59:00.000-07:00

20 weeks 4 days pregnant today.

Yeah, I wear tye dye to the gym... what are you going to do about it?!

So. That means I'm more than half way through my pregnancy. Which means I'm less than 5 months away from having another kid. 19 1/2 weeks away to be exact.

I am beyond stoked to go through the baby phase again. Truly. Can't wait for baby kisses and toothless smiles and fat baby rolls.

But, so many worries keep streaming through my head. What if this baby has colic til he's 13? What if he's allergic to oxygen? What if he's allergic to me? What if he has 7 rows of teeth like a shark and doesn't stop teething until he graduates from college? What if the kid hates me? What if he doesn't look like Troy at all and everyone thinks I had an affair? What if Avery hates the baby? What if I get so overwhelmed with a toddler and a newborn that I jump out the window and break my legs and then can't care for either of them? What if Avery drags him through the doggie door and he gets stuck?

(reinactment of last example of stress-induced negativity)

(Calm down, that's not a real baby)

Everything will be fine. I can do this. Can I? I'm scared.

At least we're making progress with pacifier weaning.

Nevermind.

Have a great weekend!

Leave me a comment about how easy it is to have a newborn and a toddler. Please? Lie to me.

Kthanx.

Taco Pie Crapola

2010-08-09T08:08:00.000-07:00

When I was growing up, my mom used to make a killer Mexican chili and referred to it as "taco pie crapola". I never understood why anyone would want to associate something so delicious with something so repulsive, but that's just how it was, so that's what we called it.

We had some friends over on Wednesday ~~to watch Big Brother~~ to have dinner, so I decided to make afore-mentioned chili. So off to the grocery store baby girl and I went to gather the ingredients.

I used to love going to the store with Avery. It was my relaxation time. Time to get my bored child out of the house, not to mention she would behave so well in response to the pretty lights and overwhelmingness of the rows of food. People would comment on my adorable tot and I would stroll slowly and comfortably through the aisles, in an attempt to prolong my grocery vacation.

Unfortunately, like all other unenjoyable eras o' Avery, they end without warning. Now, the store scares me. Before we head out, I have to mentally brace myself for the possibility, and frankly, definite likelihood of multiple tantrums in response to shopping cart buckle confinement. I have to prepare to accept that she will demand a CARt, not like she sits in it, but, rather, will noisily bounce in and out while snatching bananas and cookies and english muffins, while I ram the ginormous germ-mobile into displays of soup. I know that she will want 400 plastic produce bags and she will want them over her head. There will be a lot of stress and embarrassment and a lot of me crying in my car after the last of my strength has been depleted by trying to force a kid who is stronger than me to sit in a car seat when she wants to sit in the driver's seat and pretend to drive home. Then she will yell for daddy when strap her in (hate that part the most).

I digress. This particular time at the store, I pumped myself up for the trip, and even convinced myself that my positive attitude would result in a positive experience. So I got there, chased Avery through the aisles, fought (and lost) Avery for possession of an onion, and finally, FINALLY, dragged her to the checkout. I decided it was necessary for Avery to sit in the cart at this point because I needed her to be still while I fumbled through my purse to try to find the debit card I can never find to pay for groceries. And, to my surprise, she was completely still and limp as I picked her up. I grabbed her from underneath to sit her down in the cart, and realized her butt was soaked. This is the point when panic began to set in. "Not possible," I thought as I reminisced about how I had JUST changed her diaper before the outing.

This is the moment, I'm sure, when my face drained of color and my eyes bulged, and I decided to wave my dampened hand in front of my nose just in case, "worse case scenario" had actually just happened.

Yup. Diarrhea.

Everywhere. All over me. All over Avery. All over shopping cart.

I forced myself into actress mode, smiled at the check out, asked a question about a discontinued product and calmly paid for my groceries with my good hand, while I hid my poo-covered hand behind my back, and casually got the eff out of there.

"Don't look back, don't look up, keep moving," I said to myself over and over as I wheeled my crap-soaked self and child to my car.

I opened the truck of my car and a very kind, oblivious worker spotted the pregnant hot mess with a toddler unloading her groceries and probably thought to himself, "gee golly, she looks like she could use some help." Which, on any other day, would have been lovely, but, today, I happened to be covered in shit. The terror on my face when he came to help must have forced him to assume I was hiding a dead body in my car, if the smell already hadn't. I wide-eyed and silently pointed to the heaviest object for him to heave into the back, in an attempt to keep him busy the longest while I picked up Avery in the most awkward way a baby has ever been picked up, and walked backwards to her car seat, which also looked bizarre. Poor guy must have thought I was nuts.

Freaked out grocery boy left, we booked it home, I cleaned off the kid and myself, and made the chili, in the process giving "taco pie crapola" a whole new meaning.

It will just never be the same.

Anyway, I better include a picture in case I haven't lost you all already.

Here is how pacifier weaning is going:

ugh.

evil song wizard

2010-08-03T07:27:00.000-07:00

hello?

where am i?

sooooo... I'm kiiinda embarrassed about my month-long blog hiatus. Ehh, not really because I'm tired and just about 5 months pregnant and have NO TIME. Pretty stellar excuses if you ask me.

I am truly amazed by the lady bloggy mom who has time to blog regularly and zone out the toddler who is whining and demanding toys and juice and num-nums all while tugging on mommy's clothes. I mean, either you're an amazing multi-tasker, or you need to pay attention to your kid(s) because he's probably choking on a penny right now. Just sayin'.

Boy oh boy, isn't it impossible to be a good mom when you're tired and emotionally exhausted? After I VERY unwillingly woke up before 6am today for the 500th time in a row today (that number is about right), I said outloud, "I JUST WANT TO DO WHAT I WANT TO DO! RRRRRR!" to which Troy called from his office, "you sound like a man when you growl like that, aaaaand it's gross," which made me madder, of course.

Sometimes I feel like a great mom to Avery, sometimes I doubt myself, and every once in a while, every part of my being wants to be left alone. Like, by everyone. I want to just go somewhere and turn my mind and body off.

On a side note, Avery just spilled an entire cup of milk on the chair and floor while "Don't bite your friends" is blaring on Yo Gabba Gabba in the background, which might be the most annoying song ever invented. I'm positive the person who wrote that song is an evil wizard who concocted the song in such a way to tangle itself in your brain so you'll have the song stuck in your head for weeks at a time. Asshole.

This is a potential "every once in a while" kinda day, I can already feel it.

Buut, I don't really have the luxury of giving up right now, because it is completely counter-productive and will only cause more difficulty. I've decided that being a good, or at least a functioning, mom is forcing myself to be as selfless as possible, which is really hard when dealing with an almost-two-year-old who know nothing other than total selfishness.

So, what I'm trying to say is don't... don't... don't bite your friends. Dammit. No, that's not what I'm trying to say. What I'm TRYING to say, is being a mom to a toddler is SO HARD especially when my hormones are tending to make me feel a lot selfish lately.

Avery is having a tantrum on the floor right now. I gotta go. Avery is screaming for her dad, who is at work, because lately, I have represented "evil" and has has represented "good" to our daughter as of late. She's probably right.

Keep it together, self.

deep breath.

big news + bloggy lameness

2010-07-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

Can I just say I am the luckiest human being on the planet in the whole universe?

First of all, look at this little nugget:

Do you know what that is? Do you have any idea?

That little thing, which is helping me to produce a spectacular Beer belly (get it?), is a baby

BOY!

Yup. We did it. We're gonna birth ourselves a lil boyface. So this time, when our Mexican landscape maintenance guy asks me if I am having a "girl or a mang (man)?" I can confidently tell him we are "having a man" which is awkward, buuuttt awesome.

Anyway, I know I've been MIA but we've also been out of town and sick (AGAIN) so between peeing 400 times a day (thanks to the man in my uterus) and coughing up handfuls of bloody green mucous (hott), blogging has been the last thing on my mind.

On a brighter note, Avery and I are going to spend an entire week in Idaho with my mom next week. Which means, lots of farmer's markets, baking, eating, blogging, LOTS of scrabble, and tons of napping. It's my favorite week of the year for sure, though I will miss my handsome hub.

Happy Friday, I promise to take care of my bloggy lameness in the near future.

I'm olldddddd

2010-06-29T08:14:00.000-07:00

I'm 25 now!!

Let me rephrase.

I'm 25 now.

I feel old. It's so bizarre how I'm definitely an adult now, like, there's no argument I could make against it. Regardless of whether or not I eat Lucky Charms or like to watch Disney movies or can't sleep the night before Christmas because I'm so excited, I am almost 30 which means I am almost 40 which means I am almost 75.

Speaking of trying to reverse the aging process, I started reading Twilight. I am half-way finished with the first book... annnd here's my half-book review: The writing is mediocre at best, but for some goddamn reason I cannot put the goddamn book down. Maybe it's because I like to pretend a super-hot super-strong super-dangerous man is obsessed with me while Troy is passed out asleep beside me completely unaware of my shameless fantasizing. Little do I know, he is most likely dreaming about a super-hot super-unpregnant super-amazing woman who never complains and likes our dogs.

Oh, and my 19-month old is suddenly a teenager as well. She calls Troy by name now. As we were leaving the house on Sunday, Troy was lagging behind and Avery looked over her shoulder and calls, "C'mon Troy!" Wtf? Additionally, I was hugging her yesterday and she pushed me off and says, "Go away, Mama." Just like that. I just stood there and could say nothing more than "ohhh kay?" Aaaand she started to call me, "Mom". And she got her driver's license and an "A" in Chemistry. WTF.

My birthday was very nice, thankyouverymuch, and Troy got me my new iPhone which is what I wanted. So go, husband, go. Such an Edward-like thing of him to do, to surprise me like that.

We will be gone a lot of July. Because we're fancy. Sorry.

Have a great month people!

Oh no, poo poo!

2010-06-21T21:58:00.000-07:00

Where have I been?

Not inspired to write any blogs, that's where.

Just feel like I have nothing to say and writing just because I feel like I have to is as uncomfortable for you to read as it is for me to write. So here we are. Hi? Hello.

If this were a phone conversation, this is the part where I say, "So what's new with you?"

And then you say, "Not much."

And then I start to panic and pretend my Yiayia is calling and I get off the phone.

Let's view some pictures, shall we?

Troy and Avery on Father's Day at lunch where I borderline made love to the most amazing BBQ chicken salad on the planet. No ranch, extra balsamic vinaigrette, extra extra gawking from onlookers as I grunted (like a pig) in pregnant, food-obsessed, ecstasy while inhaling my lunch.

Both munchkins are going in for some serious Daddy's Day kisses in this picture. He is such SUCH a good Dad. Like better than I EVER would have imagined and I always knew he'd be a great father. I feel lucky to be able to watch their constant lovefest. They're cute.

Also on Father's Day, in the movie theater before the previews for Toy Story 3 began.

She did AMAZING for a 19-month old who skipped her nap. She sat on my father-in-law's lap for the movie and all was well until there was a lull in the movie noise and Avery farted and then loudly exclaimed, "oh no, poo poo!" She's charming.

My darling daughter sitting up on one of our barstools.

I felt this picture was symbolic of how difficult it is to get a good picture of my toddler. The window of Avery looking ~~presentable~~ perfect is so small. If she hasn't pulled her pigtails out, there's pudding on her shirt. If she still happens to have an entire outfit on, she certainly will not be smiling. In this particular picture, she has pulled her pigtails out, there is pudding on her shirt, pants are gone, and, well, look at her face.

Voila. This is what Avery looks like 90% of the time. Adorable?

Avery's sexytime bath photo shoot.

I thought it was cute when Avery was pouring water on herself and then realized when I looked at the pictures it was thisclose to being inappropriate.

After that was over, she managed to withdraw the cuteness from bathtime once again when she looked at me, furrowed her eyebrows, and promptly pooped in the bathtub. I screamed for Troy and he came to the rescue, thankfully. It is all a blur in my mind except for Troy yelling, "It's a floater! It's a floater!!" while both of us took turns gagging.

Poor Avery was so scared by the whole thing, she just stood on the bathroom floor naked, shivering, with her teeth chattering wondering why Mommy and Daddy were yelling and screaming and gagging.

Oh the joys of parenthood!

Soooo. Wednesday is my 25th birthday so don't forget to get me something.

I might be crazy.

2010-06-19T15:34:00.000-07:00

104 followers?! I could totally start a legitimate cult!

So. My mood swings are out. of. control.

I do NOT remember going through euphoric highs and I'm-gonna-shoot-everyone lows with my first pregnancy. I feel bad for everyone around me. Especially my husband because I really don't think he REALLY thinks that hormones have anything to do with my pregnancy insanity. I think he is certain he is destined to a life of wifey wacko-ness. Like, "This is it. She's nuts. I'm screwed."

I'm trying to tone it down and only go in public while I'm experiencing my manic episodes, but sometimes it just can't be avoided. And I act weird when I'm overly happy anyway. Soooooooo, Happy Father's Day, Troy? Have fun with the complete nut job that is one third of your family.

Felt really good today, however, and Avery totally wetting her pants to the point of annihilating her romper didn't faze me. Just strolled her right on into the bathroom and walked her out with only a diaper on. That's not true, she had a Dora sticker on her knee and one on her foot, but for the most part, she was letting it all hang out. Onlookers pointed and laughed at the absurdity of a completely unclothed toddler in a store while I really was totally unfazed by it. Truly. I even walked "out" the "in" door which normally would force me to utter at least one curse word under my breath, but I just kept smiling and slowly walked with my naked baby to my car as soccer moms in SUVs screeched in the parking as to not miss a sight of young stupid mother with her lil redneck baby. Because it makes them feel better about themselves.

If this had happened on the other side of my mood swing spectrum, the Target where this scene went down would either have been burned to the ground by now (caused by me) or someone, somewhere would be walking around with a black eye and/or broken face (also caused by me).

Just kinda interesting how one person could react to the same thing so differently.

I might be crazy.

Happy Flag Day?

2010-06-14T13:53:00.000-07:00

99 followers! Who do I think I am? Jesus?

Soooo....

I'm getting plump!

Notice Avery slamming the remote control into my leg so I'll turn on something she likes watching. Silly girl. Daddy's out of town so we're watching the news. Troy doesn't like watching the news. He likes to watch shows about how canoes or watches or microwaves are made. It's pure torture after a long day of Dora. I mean it.

So, some of my more snug jeans sadly do not button comfortably anymore, so I bought a BellaBand. Why the shit didn't I buy one of these when I was pregnant with Avery? Oh. I know. Because last time I completely grew out of my pants before I could finish peeing on the pregnancy test stick.

Anyway, back off maternity jeans, there's a new sheriff in town... (can't bend down, sit down, or walk up stairs without my pants falling to my ankles, but still!)

Who watched the True Blood season premiere last night?!

HOLY MANLY MANFEST MUSCULAR MANMEAT MADNESS.

If you haven't seen this show, do yourself a favor and watch it. Especially if you're a housewife with no social life sitting in your pajamas who has ever fantasized about anything that includes the teensiest bit of raciness and sexiness and sinfulness. You deserve the eye candy. The show is, like, dripping with naughtiness. It's awesome.

If Eric gets any hotter I'm going to lose it. I mean. Wow. Bill and Sam? H-H-H-HOT.

I just died.

I'm back.

My twin sister is coming in town! I'm so excited! We like to get together and talk about Zac Efron and play scrabble and pretend like food doesn't have calories. It's like the best time ever. Might have to rent 17 Again... again.

Have a beautiful week, beauties. Happy Monday. Is it Monday? Happy Flag Day. I know it's Flag Day.

My husband is gone.

2010-06-12T15:38:00.000-07:00

Not like, forever. Just for 5 days to go on his gaycation with his boyfriend.

I've been celebrating by taking naps with Avery, leaving dishes in the sink for longer than an hour, watching tons of Keith Olbermann and Rachael Maddow, and sleeping diagonally in my bed.

This is what Avery has been doing:

shoplifting candy

hanging out with old lady beads, crazy homeless hair, without pants, while eating bananas in a little chair next to a big purple ball

(it's her favorite thing to do)

writing messages to Daddy on her new chalkboard

(I had nothing to do with this.)

having tea parties with her friends

reading groundbreaking news articles in her local newspaper

(PS. seriously?)

conducting studies to see if those articles are true

(her timing was impeccable. Grammy and Mommy got to watch Jeopardy during this particular study)

Anyway, we're off to Target right now. Have a great weekend people.

True Blood tomorrow WHAT!

Thankful Thursday and my husband's manventure

2010-06-10T15:14:00.000-07:00

I am thankful that my daughter is so darn adorable.

She's mid-"cheese" in this picture.

Troy's out of town until Tuesday. He is on a fishing adventure in Idaho with his best friend. He has been calling it his "mantastic voyage", I have been calling it "Brokeback Mountain 2".

They are so incredibly gay. We were all in the car on the way to the outdoorsy store yesterday for the boys to stock up on some lures or something. Troy was driving, Brian (my husband's boyfriend) was sitting in the passenger seat, and I was in the back with Ave. Ke$ha's "Tik Tok" then comes on the radio and both dudes at the same time quickly reach for the volume to turn it UP. Ugh. Gayness.

I pictured the scenario if I wasn't in the car. I pictured both guys reaching for the volume, then their hands bump together, they look into each other's eyes, and hold hands for the rest of the drive.

Also, when we were at the store, Brian picked up the biggest, most penis-shaped package of salami and asks Troy, "Do we need this?"

To which I responded. "THERE IS NO REASON YOU WOULD EVER NEED THAT. PUT IT DOWN NOW."

Yikes.

Happy Thursday, beautiful people.

Thanks pregnancy hormones!

2010-06-09T13:18:00.000-07:00

The last time I was pregnant, I couldn't WAIT to "show". Couldn't wait to "look pregnant".

Little did I know that "looking pregnant" on my particular body would also include thighs that rubbed together when I walked, bingo arms, hands so swollen my wedding ring came off around month 5, feet so swollen I couldn't wear FLIP FLOPS, and a belly so big I was thisclose to not fitting behind the steering wheel of my gigantic SUV. Strangers started commenting, "you're about to pop!" around month 6, so you can imagine the horror on ~~my husband's~~ bystanders' faces when month 9 rolled (pun intended) around.

With that said, I am keeping my weight gain down (knock on wood), and am still wearing my normal sized jeans, but they are pretty snug. I'm pretty sure while I'm typing this, my eyes are bulging slightly out of my head, but, I'm going to try to hold out on maternity clothes as long as possible, nonetheless.

And, like I have mentioned in other posts, my goal this time is to REALLY try my hardest to enjoy this pregnancy. Like be aware of my attitude and conscious that me acting miserable makes other people miserable which is what makes me feel the most miserable. And especially because I'm pretty sure this will be my last pregnancy, I am striving to be that glowing, healthy, smiling, preggy lady who genuinely makes pregnancy look as beautiful as it really is. I am trying to remind myself that I am a mother and it is my job and my honor to willfully sacrifice my selfish tendencies for the well being of my children. And I probably could have achieved that during my last pregnancy if I wiped the ugly scowl off my face for a second.

Sadly, there is a conniving group of bitches trying their hardest to keep me from achieving my awesome goal. Who would ever do such a thing? My goddamn hormones. They're all unbalanced and angry and determined to make throw me off course. Jerks.

This morning Avery knocked over a $40 candle that I bought at Anthropologie last week. It shattered and fell apart almost as badly as I did. I cried for a solid hour. Like sobbed. Like, fists in the air screaming "Why?!!" followed by fetal position on the couch, talking to myself, while crying like a crazy person. My mom came over who said, "It's just a candle." To which I responded, "NO. It's representative of the one thing I enjoyed buying this month that wasn't diapers or groceries that is now destroyed. My life is over. I've missed my youth." To which my mother responded, "It's actually just a candle." To which I thought, "She's right.", but said outloud, "NO! You don't understand! Waaah waah waah"

I had a similar episode last night, which my poor mother also had to witness. The saddest part? While I was going on and on about god-knows-what nonsense while crying like a baby, my dear darling Avery toddled over to my mother, took a paper towel out of my mom's hand which she had been holding, walked over to me and offered it to me while saying, "oh no, mama.", accompanied with the saddest puppy dog eyes I've ever seen.

So, while my mom, and even while I, recognized the selfish, histrionic, unnecessary drama of my tantrum, but kinda let it go on anyway, my sweet, innocent daughter doesn't know that I am reacting to a perfect storm of a serious hormonal overload, and she just wanted to offer me a tissue because she wanted her mommy to feel better. She was scared and confused. It was awful. I am hoping to come through this period easily and happily and with no ~~additional~~ regrets and no permanent scarring on my sweet angel baby.

As for now I am having distinct good days and bad days. Like super manic ups and depressing sad dark down days. So basically, I'm biploar right now. Thanks pregnancy hormones!

Get it together, woman!!

Let's end with some baby pool olympics, shall we?

Troy likes to throw Avery up in the air as high as possible just to scare me. In the pool, I can watch, over concrete, not so much. Aren't they cute though?

Happy Wednesday people.

fruit snacks, and iPhones, and goose eggs oh my

2010-06-08T11:07:00.000-07:00

"NACK NACK NACK NACK NACK NACK!!"

Over the past few days my 19-month-old has wanted nothing to do with real people food, just fruit snacks ("nack"). And juice ("joo"). As much as I beg her and beg her and BEG her to eat healthy normal foods she just turns up her nose and says, "NO! NACK!"

She used to try everything. Even liked vegetables (that's a lie). And after initial protest on my part, I end up giving in because she has to eat SOMETHING. Every instinct in my body is fighting to make sure she consumes something anything with some sort of nutritional value but I keep losing this battle. Does anyone out there have any advice? Part of me is kinda not worried about it because I ~~hope to god~~ know this is a phase, and I know that my husband and I are such good eaters that she's going to be wolfing down sushi in no time. But GRRRRR in the mean time.

Although I have to say, it is a good excuse to polish off the rest whatever delish kid food Ave didn't eat. It's kinda like the pregnant gods are working in my favor, giving me the opportunity to eat more food without me leaving any evidence behind.

You know what else is working in my favor? New iPhone comes out June 24, and my birthday is June 23. Holler! On the same idea, Apple is the best. I water damaged 2 iPhones in the last 6 months, brought them into Apple, ~~showed a little side boob~~, and they gave me brand new phones without any hassle whatsoever. Unbelievably awesome. The idea of living without my iPhone is almost too much to bear. I was considering offering my first born if they weren't going to work with me, but good for Avery, I didn't have to barter with her life.

On another note, Avery is still the victim of weekly head trauma. I'm surprised she can still see/talk/walk with all blows to the head she's been accumulating. If we ever need to get an x-ray of her head, I could picture the doctor walking in and saying, "You're not going to believe this, but your daughter actually has a bowling ball instead of a skull. See? Look. You can pop out the eyes and nose and voila! You've got finger holes and a perfectly legitimate bowling ball. Have fun, kids."

I tried to take a picture of her newest goose egg (she's collecting them, apparently). The picture isn't that clear, but said bump is kinda in the middle of her head to the left.

No, we are NOT working on ridding Averypants of ~~myfuckinglifesaver~~ her "shasha" (pacifier) yet. I'm not worried about it. My kid won't eat, remember? I got bigger things to worry about.

Happy Tuesday. If you are living in Vegas today, I'm sorry. It's so hot. One of those days where you say to yourself, "What did I do in my life to deserve this?" That hot.

whore of the world

2010-06-04T08:51:00.000-07:00

So relieved to have outed my pregnancy yesterday.

I have to say, I'm really enjoying this second time around much more than the first. Let's list the reasons why.

1. Troy didn't run upstairs and hide under the covers when I told him I was pregnant this time.

2. My father-in-law didn't silently trek to the freezer, take out a gallon of ice cream, and sit in the corner of his house without saying a word for hours when he heard the news the second time. (Can't even describe how scary this was- the man is nearly 7 feet tall and, like, gigantic)

3. Don't have to plan a unbelievably huge wedding, or go to Europe and watch Troy sample the worlds most delicious beers while sitting, scowling at my husband, in my first trimester. (PAINFUL)

4. I know what to expect, which is indescribably amazingly awesomely priceless.

5. I understand that sleeping all day = no exercise = super huge weight gain = husband making tractor back up noises when I walk backwards = unhappiness all around.

6. The words, "I don't think I want to use an epidural" will NEVER leave my mouth.

7. I know not to register for a bottle warmer that can charge in your car (ridiculous).

8. I know to really enjoy these last 6 months of structure and routine before our lives are unrecognizable again.

9. Gained 4 pounds in my first trimester this time, triple double that last time.

10. I know that no matter how hard the newborn phase is, it goes by really quickly, and I need to really revel in every moment. And I know that I will love baby #2 just as much as I love baby #1, because he/she will make my heart melt just like this lil ham

(on the dining room table- don't judge):

And, I cannot believe how fast my body started changing with this lil munchkin. Here's my 11 week bump picture for all (two) who asked yesterday:

Isn't it cute? Disregard my make-up-less concentration face. kthnx.

Ok, enough pregnancy talk.

I went over to my mom's house yesterday because she made lasagna to crash her old lady card club. Here's a preview:

The tea cup and corn nuts and sweet reading glasses on my mom's friend Sally, would suggest a tame game of canasta. However, let's just say name calling with phrases such as, "whore of the world", and "crusty twat" were not in shortage.

I am so glad I got to witness that.

Have a wonderful weekend, whores of the world.

pregnancy round 2

2010-06-03T14:19:00.000-07:00

So.

As promised, I will explain why I have been posting emotional hard-on-myself blog posts lately. Oh, and also I will explain why I haven't been posting as many. And why there are piles of laundry all over my house. And why all I want to do is eat everything within my reach.

Can anyone say morning (noon and night) sickness? Can anyone say first trimester fatigue?

Congratulations, Self, you're pregnant!

Yup, I was waiting to hear the heartbeat to spill the beans (mmm beans), which I did this morning. I am about 11 weeks along with a lil munchkin, we are so terrified excited to expand our little Beer family trio. Might start a family band.

So, as you know, this toddler phase has been demanding, and noticeably more-so because I want to throw up and fall asleep at the same time at any point of the day. It's like in nature when a predator will attack weakened prey because they are easier to take down, that's what I envision Ave and me like right now. She's the predator (clearly) and I am the weakened prey. Shame on me for ever complaining about being tired during my first pregnancy, because when I was tired the first time around, I would simply lie down and sleep all day. Which I totally took for granted. Now, if I want to lie down,

forgettaboutit (<-I'm from New York so I can say that).

By the way, Troy and I are the most fertile people alive... we literally discussed having another baby and at the end of the conversation I was pregnant. Unbelievable. I did surprise him by putting this shirt on Ave when he got home from work though, he was really surprised and excited :

Note: Baby girl nearly polished off that entire tube of Chapstick in my effort to keep her still to take a picture.

Anyway, that's that. Go easy on me, the last few months have been rough! Kudos to you moms who have been pregnant with young children to tend to. It is nearly impossible!

Moms are SERIOUSLY superheroes. Seriously.

PS. Avery is chasing my dog around trying to feed him a flashcard with an apple ("a-poo") on it. Hilarious.

cutting hair and teeth

2010-06-02T16:37:00.000-07:00

Thhhee ttaannttrruummssssssss aarree ggoinng to bbbeee tthhee eenndd ooff meeeeeeeeeeee.

No Wednesday Wish list today. My wish list this week consists of an extra 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep per night, mexican food without calories, and a toddler that likes me.

I literally dragged my 18 month old through a parking lot yesterday kicking and screaming because she wouldn't let me carry her to the car. Kinda looked like this minus the leash with more pavement.

So, because she's been like this everywhere all the time for the last couple weeks, I took her to the doctor again because I was certain they were going to tell me she has arthritis or an ear infection or migraines which would explain away the intense crankiness.

Listen up pediatricians of the world. The next doctor that says, "just teething, bye bye" to me gets a round house kick to the face. No joke. Does my daughter have, like, the most sensitive mouth on the planet? wtf? Why does it seem like other kids just drool a lot, but mine makes a pact with the Devil to be the most evil, mean, defiant human alive whenever she's cutting a tooth? Unbelievable.

I blame my husband. Because... Hmm. Well, it's just his fault, ok?

Anyway, Satan Avery got her first haircut today!

She did SO well. She got 4000 jelly beans shoved in her face, which always works. It looks great, her head has achieved maximum blonde girly curl capacity which I'm hoping will detract from the screaming cry face which has been making a frequent appearance upon her noggin.

Look at her contemplating new tactics on how to push my buttons. Can't you see the wheels turning?! Actually, I think she's just working on a jelly bean, or... is she?

I've been feeling really down lately. It seems every fussy kid I've observed is so easily calmed by his/her mother. Like all other children need is a word or a maternal touch and they are eventually calmed. Avery reacts to me as if I am running towards her with my head spinning around in circles while my entire body is covered in fire ants and razor blades. It really hurts my feelings which makes me think I have no motherly instincts. My mom tells me Avery is "testing her boundaries" or some shit. I don't quite know what that means.

Anyway, stay tuned tomorrow. I got awesomeness for you, I realize I've been absent-minded for a while.

My first bribe

2010-05-28T14:58:00.000-07:00

I successfully (kinda) bribed my daughter for the first time last night. I'm not really into the idea of bribing kids, but I thought I'd try it out.

Tantrum Teething Toddler (T3) wouldn't sit down in the tub for bath time because she was such a JERKKKK defiant handful last night. She just clutched the side of the tub and screamed at me. Here's what went down.

Avery: "UP UP UP UP UP!! MAMA!!!! HOT HOT HOT!!"

(Side Note: The water wasn't really hot, she was being dramatic. Promise.)

Sofia: (lightbulb goes off) "Avery. If you sit down and let me give you bath, I will give you ice cream."

Avery: (stops crying) "ah-pween? num num num good?"

Sofia: "Yes. I will give you ice cream. All you have to do is sit down."

Avery then pauses.

Looks at me and clearly contemplates what her next move is going to be.

Then, she bends her knees and dips her bare tush into the very surface of the bath water and shot straight up again and said,

"AH-PWEEN AH-PWEEN NUM NUM NUM!"

I mean, she DID do what I asked. I guess you have to be very specific with 18 month olds. No one ever tells you these things...

So, needless to say, she got a substandard (<-- theme of the week) bath and a lot of ice cream.

Have a great threeeeeee day weekend!

substandardness and a night off

2010-05-27T08:52:00.000-07:00

First of all.

I just got a comment stating that my blog isn't up to the standard it used to be and this person is concerned that I am going to lose followers. Or something. "Not to be rude".

Hey, lady that doesn't know me, yeah, you know what? There's quite a bit going on my life right now including but not limited to: things I don't want to publicly share, a sick mommy (me), and a sick baby (kinda time consuming). I'm soooo sorry (sarcasm) I haven't been composing the works of literary art that satisfy the level of greatness you expect from my blog.

I mean, your blog is just so beautifully written -- oh wait. You don't have one. Or an e-mail address for me to reply to you, hence the public response.

Oh, and prefacing a statement with "not to be rude" doesn't negate it's rudeness. And pretending to have some sort of deep concern for the number of followers I have doesn't lessen the aforementioned rudeness either.

Now that THAT'S out of the way. grrrrrrrrrrrr

I got an ENTIRE night off yesterday! MUCH needed. I've had a rough couple of weeks.

My hard-working hubba hubba husband took Avery to see Shrek and I went to Cougartown a birthday party my mother-in-law was hosting for her sister-in-law. It's funny, even when I'm without Avery, which is rare, I'll randomly experience pangs of complete panic where I'll subconsciously think, "SHIT! WHERE'S AVERY?! Is she drowning/playing with glass/choking?!" Relaxation is a weird feeling when you have a toddler, like it's so uncommon and foreign it's actually not even relaxing anymore.

Troy has taken Avery out by himself a handful of times. Maybe 4 or 5 times. I have no idea how it went. An 18 month old in a movie theater! Eek! When I got home he acted kinda like he had just witnessed a murder or something equally traumatic. He was in the fetal position in bed when I walked in our room with his back turned to me and barely said a word. I'm thinking maybe he had to change a diaper containing the remnants of Ave's lingering stomach flu. He hasn't changed a "number two" diaper in well over a year, let alone a "number three" diaper.

Anyway, spirits were high when the night started, he sent me a text that read "Daddy time!", followed by this picture:

... to which I responded:

"Mommy time!"

Slurpee + Backstreet Boys+ No sick baby = Hellooooo, Perfection.

And I got to watch the American Idol finale (which.was.amazing) uninterrupted by bath time or bedtime. For the record, I almost lost it when "Pants on the Ground" guy came out. Here's a text between a friend and me during the epic performance. My text is in the green bubbles.

Truth.

Well, my toddler needs tending to because she's sick, so I apologize if this post is substandard.

You can't see my face, but be assured I'm rolling my eyes.

Happy Thursday!

Wednesday Wish List

2010-05-26T08:24:00.000-07:00

This designer was really hard for me.

It made me want to go shopping SO BAD. It also made me want to rob a bank so I could afford these awesome pieces.

Diane von Furstenberg, I love you.

DvF

$595

If I had the uber long legs for this, I'd sell my daughter on the black market to get it. Lucky for Avery, I don't. Kidding. kinda

PS. Hey model, would you mind looking a little happier to be wearing this? And change your shoes. Yuck. Those shoes would look awesome with jeans, however.

2.

DvF

$325

What is with the butterface models, Diane? Anyway, love this with the huge gold bangles she's wearing and peep toe pumps. Such a great summer look! OMGGGG

DvF

$345

I just died and went to credit card debt. DO YOU SEE THOSE SHOES!? droooooooool.

4.

DvF

Cardigan: $425

Dress underneath: $425

So basically, you're talkin $850 for this ridiculously awesome outfit, minus the belt and shoes. Yikes! I just want to look at it. Because that's all I can do. Sadddd.

DvF

$325

Hot. This is so freaking fashionable I can't stand it. WANT.

6.

DvF

SALE! 273.75

Couldn't you just picture me yourself walking down the streets of NYC with this on? Love it with the bold pattern mini dress underneath. So hot. Meow.

Dessert:

Marc Jacobs

$1295

I would sell my soul. for. this. bag.

Ok. That is all. Happy Wednesday.

Mom vs. Robot

2010-05-25T08:44:00.000-07:00

ULTIMATE FRUSTRATION.

Me on the phone with the automated phone robot "lady" at Nevada Power yesterday:

Robot: "Please say your house number."

Me: "One.. Six..."

Avery: "AAAAAAH!!!!!"

Robot: "I'm sorry. I didn't get th--"

Avery: "AAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!"

Robot: "I'm sorr-"

Avery: "AAAAAAH!!!!!"

Robot: "I heard, 'Six 'X'', if this is correct press one"

Me: "NO! !!! I HATE YOU ROBOT!!!! 'X' isn't even a number! Why would I say 'X'?!!!"

Robot: "I heard, 'seven', if this is correct pres--"

Avery: "AAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!"

Me: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!"

Robot: "I'm sorry, I didn't get that."

There is nothing worse than those automated phone systems. Nothing. Wouldn't they assume that most of the people who call in during the day are prrooobbably moms with kids screaming in the background?

I mean, COME ON.

Not even an option to use my keypad?

Give

Break.

PS. My daughter is ridiculously adorable. Even sick with snot slugs creeping out of her nose all day. She just walked up to me and said, "hand?" just because she wanted to hold my hand while I was on the computer. Sure, it's taken me 45 minutes to type this with one hand, but could you pass up cuteness like that? I think not.

PS. Want me to beat you in Words with Friends? My username is 'Sofia Beer'....

Happy Tuesday.........!

Abort o Subs

2010-05-22T17:12:00.000-07:00

Avery and I love sandwiches.

When I was pregnant, the manager of the Port o Subs down the street from me knew my order by heart because I frequented the place so often. Since then, I have lost the 60 45 25 pounds I gained and no joke, the guy absolutely does not recognize me. Not surprised, Costco almost wouldn't sell me beer a few months ago because they didn't believe I was the same person as the 9- month- preggo monster on my identification.

I digress. So, usually Avery is pretty damn a little restless in stores and restaurants, but we power through it and get it done thanks to juice or a pickle or something similar. Yesterday, in our lunch adventure, I happened to be waiting in line behind five 16-year-olds. Slow-speaking, gum-popping, Starbucks slurping, giggling teenagers taking their sweet time while my toddler had a complete starvation-induced melt down.

I promise this conversation really happened. Keep in mind, this is all being discussed while it was their turn to order their sandwiches, completely prolonging my high need to get the hell out of there:

Teenager #1 to Teenage #2: "Do you think Charlie is hot?"

Teenager #2: "Yeah. Super hot. But not, like, dating material."

Teenager #1: (pause) "Oh, because we're dating now!!"

Teenager #1 - #5: While jumping up and down, "Squeeeeeeeeal" "Ohmigod Ohmigod Ohmigod!"

Sandwich maker artist to Teenager #1: "Ummm. Do you want tomatoes? Hello?"

Teenager #2 to Teenager #1: "OHMIGOD, why didn't you tell me?!"

Teenager #1: "I forgot!"

Me: under my breath, "Sure you did."

Teenager #4: "You're going to be the cutest couple in the school!"

Teenager #3: "Totally."

Teenager #5: "Let's go tanning!!"

Avery: (while clutching as many bags of potato chips as she can hold) "CHIP!!! MINE MINE MINE NO NO NO MIIIIINE!!"

Me: "I'm going to kill myself."

So. During this time, Avery had escaped my grasp and climbed on all the tables and chairs and knocked all the displayed potato chips down. I was cursing the sandwich gods, trying to find the quickest way to Abort o Subs but I was friggen starving so I got on my knees, grabbed Avery by the little shoulders, looked in her eyes and scolded her, which made me look like a total asshole because she's only 1 1/2.

What's worse was the idea that a bunch of high school kids thought I was a total moron. I could picture Teenager #1 whispering to Teenager #2, "get it together, lady," which I probably wrongly thought of many overwhelmed moms when I was their age, when I had no responsibilities and no concept of the frustration that comes with things not going my way. Sad. I felt old and lame and I ended up eating too much when I got to my destination. Oh, and to top it off, I shoved a bag of chips in my purse in the heat of the moment. So not only am I a super uncool adult, I am also a thief. Way to go.

Kinda on a similar subject, I love Justin Beiber. Hey. If Ashton and Demi can do it, Beiber's still fair game in my book. He's adorable.

overflowing leggy cuteness

2010-05-21T08:41:00.000-07:00

I'm sad.

I was just looking through little baby pictures of Avery.

I miss her rolls and her toothless slobbery kisses and her sweet baby breath and her tiny clothes. My once super chubby edible darling little bald immobile monkey is now a tall, thin, energetic, fancy little girl with curly blonde hair. Which is great, but it's sad. Because those days are, like, gone... forever.

I looooooooooved little Ave. I loved holding her little fat body and gripping her overflowing leggy cuteness (she had THE FATTEST LEGS- I often imagined CPS showing up to my house and being like, "ma'am, there's no reason why a baby should have legs that fat. Hand her over.") I mean sure, I had an affair with a marshmellow, but I'm pretty sure Avery is Troy's? What do you think?

Gah! I miss that. I feel like, while I totally enjoyed her babiness, that I also missed out on a cuddle here and there worrying about doing everything perfectly. It's like I didn't realize that the 'baby phase' REALLY ended as quickly as it did, even though experienced moms told me a billion times. I will do things differently when the next lil nugget comes around. Which means more toe munching, less worrying about how much baby weight I've lost.

I mean, come on. Ps. Those are my father-in-law's hands, not mine. That would be weird.

I want to squeeeeze it!

Anyway, my goal in my life right now is to really get the most out of each phase of my sweet daughter because it will disappear and then no longer exist quickly.

Like, now, Ave has taken to putting on costume jewelry (ignore the wild hair thanks) and walking around the house like it's normal to wear 75 huge necklaces at once:

And I know someday I'm going to miss that too. Like a lot.

Happy Fridayyyyyyyyyyyy.

Wednesday Wishlist

2010-05-19T15:34:00.000-07:00

I feel like Juicy Couture has a bad reputation. Especially in Vegas.

I mean, sure, it can be flashy, but holy moly there are some cute clothes.

And since I'm on the verge of death, this list is shorter than I'd like, but I am a giving person, so here. Enjoy.

Sooooo here's my Wednesday Wishlist, Juicy edition.

Juicy Couture $228

La la looove the 70s short loose tunic-y thing coming back in style. It is redic.

Want.

Juicy Couture

$248

a;klfh;ahs;lkaj;lsdkja;ksdja;djs mine

Juicy Couture

$198

I know this is like the last one, but I just wanna stress the awesomeness. I mean, imagine this all accessorized up with tons of bangles and one of those retro headbands that lay across the forehead (you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, you do.)

Juicy Couture

$698

Hellooooo overdraft fee. (worth it)

Juicy Couture

$225

I. want. these. so. bad. I. can. taste. it.

Juicy Couture

$42

It's always a good idea to ward off the evil eye... How hot and cool and "in" is this?

PS. I'm sorry for my lazy posts lately. I don't feel good :(

You can feel bad for me, it's okay. I like it. In fact, will you bring me a Diet Coke? Thanks.

lessons from a toddler

2010-05-19T07:31:00.000-07:00

I haven't been feeling so hot this week that's why I've been gone.

Anyway, here are a few things Avery has taught me the last few days.

Lesson #1

"If I can't see you, you can't see me."

Lesson #2

"Contrary to popular belief, I don't want to be in your bed all the time."

Lesson #3

"I have the cutest shoulders in the world."

Lesson #4

"When Mommy doesn't feel good, I can do whatever I want."

Lesson #5

"You don't have to actually get in the pool to get wet."

Lesson #6

"Turtle bands sound much better playing from the top of the stairs."

I hope you can apply these nuggets of wisdom to your own lives.

Happy Wednesday!

You're never going to guess...

2010-05-16T14:46:00.000-07:00

Ok.

So after a lot of thought, I'm just going to give in and tell you all about "it"...

First I'll let you guess what "it" is.

1. "It" has caused me to be super nauseous. Especially in the morning.

2. "It" has made me vomit.

3. "It" has made me unbelievably tired.

4. "It" has made it really challenging to take care of my toddler. I commend you moms who deal with this and take care of your kids, I had no idea how hard "it" is.

5. "It" was unexpected. Neither my husband and I thought this would happen so soon after the last one.

6. "It" made me lose my appetite completely.

Ok... READY??

I got the effing stomach flu!
You guessed it!

You're so smart.

Actually it only lasted 24 hours, and I woke up feeling amazing.com, so all is well.

But I seriously thought I was going to die, I used to secretly like getting sick when I was a kid (you did too, don't lie), it was an awesome excuse to lay around all day and be whiney and be waited on. Seriously sucks when you're a mom. SERIOUSLY.

Anyway have a nice weekend! ;-)

i'm soooo stylish.

2010-05-13T07:53:00.000-07:00

Soooo.

I brought the monster to the doctor on Tuesday because I was convinced she was sick.

I dressed her in the cutest outfit ever, which included a couple patterns that didn't match, but did. Very fashion forward. She looked awesome. I pictured the staff and all the moms welcoming me into the waiting area with a standing ovation complete with happy tears in response to Avery's unbelievably chic outfit.

So, after that didn't happen, I walked back when they called my name, Avery had a tantrum because she remembered that this is the place where she got shots last week, and we finally made it to the room and waited for the doctor.

Doctor comes in. Takes one look at Ave and without hesitation says,

"Isn't it rough when they start dressing themselves?"

I mean, she thought the outfit was so horrible that there's no way the coherent adult could have ever come up with such an atrocity. Wow. To which I responded,

"I know! I can't believe she picked out those leggings with that skirt!" followed by eyes-wide open stare at the floor contemplating escape and switching pediatricians.

To which she responded,

"Anyway, it's just teething. She's not sick. Have a nice day."

To which I responded,

"Yeah, next time I see you I'll dress her myself!"

I'm pretty sure me over-doing it with that remark convinced her that I was the one who dressed her.

Awesome.

By the way, Avery's not even old enough to dress herself. Wtf. Shouldn't doctor-lady know the development of an 18-month old? For example, she wanted to go outside, so she put on her own shoes to speed on the process. This was yesterday:

Note: Shoes on the wrong feet.

Anyway, I'm glad I posted my Wednesday wishlist yesterday and got positive feedback because I was seriously doubting myself...

Happy Birthday to my wonderful perfect Mommy today!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday Wishlist

2010-05-12T08:18:00.000-07:00

I had a lot of fun doing this last week. So I'll do it again.

Makes me feel like I went shopping.

Except instead of feeling depressed because I spent too much money/feel fat, I only feel depressed because I can't have what I want. Which is easier to deal with.

And it doesn't make my husband mad sooooooo.

Urban Outfitters edition

aka Anthropologie's hot little sister. ... And you're in luck boys, she's cheap.

$14

Kinda did this one for my friend Chelsea, she loves little owls.
How cute is this!

$58!

I mean, come on. That's insanely cheap for such a cute dress.

I got one that looks identical at Juicy Couture last year for $175 on sale, like $80.

Pair it with yellow pumps and voila, you're perfect.

$78

Not the really weird onesie, the bag.

Do you have any idea how much shit I could fit in this tote?!

I don't know about you, but this looks like a Marc Jacobs to me.

I actually REALLY want this for my birthday TROYYYY.

$58

Ok. Seriously. If I could design the perfect dress for me, I would draw something extremely similar if not exactly like this.

How hot is this with like 400 gold bangles?!

drroooool.

$68

I am INTENT on bringing back overall shorts this summer. Watch me.

Looks so cute with un-done hair like that, which I happen to be sporting right now. And mostly always.

$14

Yup. Loooove this headband.

Urban online had a TON of incredible accessories.

And her hair is awesome. Oh wait it's exactly like mine.

$38

Ok. Hear me out.

Yes, this is lingerie, and what a effing brilliant idea to make romper nighties.

I have a couple nighties and a really hate sleeping in them because everything is all loosey goosey down there and its not comfortable.

I think this is awesome. And hot.

$28

If I ever took my Tom's off, I would put on a flat like this.

Doubt it would be as comfortable though.

Happy hump day.

*SNORT**

2010-05-11T08:01:00.000-07:00

Every experienced mom has advised me to "enjoy your babies because they grow up SO fast."

With each day, I watch my once immobile chubby monkey inch closer and closer to a becoming little independent kid. With it, I experience a combination of pride, joy, adoration, love, but sadness too. A baby only has her first steps and first words once, then it's over. It makes me want to stop time and clutch my little toddler so she can't grow anymore, and then she craps her diaper and I can't wait until she's potty trained...

So, I can't believe how freaking fast my daughter is growing up. I spied on her as she played with her little cow and pig yesterday morning in our bathroom. For the first time I saw her REALLY get these lil guys to interact with each other, picking them up and making them kiss each other... "MUAH moo-moo! MUAH (insert *snort* sound here, that's what she calls pigs)!" among other things.

Here's the sequence of what happened:

1. (LISTTTTTTT!)

She just finished tickling ("ticki-ticki-ticki-ticki") Moo-Moo, and now she is preparing to put them to bed.

"ni-nigh moo-moo" "ni-nigh *SNORT*"

Snort goes for a swim.

(I love how you can see both sets of our feet just standing over the piggie staring at him and he drowns in toilet water)

Tantrum when I take piggie out of his pool.

Yesterday was rough.

Avery had tantrum after tantrum after tantrum because she's sick. I couldn't leave the house all day, and finally I decided I needed to go to the store. Once I wrestled her into her car seat, she had the biggest most ridiculous tantrum, which left me at the steering wheel in our garage bawling while she screamed bloody murder and our neighbors reached for their phones to call the authorities.

So, I forced placed Avery in her stroller and exploded inside real quick to slam my purse down and yelled something up to Troy (who was working) along the lines of, "I'm going to fucking kill myself," and set out to circle the neighborhood while Avery sweetly said "hi" to all the bugs and flowers and I called my mom crying telling her what a horrible mother I am.

THEN.

Troy

called

and

said,

"Why don't you come home and go get a manicure and pedicure, I'll watch Avery."

WHAT?! SERIOUSLY? Is it my birthday? I mean sure, it was my Mothers Day gift, but his timing was impeccable.

I skipped home and hugged Troy and off I went.

Please a) notice the pretty ring, b) ignore the crooked pinky

Then, I returned home to a childless husband. His mom had come and picked up Avery while I was gone and we went to go to dinner and see Iron Man II. Dinner was lovely, movie was painful. I get super irritated with 99% of blockbusters like that. I love my mother-in-law, however.

Anyway, have a lovely Tuesday.

iPhone Friday

2010-05-07T07:58:00.000-07:00

Might make this a Friday ritual.

Probably won't because I don't do the same thing the same way twice. Like ever.

Here are some photos I snapped on my soul mate iPhone this week.

Enjoy

Hell, let's make a list out of it!

One.

The 18 month check-up.

My little giant (true to her paternal side) is still in the 99th percentile for height.

I'm so jealousssssssssss

Two.

At the park across the street from our house (lucky, I know)...

That's Handsome Strong Buff Husband Man up top there with Avery (can't see her) crawling around up there teetering on abruptly ending edges while dad "watches" her.

I didn't even have my eyes open when I snapped this picture.

Three.

The sweater.

Please disregard the mom-wont-let-me-dump-my-juice-out-on-the-carpet induced tantrum.

Dude. My mom made that sweater. This is one of a bajillion beautiful sweaters and hats and booties she has labored over for her only grandchild. Mind you, she made a solid percent of my twin sister's and my clothes (that were gorgeous) when we were little. And she's perfect in temperament to boot. Oh, and every single person who has ever met her is obsessed with her. Because she's an angel with never ending patience and grace and loveliness.

How the fuck am I supposed to compete with that.

Four.

The Cinco de Mayo "party".

This is me watching Troy watch his fiesta-in-blender spin around. Just Ave, him, and I. I picture him thinking, "How did I get here?" as he envisions his friends doing shots of tequila of some hot chick's boobs at an ginormous party while shouting, "I LOVE MY LIFE!!" to each other over loud awesome music while hundred dollar bills fall from the sky.

Actually he's really not a partier like at all. Side note: Doesn't he look like a nerdless version of Clark Kent? Sexxxy.

Five.

The "fat" jeans.

This is what happens when you pay your hair stylist in chicken wings.

One of my BFFs, Jackie, is my hair stylist and I thought, instead of paying her in cash when she next cuts my hair, it would be much wiser to trade her services with like 450 chicken wings, and I'll eat them too, followed by a bucket-full of frozen yogurt. On the drive home, I had to actually completely unbutton my jeans to breathe. Notice the creases due to excessive pressure digging into my gut. Gross.

Six.

The halved nap.

Ok, obviously NOT a flattering picture, but I needed to get her half asleep on this one.

I'm cutting her nap in half in an effort to get her to sleep better at night.

When I went in to wake her up:

Me: (softly) "Sweetie, you need to wake up."

Avery: (eyes closed) "no, no." (in whisper, eyes still closed) "nigh-night"

She told ME! I laughed so hard I almost fell over. She's so funny!

Seven.

The shoes.

Just another adorable example of Avery wearing Daddy's shoes and thinking its hilarious.

She's dancing.

PS. Notice the striking resemblance to the Anthro skirt on my Wednesday Wishlist. Big differences include, I bought this one for $2.50 on clearance at Target and this one is a size 3T. The only time I ever fit in a 3T was when I was 3 and when I was 21 for a short amount of time.

Have a beautiful weekend. I will be at the beach!

Holler!!

Wednesday Wishlist

2010-05-05T15:31:00.000-07:00

Uggghhh.

I'm giving in to the blog universe by posting this... next think you know I'll be doing a give-a-way and naming my new blog, "the rantings, ravings, and ramblings of a disgruntled mom" or something to that effect. If I start scrapbooking, someone help.

Seriously though, I want these things.

Anthropologie edition.

Anthropologie $288. I love you.

I'd love some brown woven gladiator sandles on my feet with this lil gem.

Anthropologie $58.

Pair it with a solid v-neck thin tee shirt and skinny jeans? Get out.

Anthro $68.

Skirt? Jeans? Shorts? Yup, fantastic.

Anthrizzle $198

Hi. I know you would love a sweet little peach cardigan to go over you, lovely summer dress, and I don't blame you.

Anth $158

Dark wash tight jeans with a burnt orange blouse? I know... I know.

Anthropologieeeee $288

I have the perfect peach tank top I would pair with you, sweetest skirt. Of course I would tuck it in. Duh.

TTROOOYYYYYYY!!!!! Just so you know, Mother's Day, our anniversary, and my birthday are all within 6 weeks.

....Oh, and Im going to throw in these Louboutins for good measure. Troy. Pay attention!

They're only like a bajillion dollars.

misconceptions 'r' us

2010-05-05T09:09:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I have got some really interesting feedback from this blog post, people feeling bad for me, or thinking I need their help because I am clearly drowning in a sea of horrible-lifeness. I just want to start by saying I have a wonderful happy marriage, and am very happy, thankful person. I know I am unimaginably lucky in my circumstances. That said, we all have days where our self-consciousness wears on us and all I really wanted to accomplish with this post was highlighting the misconception that being a stay at home mom is always easy and fun. If every day is easy and fun and without poop or tantrums for you, please send me a sample of what you're smoking.

I am a young mom.

Not quite 25 yet. My husband is just 25. Before my current profession, I used to work as a uber-fancy cocktail waitress in Las Vegas at a swanky restaurant in the Palms. I got to wear corsets and other cleavage-enhancing slutty fun outfits and waited on sexy celebrities and felt hot all the time and worked with my friends. Oh, and I made a TON of money. Literally would shake the hundred dollar bills out of my bra clothes at the end of the night. You may think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not.

Anyway, now that I am a stay-at-home mom, I am seriously deprived of friends who can relate to my situation. When I do see my old work/party friends, or even just childless friends, they say to me that I am so lucky to be a stay at home mom and that it must be so easy and relaxing and lovely and perfect.

And I do love it. Seriously wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, but it is DEFINITELY the hardest, most thankless job I have ever had. I feel like I am writing this as a warning to all those young people who want to be mothers as a plea to take advantage of their freedom, because while they will love motherhood, there are a lot of things that you won't be able to do for a long time (if ever).

Yes, being a mother is the most awesome thing EVER. It will make your heart swell with a joy that you didn't know was possible. But it is hard, tiring, and monotonous. Not every day is filled with first steps and first words and cuteness. There are is a lot of drool, a lot of insecurity, and a LOT of poop.

Let's make a list of common misconceptions of my life, shall we?

(I love lists)

1. Misconception: "You must have a lot of time to yourself. Do you just work out and go shopping all day?"

Reality: I don't get a break. Ever. Avery gets up for the day at 5:30, every day, yes, even on weekends. And she hasn't slept through the night yet, and even if she sleeps with us, she wakes up every couple hours (every half hour or so if she's teething) and screams which startles me awake. (Try to imagine what a year and a half of no sleep feels like. Just try.) When we are "up" for the day, I have to watch Avery like a hawk or else she will break things or kill herself. Literally can't take my eyes off her for more than a minute. She takes a *SHORT* nap which is when I fold laundry and clean. When Troy gets home, he's too tired (because he doesn't sleep either) to watch Avery as closely as she needs to be watched (refer to the story about when Avery drank a bottle of ibuprofen under hubby's watch) so while I'm making dinner, I'm constantly on her too. Then I do dishes, clean the kitchen, finish laundry, iron, give Avery a bath, then go to bed and not sleep. Then start over.

2. Misconception: "You must have a lot of play dates, how fun!"

Reality: I'm young. I have two friends with kids. Two. Needless to say, we spend a lot of time at home, and at the end of the day I am so deprived of adult conversation that when Troy gets home I jump on him and intently ask him what he had for lunch and his answer is way more interesting to me than it should be. Unfortunately, Troy is on social overload, so he is turned off by the attack.

I feel lonely a lot.

3. "You must have so much fun playing with your adorable toddler all day."

Reality: Sure, we have fun together. But, more often than not, we are frustrated with each other. When she and I are home alone, she likes to exercise her newly found individuality by being defiant and whiney. She hasn't responded to "no" in a long time, and doesn't understand that I am trying to protect her when I stop her from trying to spray Pledge in her eyes, so she thinks I'm a big party pooper all the time.

Which makes me feel like shit.

4. Misconception: "Avery has SO many toys. That must buy you a lot of time to get things done. Does she just play all day?"

Reality: She gets bored with her toys in record time. And, unfortunately, I don't have the conscience to sit her in front of the TV for long periods of time so I can take a break. I am constantly in turmoil about whether or not I am ruining her, so I read to her a lot and color with her and take her outside regardless of how exhausted I am. Oh, and no one thanks me for this, it is something I have to force myself to do because I feel it is important even though every instinct in my tired un-showered, un-pedicured self is telling me to sit down and rest.

5. Misconception: "It must be so neat to be able to raise Avery however you want."

Reality: My insecurities as a parent are crippling. I am constantly comparing myself to my mother-in-law's impeccable house keeping skills and my own mother's inhuman patience and fall short every time. I always feel like my meals aren't healthy enough, my laundry isn't done quickly enough, my husband isn't happy enough. I beat myself up for Avery sleeping with us and for her still being addicted to her pacifier. I hope with age these insecurities subside.

6. Misconception: "Your immense, indescribable love for your daughter must make all the hard work and the incredible effort to keep everyone happy worth it"

Reality: This one is true.

Have a good day, readers.

18 things you love

2010-05-04T07:31:00.000-07:00

Hi, I know I haven't been posting as many blogs but there is good reason. There is something hugely enormous going on in my life right now that I can't talk about. Sooo. Bare with me!

Happy 18 month birthday, little one!

First, let me start by saying that I hated, when I was pregnant, when people would refer to their kids' ages in terms of months because it made me feel really dumb when I had to try to figure out exactly how old "20 months" or "16 months" was. So, let me rephrase.

Happy first and a half birthday, little one!

(seriously took too long to change the color of every word.)

Here is a list of 18 things you love. (I LOVE LIISSTSSS)

1. You love to pick up dog food and shove it in the dogs' faces and say "EAT!"

2. You love to call Dad, "Mama" and Mama, "Dada" when you're feeling really silly.

3. You think Dora is part of your nuclear family.

4. You loooove putting on adult shoes. Especially Dad's.

5. You love going through the dog door when you're cranky.

6. You LOOOVE your grandparents. You call your mom, your grandma, and your grammy all "mama", and your real mama doesn't quite know how to feel about this.

7. You love your pacifier and call it a "shasha". Your mom expects you will be sucking on one in your senior prom pictures.

8. You are the sweetest most affectionate little girl, and you give EVERYONE hugs and kisses, especially other kids your age.

9. You love sharing (unless you're tired)

10. You love to put ANYTHING 'ni-night', complete with goodnight kisses and lots of "shhh"ing.

11. You love dancing with your eyes closed in restaurants when we're not paying attention to you.

12. You friggen LOVE your dad.

13. You love sleeping with Mom and Dad, and if, by chance, you sleep for longer than 4 hours in your crib, Mommy and Daddy have to go check on you to see if you're alive.

14. You love hiding.

15. You love to put mom's skirts on around your neck and then stand in the mirror and say "cuuuuute." You also like putting on her bracelets and necklaces. You're fancy.

16. You love your Uncle Trevor more than just about anyone and call him "Chaaaaaa". One time in a Chinese restaurant, your mom asked you if you wanted to use "chopsticks" and you screamed "Chaaaa!!!" and searched the restaurant for him. (Get it? "chaaa-psticks"?)

17. You love the park and call it a "weeee!"

18. You love to shove your pointy little fingers in mom and/or dad's eye and say "eeeeyyyeee".

So, in conclusion, you're precious and we love you. I am NOT looking forward to watching a grumpy, sadistic nurse shove needles into your legs for your shots today!!!!

List about Lists

2010-04-30T17:28:00.000-07:00

Today.

1. My almost-18 month old can say 100 words. At least that's all I can think of right now. I made a list because all moms are excellent list-makers. Its true. I included the word "duckdoo" on aforementioned list because she says it all the time even though we have absolutely no idea what it means.

2. My husband called me twice today while working (rare). First (1.), to let me know he ate two hot dogs in about two bites, give or take, followed by comparison of himself to Homer Simpson, then followed by lots and lots of chomping sounds. Secondly (2.), to let me know he was going to a movie with his brother. (*Note the list within a list)

...Made me think that I would have to ask Troy permission to do such a fun and independent activity, but DaddyTroyBoyMuscleMan gets to just let me know what he's doing and when he's doing it. I mean, I really don't mind, but it makes me feel like a high schooler asking the 'rents for permish to do shiz all the time. I also thought that if I were to call TroyStrongestGuy to tell him the same hot dog story, not only would he be irritated that I was bothering him at work, but he would also be disgusted by the visual of my face atop Homer's yellow fatness. But I really like it when he calls me while working, regardless.

3. I'm losing my mind. I couldn't remember my address today while on the phone with Dyson to get a vacuum part replaced. I had to go outside and look at the number that was posted on the house I've lived in for 2 1/2 years. Yes, I'm a stay at home mom and, yes, all my interactions with the outside world have to do with vacuums, diapers, and spatulas. And there is almost always a list involved. Truth.

4. I ate 2 paninis. One for breakfast, one for lunch. Dinner time hasn't come around yet. Commence said Homer Simpson/Sofia visual.

5. I beat mom in Scrabble but what else is new. She thanked me for only beating her by 60 points.

Have a great weekend!

Dear Yo Gabba Gabba

2010-04-27T09:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Yo Gabba Gabba,

You used to so effectively transform my daughter into a little baby statue. Your flashing lights and questionably appropriate techno music used to hypnotize Avery for just long enough for me to get some laundry or dishes done. But now, I am concerned that you are sending her subliminal messages to destroy everything within her reach instead of teaching her to enjoy the 'party in her tummy (so yummy so yummy)' while standing completely still. What's the deal? How do I get you to 'work' again?

Sincerely,

Let Down in Las Vegas

Seriously, what the hell.

Averypants is starting to understand that her on-call babysitter Nick Jr. is an excuse for me to get things done during the day, and she's not cool with it. As you know on Sunday, she pooped on the floor when I wasn't looking, and today, she did this:

That's juice. On the couch. I don't even kinda know how to get this out.

(PS. Because I know some moms love to be judgmental, I feel like I need to explain that she DOES NOT watch TV all day, just occasionally. We go to the park constantly, we visit friends and family daily ... etc etc)

Oh and our quest for a truckload of new toys yesterday turned into ONE new toy, but that's what happens when you go shopping with your husband.

Anyway, we got one of those sit n spin deals, supposed to look like this when used properly:

But, Avery has other uses for it:

1. Elevated seat

2. Table

She's so clever.

Have a good day. Avery is moving the dog kibble from one side of the room to another, one by one. And yes, Yo Gabba Gabba is on. Disappointed.

Monday Pun-day

2010-04-26T15:23:00.000-07:00

So, it's no secret that I am more word savvy than my husband, and it still really bothers him that I am very often more clever in terms of puns and all around hilarity in general.

And just so you know, 9 times out of 10, if we are in a social situation, and he blurts out something hilarious, it's because I whispered it to him first and he repeated what I said. He does this all. the. time. He has no shame.

Anyway this little dialogue made me laugh yesterday.

Setting: Troy and Sofia are driving home from dinner Troy's parents' house. Troy is feeling extra witty on the drive home.

Troy: "I'm going to open up a liquor store and call it 'Alco-mall'".

Sofia: "Alco-mall?"

Troy: "Yeah, like 'alcohol' and 'mall' put together."

Sofia: "Why wouldn't you just call it Alco-hall?"

(silence)

(....more silence)

Sofia: "Are you made because I'm funnier th--"

Troy: "Yup."

Love him.

Anyway, we are going to go buy Avery a whole bunch of new toys after Troy gets home from working on his marriage-ruiner car. Can't wait!

Any suggestions on good toys for an 18-month old?

Sunday Not-so-funday

2010-04-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

As much as I've tried to convince myself otherwise, Avery is ready to commence potty training.

She has learned how to take her clothes and diaper off, and would MUCH rather be naked then clothed (who wouldn't?!).

Here is a picture of her a few weeks ago after freeing her little tush from her diaper chains and trying to escape from her evil mom-warden who is always intent on imprisoning her in her restrictive potty clothes. She's making a break for the stairs in this scenario (this happens often):

This was one of the early clues for me. Today, the big clue came, and I took pictures, but I'll spare you the horror.

Not only did my little angel take off her pajamas and diaper when I was on facebook doing dishes, but she

POOPED

THE

CARPET.

Yup. Just like an untrained animal. I walked into the living room after I saw a flash of her bare bottom, and smiled adoringly at her sweet nakedness and then I got a whiff of it.

I looked at the dogs, who looked at me understandingly, as if to say "wasn't me...", and that's when I saw it. Glistening little pooplets right on the carpet right next to Avery, who upon a closer look, was COVERED in crapola. I panicked, then picked her up, gagging all the way to her changing table, where I noticed the poop between her toes and fingers. I've cleaned up the mess with every cleaning product I own and now we are both headed for a serious shower.

Happy Sunday!

GO YANKEES!!!!

2010-04-24T08:55:00.000-07:00

Soooooooooooooooooooooo, I'm 90% sure I have strep throat, and I feel like every time I swallow, I am trying to swallow nails and glass and needles and broken plates. So, when these symptoms started yesterday, I was really glad it was Friday because I knew that Troy would be around today to help me with Avery. Because I am beat.

This morning's dialogue:

Sofia: (After waking up at 3 am and playing iScrabble until 6 am because she couldn't sleep due to the life-threatening illness that has overcome her) "Troy, I really think I have strep throat. I think I might be dying."

Troy: (hangs up his phone and says) "I'm going to drive to Anaheim to go to an Angels game with Brian" (his BFF/boyfriend). "Are you going to be mad?"

Sofia: "Yes."

Troy: "I mean, you COULD come and bring Avery but are you sure you can really watch her in a stadium?"

(...this REALLY means, 'if you come, I am not helping you with Avery because you're ruining my gay day and you shall suffer')

Sofia: (under her breath, but not really) "I hate you so much."

Troy: "But I NEEEVVEEERR get to do anything!"

Sofia: "You work on your Scout (side note: this is car he works on all the time to get out of the house, I've written about it before...) every weekend to relax, and I just really need your help today!"

This is when a visible light bulb goes off in Troy's head and his eyebrows raise and this is the moment when Sofia thinks "he gets it, thank god, he's going to stay home!"

Troy: (as he's walking out the door) "Think of it this way! I can pick up the door to my Scout in California I ordered!"

Sofia: (in the most sarcastic tone you could ever imagine) "GREAT!!!!!!"

Awesome. I'm going to go curl up in the fetal position and cry right now. Have a good day. I hope the Yankees slaughterrrrrrrrrrr the Angels today (I always hope for that anyway).

GO YANKEES!

Hate myself.

2010-04-21T07:28:00.000-07:00

Every time I walk past Avery I eat one of her Cheetos.

Hate myself.

In other news, I seem to convince myself every month that I am pregnant and therefore experience every god awful first trimester side effect for an entire month. Which is ruining my life. I'm dead tired, nauseous all day, and just feeling blaaahhhh. My mind is so powerful, I should be training to be a mind reader or something cooler than the person-who-just-gained- five three-pounds-for-no-reason-other-than-she-only-went-to-the-gym one -two-days-last-week-and-ate-like-a-person-pretending-to-be-pregnant.

But I'll tell you one thing. I will do things a LOT differently next time around. Here's a list. Everyone loves lists.

1. Not as much No complaining.

I literally announced every ache, every pain, every uncomfortable move, thought, or idea to the world. And I really regretted it. And it was surely annoying. And my husband was suicidal in response to the incessant whining.

2. GO TO THE GYM!

I truly worked out never times when I got knocked up. I was working with a personal trainer for a few months up until I found out I was PG and I was friggen toned and looking like an ILF (that's a MILF without the 'M') and then I just decided I'd sit around and try to my hardest to make myself turn into a LoveSac, which is exactly how I looked before I gave birth.

3. Look at the scale.

I never once looked at my weight throughout my whole pregnancy (because I was terrified) and then the day before I went into labor, I was at the doctor's office, and the nurse left my chart on the table. bitch. I saw my weight, and convinced myself it was my blood pressure (and I was going to die) until I allowed myself to accept that I had gained as much as I did. I feel like if I knew the whole time I could have avoided the farm animal transformation. And it took a solid ten nine months to lose all of it.

4. Don't be so goddamn sensitive, woman!

So, my husband thinks it's funny when he makes fun of me, and he thinks I think its funny too. Towards the end of my pregnancy, when I walked by him he would say "chirp chirp chirp" in reference to crickets because they rub their legs together to make noise and I rubbed my legs together when I walked. I would get offended and cry... actually, wait, yup, that is really fucked up and I'm still mad about it.

5. ENJOOOYYY IT.

There are a lot of women who would give anything to get pregnant but are unable to. It's pretty immature to not be completely amazed by every moment, every kick, every jab to the bladder. It really is amazing. It's unbelievable that a bunch of cells turns into a sweet screaming cooing darling baby right inside my body. Makes me mad how nightmarish I was when I was preg.

Hate myself.

A picture of Avery, you say? Yeah, I got one.

This is our progress in potty training... she likes to sit on her Dora toiled seat, say "DORA!!!" and "HII!" over and over and shove toilet paper between her legs.

She's cute. Oh..., and don't hold it against me if I don't abide by my new pregnancy rules next time around. Kthnx

Any pregnancy regrets for you guys girls?

buncha cake eaters.

2010-04-19T07:53:00.000-07:00

Lotsa fun stuff happened this weekend. Let's recap.

1. Took Avery to get her own ice cream cone. This ended up completely covering Troy's whole entire body and our car. From there we went to visit the in-laws and their friend's at Kennedy's where we got harassed (as per usual) about making another baby (which is always uncomfortable because no one wants to talk to their parents and other old people their friends about things that involve us having sex).

2. Avery slept in until 7:00. Three years ago I would never have pictured myself putting the words "slept in" and "7:00" in the same sentence, but regardless, it was nice and she slept on my face. Don't hate, we're too tired to keep trying to get her to sleep in her crib all night, but she's still waking up at 2 or 3... And no, I'm not letting her cry herself to sleep so back off. It was so sweet because I heard Troy making breakfast for us downstairs while we were cuddling upstairs. When we got downstairs:

Sofia: Thank you for making breakfast!

Troy: Yeah, I did make you breakfast, but you took too long so I ate it. But I left some eggs for Avery in the pan. Sorry

Avery: Dora?

AND he left the dirty dishes for me to clean! So sweet.

3. Avery perfected her Yo Gabba Gabba "funny face". Adorable. She has not, however, perfected the art of how to sweep the hair out of her eyes yet.

4. Went to the park for too long and Avery lost her mind because no one should experience 100 degree weather in April and she knew it. Wish I knew why Troy was making that face. And why he was wearing an Angels hat. Barf.

5. Troy started his roller hockey men's league. Troy is very handsome athletic, but hasn't played hockey in a decade. He got a black eye practicing before the game, and their team lost so badly when they did play that the score keeper stopped keeping score on the opposing team. Sad. I remember looking up at Troy at one point in the game when he had possession of the puck, and he was trying to keep balance on his skates so desperately that every single one of his super-long limbs were flailing at the same time and it was absolutely one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. His stick was swinging back and forth and up and down and the opposing team didn't even go after him because they all stopped and stared and tried to figure out how this giant was still upright after all of the commotion. His mom made a comment that he looked like a figure skater which was awesome. He actually did really well though all things considered. He scored twice! The other team was rude and were a buncha cake eaters anyway.

Didn't get a picture of him in his gear (he looked SO CUTE) but here is first battle wound of the season:

Poor baby. He's so cute. Happy Monday :)

Sofia Panini

2010-04-16T17:04:00.000-07:00

Did you just touch my paninis?

Get your hands off my paninis.

Get your mind out of the gutter! I'm talking about the most delicious sandwich ever created that was gifted to Earth by the hands of God. And thanks to Grandma, we have been blessed with a panini maker for Christmas this year. And. I. Am. Addicted.

I have literally eaten maybe at least 15 8 paninis this week. Being the cheese advocate that I am doesn't help the situation either. It's like putting women who are addicted to sex in a house with Dr. Drew. It's just cruel. I mean, these things are dripping with melty salty cheese on crispy sourdough whole wheat bread, smothered with mayo mustard, tomatoes, roast beef, bacon all over the place lots of lettuce. I dream about them when I go to sleep, I think about the next panini I'm going to make while I'm eating one.

I actually had a religious experience with one on Tuesday, so what I'm trying to say is I've started a religion, it's called Paninism, we will be worshipping Cheesus Christ and I will be hosting daily worship sessions at my house like everyday. Everyone is welcome.

Anyway, Chelsea has been my main disciple right now, here is a picture of her caught in the act (BUSTED!) :

You might be saying to yourself, "Really Chels? Capers? I'm torn on that decision," because that's what I said to myself until I saw this about 6 minutes later...

faoihfo;iah;sfija;ishf;sklhdf;klajs;lkfjh;akjfh;dkjfo;qksflakhf;dhf;skldjf;alkhs'fjoeijc;sdlfkjs'ldkjflkjsdflkj!!!

I have to say, Avery isn't as thrilled. I feel bad, but she's real tired of the whole panini for breakfast, lunch, and dinner lunch everyday. Literally. Tired.

Yup, she's asleep.

Jesus, I mean, Cheesus, they're amazing though. If I was in high school and I had a notebook, I would scribble "I love paninis" and "Sofia Panini" all over it.

Thinkin about changing Avery's middle name... just a thought. Too much?

I want a maternity test.

2010-04-14T08:43:00.000-07:00

So, Avery is my daughter. I remember being pregnant with her. I remember giving birth to her.

However, as much as I try to convince myself otherwise, she really doesn't look anything like me, and she certainly doesn't act like me. She's always on the go go go go (I used to sit in one place and stare at a blade of grass for hours as a child... seriously), she's super defiant and doesn't listen (I am extremely passive-agressive), she talks a LOT (talking too much makes me uncomfortable, I'm pretty introverted unless I'm drunk), she's blonde (Im half Greek). These are all Troy characteristics.

The only thing really I'll take credit for is her whining (I am a professional complainer) and her histrionic tendencies. Characteristics of which I am not the most proud. It's like Troy is so dominant that his genes punched all my cool genes in the face and they just backed off.

My husband is 6'4". Not to mention he's shorter than his two younger brothers and Dad. And Avery's TALL. 100th percentile friggen long limbs and thin tall. Like supermodel status. I think I'm jealous of my one and a half year old. Actually I know I am. And it's like she rubs it in my face, too. I'll offer her pasta and bread and cheese and all sorts of foods that have tormented me my whole life and she's just shakes her head and says, "ice, pweese". Classic skinny girl move. I truly feel like if I could eat ice instead of food, all my problems would be solved. Anyway, look how tall she is! (with her cell phone, of course.)

But I am honestly so thrilled she will never have to deal with weight issues. Or end up like this kid (he breaks it down at the end... pretty awesome):

CARt

2010-04-12T13:48:00.000-07:00

I decided to make a roast today because it's one of those thunderstormy stay-inside kinda days, so I went to the store early. Thanks to a sick child, I didn't sleep at all last night, and have no energy today.

When it was time to be store-bound, my hair was still wet from my shower and I had no make up on, so I did what I usually do when I look like crap, I unbuttoned the top few buttons of my shirt until enough cleavage was showing to make up for the wreck that was my head.

As I walked in to grab a cart, Avery climbed into one of those ridiculous shopping carts with a big, dumb, bacteria ridden car on it. I really wanted to avoid the impending tantrum that would ensue if I transferred her to a regular cart She was so excited I couldn't bear to yank her out of the disgusting CARt and plop her into an even more disgusting regular cart, so she stayed.

I'm pretty sure I looked like an idiot pushing that dumb thing around, but at that point I'm also pretty sure my cleavage was still working to my advantage, distracting on-lookers from noticing that I had a child, let alone a child in a lice-infested germ-mobile.

And not only did the CARt sound like its wheels had been swapped out for 4 dying cats, but that thing is effing hard to maneuver. I turned the corner after getting the produce I needed, and very ungracefully slammed into the displayed wine, which mercilessly rattled and clanked and instantly transformed me from lady with the big tits to the hot mess with a baby in a filthy CARt.

It was at that moment when I looked up and made split-second eye contact with a guy, about my age, looking at condoms. I'm pretty sure the incident solidified his purchase, and we both knew it did. If he had any apprehension about purchasing birth control before, he certainly didn't now.

And I totally don't blame him.

Advice?

2010-04-12T08:21:00.000-07:00

Potty training has always been pretty terrifying for me. I haven't started yet, but my husband is making me do it I think I should start at 18 months. Avery is 17 months old now. I've kinda been trying not to think about it, but the diaper I changed yesterday changed my life. For the worse.

The amount of straight up man shit poo-poo that was in this thing was unbelievable. Literally every corner of the diaper was soaked in chunky, sour-smelling, rotten tar and I was looking into Avery's big blue eyes saying "why?" and "what have I done in my life to deserve this?". Her pants were ruined, and the whole house smelled like a subway. I used hundreds of thousands of wipies and when I closed the diaper genie to dispose of the evil package, the battery light turned off.

That's right, my diaper genie committed suicide right in front of my eyes. Poor lil guy couldn't take it anymore.

So, yeah, I'm over it. I'll keep you all posted on the potty training. Any tips on training an 18 month old?